Blessings by the Googol

broken cisterns or living waters...

2011-08-02T15:55:00.002-04:00

Jeremiah 2:13--For my people have committed two evils; they have forsaken me the fountain of living waters, and hewed them out cisterns, broken cisterns, that can hold no water.

An old Irish hymn says what I'm thinking today. Teenage girl sang and played this one recently (after a few nudges in the rib cage by me, a little parental coercion). Priceless words, reminding to keep Him as the ever constant thought throughout my days. It reminds me of why His words need to "be as frontlets between thine eyes"...so nothing else takes His place and becomes what I actually worship.

Be Thou my vision, O LORD of my heart
Be all else but nought to me save that Thou art
Be Thou my best thought in the day and the night
Both waking and sleeping, Thy presence my light

Be Thou my wisdom, be Thou my true word
Be Thou ever with me and I with Thee LORD
Be Thou my great Father and I Thy true son
Be Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one

Be Thou my breastplate, my sword for the fight
Be Thou my whole armor, be Thou my true might
Be Thou my soul's shelter, be Thou my strong tower
O raise Thou me heav'nward, great power of my power

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise
Be Thou mine inheritance, now and always
Be Thou and Thou only the first in my heart
O Sov'reign of heaven, my Treasure Thou art

High King of heaven, Thou heaven's bright sun
O grant me its joys after victory is won
Great Heart of my own heart, whatever befalls
Still be Thou my vision, O Ruler of all.

the kaleidoscope

2011-03-02T11:48:00.003-05:00

As a raggedy ann-type little girl, I had a kaleidoscope. I can't figure out why, but it was my favorite toy. We didn't have much so maybe that little thing is all it took to amuse me. The colors combined to give me something different to look at each time I picked it up.

People are kind of like that to me, especially lately. I've been thrown (or maybe I jumped) into the company of such a variety as I'm not used to recently with my involvement in some community events. Mind you, I realize everyone else is constantly around a variety of people, but I'm not. I've spent the last nineteen years in a very small world of raising little people to be big people that will be lights for Him in the world. So my recent interaction with the variety has been new to me.

I've seen the hasty judgemental side of me come to life and been quite ashamed of it. I've seen me quick to defend myself and feel overrun when not given the chance to explain myself and later realized I should just allow time to prove my character to others instead of trying to prove it with words. I've had my heart touched by the acceptance of some who I would not have befriended weeks ago because our social circles usually don't intersect.

He has amazed me with His variety lately. He designs the personalities just like He designed the fingerprints.

spontaneous smiles

2011-01-12T08:05:00.005-05:00

Sometimes they just happen, these smiles prompted by His blessings all around me.

Sitting in church, I see oldest daughter ahead of me and remember the night before staying up late, listening to her thoughts pouring from her, thoughts that are pleasing to Him and me.

Sometimes I must appear odd when a smile just breaks out on my face for apparently no reason. But there is always a reason. He gives me plenty.

Last weekend, Sweetman and I went on a brief exploration of historical St. Marys, GA. We were fortunate to find a sweet January deal on a Bed and Breakfast, two nights for one (Emma's Bed and Breakfast--recommend it to anyone!). Had some spontaneous smiles there too. We decided to hike Cumberland Island while the temps were in the forties! So covered in our layers we set off on the ferry, then stepped onto the island and explored the old Dungeness ruins, all the while surrounded by wild horses. Lots of smiles on this trip.

Smiles continue sometimes when I'm alone. Anyone peering into my vehicle while I'm driving must think me nuts. But He gives me moments with others He has put in my path, moments that I cherish and think about when I'm by myself. Like someone I dearly love sending a "just thinking about you" email or someone who answers the phone when I call and the tone of their voice clearly states that they're glad it's me. Lately, a conversation with one I love dearly, a conversation that prompted plans for coffee. So Debbie, if you read this, I'm still planning on Friday!

And one more spontaneous smile for this morning as two year old asks older sister "Will you put your cat up so she won't eat my mom?" This as Sota, the house cat, nibbles at my feet.

I'm enjoying the spontaneous smiles prompted by His goodness to me.

Aha...it's still here!

2011-01-01T18:33:00.003-05:00

Amazing how something like a blog can be left unattended for months and when you return, it's waiting right where you left it.

Started New Years with no resolutions. I've decided resolutions make little sense due to the fact that I don't know what the year may hold so why begin it with my own plans. The slightest thing may come along to beset my goals. My best bet is to start the year asking something very simple from Him. My request? For Him to help me face whatever He plans for me this year with unwavering faith. That will be an improvement from last year!

I did actually attempt to begin the year well, spending the entire day with every financial document from the last year sprawled on the living room floor with me. Trying to organize things I (we, actually, can't leave Sweetman out where he, too, deserves credit!) let become somewhat chaotic last year. So hopefully we will be slightly on the organized side as we begin this year.

I consider the day a great success, not because I accomplished all I would have hoped, but because just a matter of minutes ago the precious two and a half year old, who's helping to grow our character daily by her own struggles in learning how to live within our boundaries, told me "Good job, Mom." I have no idea what she thinks I did a good job at, but that matters little. They were sweet words and I could not have appreciated an applaud more from any other person.

Psalm 65:11--"Thou crownest the year with thy goodness..."

if i listened to the world

2010-09-25T07:37:00.003-04:00

If I listened to the world, I would have raised my children quite differently.

I would have respected their space and let them live to themselves. I guess that would mean letting them spend a lot of time by themselves searching for who they were, allowing them to isolate themselves in their bedrooms and delve into whatever media they preferred.

I probably would have just assumed that disrespect and disobedience were normal behaviors at certain ages and simply held my tongue and walked away quietly when that happened, gritting my teeth and hoping I would survive those times until they grew up.

I would have allowed them to search endlessly until they found something to follow in this world, something they would want to anchor themselves to, no matter where it brought them.

I'm glad for my rebellion. I'm glad I've always found the world's way to be unsteady and unreliable. I'm glad I've never listened to the world because...

yesterday I spent the day with two people who are my favorite company, my most encouraging companions. He is eighteen and she is fourteen, ages traditionally joked about because of behaviors thought to be "typical". But kids are not typical, they are what they are taught and what they choose to be. These two don't drive me crazy, they make me laugh with their humorous ways. They don't bring me sorrow, they overload me with joy when I see their thoughtfulness with me, each other, and others who they don't even know. I don't experience regret for choices their dad and I made in raising them, instead I am quite grateful that we listened to a Greater One and used His words as our guide.

I'm amazed by what happens when in our smallness we simply made an attempt to go against the common tide of the world's ways and followed the unpopular method of the All Knowing One.

I spent the day with the very two people who are my favorite company and I'm glad I never let the world advise me on how to raise them.

enjoying the preserved

2010-08-19T19:47:00.004-04:00

So thankful for what is left after the garden has been tilled under. Though it appears an empty mess, there is evidence of the incredible life once there. The frozen vegies in the freezer, canned salsa, or pickles in the frig all stand as reminders of the faithful times of sewing the good. Even in the midst of a desolate looking patch of ground, I can taste the good.

The good is listening to a fourteen year old girl who refuses to wear the label adolescent because she has much higher ambitions than just being a typical teenager. She intends to walk along the narrow path even if she walks it alone.

The good is hearing a two year old sing songs for the first time, seeing her smile that spreads across her entire face, and watching her eyes light up as she hears the words "Has anybody seen my mouse?" while reading her favorite poems. She was a surprise child who was put here for such a time as this.

The good is reminding a nearly grown son that he dare not cross the fine line to disrespect in pursuit of adulthood and having him come back and accept the correction like a man. Though he may not try to be a "people pleaser", he will please people and find favor.

The good is listening to a seven year old who catches his breath in amazement when he sees a wrong being committed by a family member. He has been taught the right way over the years and just assumes all would follow it.

The good is putting arms around the ten year old in church while standing to sing and feeling the vibration of his chest and knowing that although I cannot hear him...he is singing. He reads the words on the screen, sings them, and lets them sink into his heart.

The good is all around me everyday even though I sometimes feel like I'm standing on a desolate patch of ground. I'm enjoying my preserves and thankful for my life garden.

the pollinators

2010-07-12T11:21:00.004-04:00

The okra is as high as my elbows, as are some of the weeds, but I wade through quite content, bugs and all. I'm so thankful for our garden that refuses to quit giving this year. Tomatoes, corn, peppers, squash, zucchini, pattypan, cucumbers, watermelon, cantaloupe, eggplant, peas, okra...it's all been in there. Today I picked peas and okra amidst mosquitoes, (which I tolerated since the enjoyment of being in the garden is greater than the disturbance the mosquitoes cause me) but also in the company of many hardworking helpful insects. As I finished up, a rain shower came along to cool me off and relieve me of the pesky mosquitoes. I walked back up to the house with my horn of plenty...tonight's dinner and some for the freezer.

In recent years, it seems we've had a shortage of the "good" six-legged critters to help keep our garden healthy, but this year they returned. Every morning when I visit my thoughtful spot to pick our supper, I've shared that space with tens of tens of bees, buzzing from one flower to another. As I disturb them, I watch their fuzzy black pollen-covered bottoms fly away and I learn to appreciate pollen.

Pollen causes so many people such problems, but I am immensely thankful for the stuff. Those little critters certainly don't realize what they're doing as they search for their nectar, flying from one source to another, depositing what each of my garden flowers needs for growth, but I know they are making food grow in my garden and I welcome them.

People are like that too, at least a lot of them I know. My children benefit from many of them. Just people buzzing about doing what makes them, well, them, not realizing the effect they have all about them. Depositing little bits of what He put in them on others which starts a chain reaction of blessings for the unsuspecting. I'm so thankful for the pollinators.

"I took big gulps of Scripture, I'll be fine"

2010-05-21T21:09:00.003-04:00

Homeschooling is different. The tendency to question one's self becomes a way of life. Prayer becomes vital. The "typical" becomes nonexistent. Assuming an "authority" is always right on many subjects disappears as thinking for ourselves takes over. Selfishness bit by bit, year by year becomes replaced by self-sacrifice in order for harmony to be found. Perfection is never reached, but contentment is.

Today was graduation day for us. Highschool man had to take a college entrance test to see if he qualified for the college program he chose. I was nervous. I admit my anxiety had more to do with how the results made me look. I have been waiting for this test simply to tell me whether I have taught him well enough over the last 12 years for him to continue in whatever field he chose. Again, I was nervous. He is an amazing person, but I have not been an amazing teacher.

So I sent him to bed early. Woke him early and placed a good breakfast in front of him, but he insisted he could not eat that early. After a not-so-well delivered speech about the importance of eating so a hungry stomach wouldn't distract during testing, I walked away...angry.

He left without another word and I was almost disappointed until I found the note he left. I have received many precious notes from some of the dearest people, but this one will stay with me always. It was written in his horrible manuscript he inherited from me. It simply said "I took big gulps of Scripture, I'll be fine".

So we all prayed for him and let go of the worries. He did very well. These years have been blessed by One who has plans for highschool man.

life with a snake

2010-05-19T07:23:00.003-04:00

I'm not actually referring to the slithering creature that has found a safe haven in our home. This time I'm talking about the woman my husband lives with...me.

Yesterday, I sat across the desk from someone who said they admired me because of the choices I've made. Aaaahhhhhhh, crushing blow...some people have no mercy! Ever have that happen...people saying kind words lifting you up when unfortunately you know too well the individual they are speaking of?

People say kind things sometimes--as difficult as it may be to swallow them when they are about you. I've been guilty of saying some kind words to people myself! I say them because there are people whose very existence I have benefited from because they minister to my children or they have shown love to me in one form or another. So I dare to say those sweet words to them...knowing, however, even as I say them how humbling it can be just to hear kind words about oneself because not one of us is actually good and we know it...hopefully. (I suppose it's those who really think those adjectives pertain to them that we should be worried about.)

So as the kind words came across the desk yesterday, there came another dose of humility. But not as great a dose as flooded me later that night when sitting on the couch with sweetman. We were discussing--okay, arguing--about some schooling issues...sore subject for me lately. I ended the conversation by pointing out some short comings on his part. Why is it when we say what we are really itching to say sometimes it feels so bad afterwards? So in one day I go from someone saying extremely kind words about me to me doing something to prove I'm not worthy of them. I really already knew I wasn't worthy of them...why did I have to prove it again?

i see the point of bedroom slippers...wish i had some

2010-05-17T03:06:00.002-04:00

As I woke up at 3:00 A.M. (again), I dreaded the idea of walking into the living room from the bedroom. Usually I don't have this problem. I'm not generally afraid of the dark, but we still have not found the snake previously mentioned that is lost in our house. A few nights ago, we thought it was trapped in our library. Everyone went back to sleep that night, warily, with creepy crawlies in their mind. Two boys who had been camping out in the library decided they would sleep in their room the rest of the night instead...together on the top bunk. Teenage girl had been sleeping on the floor in her room for a couple of weeks, not because she has no bed (she has two: a trundle she usually sleeps in and a top bunk), but she's been trying to get herself in the habit of waking earlier so she can have quiet time first thing in the morning. She decided if she was less comfortable in her sleeping conditions, it would be easier to get up in the mornings. I wouldn't have thought of that, but it seems to have worked...until the snake. That night she went back to bed and opted for the top bunk. Good choice considering at 6:30 the next morning, we heard her alarm going off and her calling for help...the snake had found its way into her room. She's not sleeping on the floor anymore.
This missing snake is the reason for my hesitancy in leaving my bed in the middle of the night. Suddenly the probability of stepping on that creature in the dark didn't rule in my mind (I mean what are the odds), but just the possibility of such a thing reigned and paralyzed me for a while before I finally got up. Once I got up every shadow on the floor became a snake and I found myself counting how many steps till I could turn on a light without waking anyone. I was sure the snake was stalking me (mind you, it's only the size of a large shoe string) and when the cat pounced unexpectedly, adrenaline kicked in and I nearly hit the ceiling. Fear had a grip on me.
I keep thinking there must be a spiritual comparison in all this. Fear in the darkness, afraid of the unknown, wary of what's out there, nervous and lacking confidence...that's how I am when I get away from my strong tower. But when I walk in the light, assurance provides rest in my soul and I experience the sweetest peace, I see things more clearly, I am not fearful. I am thankful for the Light and the light tonight. I might even turn the light out and try to rest some more, but for the cat's sake, it had better not pounce anymore.

"there's a snake in my boot"

2010-05-15T03:27:00.004-04:00

Okay, in our case there's a snake in our library and that has me wide awake at 3:00 in the morning. Actually I might have been wide awake anyway considering I woke up at 2:00 A.M. because I couldn't sleep. It was then as I walked through the living room and approached the threshold of the library that I noticed our cat playing with something...something that appeared to be playing back or fighting for survival. So what do you do when you discover a snake in the house in the middle of the night? Well, if I were as courageous as my mom I would have thrown something on top of it and smashed it quick or in my mom's case captured it live and put it in an aquarium for the kids to be amazed by, but I'm not so courageous. I jumped on a chair and screamed for Sweetman and highschool man and woke everyone else up too because how dare they sleep with a snake in the house. Of course, while I insisted they turn the library upside down and slaughter the slithery creature the snake must have found himself a cozy spot to rest because he's nowhere to be found. Our solution? Lock the cat in the library with the snake and hopefully we will wake in the morning to a healthy cat resting next to the snake's carcass.

Every once in a while, I hear the cat scratching away at something and I feel no sympathy for the invader.

Snakes have been everywhere lately. I know Debbie at Deb's Everyday has had encounters with the little creatures lately too. One of my little guys dreamed about a king cobra on the same night I dreamed about some sort of viper (and I never credit any of those dreams with Sigmund Freud's twisted thinking) and another one of my little guys spotted a scarlet king snake at our back door the other day, very pretty, but still a snake. My mom has caught two corn snakes recently, yes, she caught them. She wanted the kids to see them...she's a very impressive woman. The creatures are just all over.

I really do enjoy nature, but not in my library.

For tonight, I think my daughter might have given up on sleeping on the floor, my little guys have decided to leave their Friday night slumber/movie hangout spot--the library, and everyone else is sleeping in portions of the house closed off to the library with towels blocking the doorways. But I am not sleeping, instead I keep hoping to hear more fuss from the cat, some sign of struggle for life and victory on the cat's part. How can the rest of them sleep with a snake in the house?

saved through childbearing

2010-05-09T04:05:00.004-04:00

I Timothy 2:15--"Yet she will be saved through childbearing--if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control."

I have known of this verse since I became a mom over eighteen years ago and I've felt its impact in my life since then.

Before motherhood, I actually didn't anticipate motherhood. I planned on a career that would take me far from everything I had ever known. I wanted to go into an abyss of solitude and work in some field that could keep me from relationships with anyone...sounds so dark and creepy to realize that's what I longed for once.

But even though I had no desire for family, when I saw mothers, I was in awe. Even in my childless state, I thought there was some mysterious phenomenon about being a mother. I didn't realize that the mystery was not in being a mom, but in the benefits being a mom offers.

He has a way of setting detours when we have given our lives to Him, detours that lead us to places we rebellious ones don't want to go by choice. So somehow I married and had children. I know I say this so flippantly as though it just happened without much choice on my part, but that is where a great miracle in my life happened. He arranged things in my life that I'm certain I did not have the insight to plan. My great blessing, my anchor...being mom.

I look back often and understand where the path of solitude and withdrawal leads...that was the path I thought I wanted. The path of a loner, leading me to isolation, although eventually it would have included probably many destructive relationships sought after out of desperation for some connection.

How amazing that that was not my course, after all. Instead motherhood. Something grand I did not deserve. The opportunity to have the most precious of all things in my hands to shape and guide...an innocent little life, a handful of them now!

It has kept me.

When little ones you know belong to Him are walking behind you, following your steps, you are more careful to avoid dangerous places lest you lead them there.

I am no longer awed by motherhood as a mysterious phenomenon. Better than that, it is obviously a great opportunity He offered me. An opportunity to be anchored by adhering to the demands being "mom" places on me. The demands are not providing meals, cleaning their clothes, running errands for them. The demands are keeping my heart set on Him so I live following Him so they will be directed to their ultimate hope.

I have struggled with living this way because I am still rebellious sometimes, lately more than before. But I see His goodness in this plan whether I stay the course or fall into a pit, I see His plan in motherhood. Motherhood has saved me from much.

a heart being primed

2010-05-03T09:23:00.005-04:00

Life has taken some strange turns lately. I have not been so vigilant about guarding my heart, taking thoughts captive, thinking on good and true things which, of course, means the mom in this family has been wavering, not so steady and the family feels the repercussions.

The surprising thing is His faithfulness throughout. I guess I'm not so much surprised as amazed. I know His word says He is faithful, but when experiencing it in the midst of my own wavering, it has left me most grateful and amazed and provided me with an awareness of how truly undeserving I am.

His faithfulness is most seen as I have watched little arrows in my midst being wooed by Him. The older two responding to Him in very personal ways, having quiet time on their own, minds becoming curious about lives of those who gave all for Christ, in short-growing in their faith. The middle one seeing more in life and connecting how this ultimately relates to Christ, i.e. finding a message relating to Christ in a movie or a book. But it is number four arrow I've been watching and waiting for.

We never plan a time when we will introduce them to the Savior. We hope they are being introduced everyday as they watch us walk with Him. As a young parent, at first I followed others and thought I needed to urge the little ones to "receive" Him, but as I talked more with Him, He showed me how He does the calling. So I've been waiting on arrow number four to have his heart tugged.
It has been happening lately! That youngest of the boys comes to me sometimes and whispers in my ear. One day it was during altar call at church--he had a prayer request and needed to go to the altar to pray for someone. That was the first time he showed any signs of wanting to know and talk to this Christ we talk about. Over the last few weeks his whisperings in my ear-always just for me and him, a "secret"-they have been about truths he has discovered after hearing words from the Good Book, a little deductive reasoning from the mind of a seven year old. I would tell you what he's been whispering since these things are known by those who follow Christ and not truly personal secrets, but I cannot share them because they are his "secrets", special truths understood by him, special things newly revealed that he's never thought about before. But he has been thinking about them lately because he is being pursued by the One who loves him more than I can.

I expect a new birth any time now.

His faithfulness does not end.

how they teach eachother

2010-04-30T12:02:00.004-04:00

They were at it again today. It has become somewhat of a routine lately. The three littlest bodies wandering outside climbing up the slide to the fenced in trampoline and then their lessons begin. No books, no pencils, just three little people learning how to tolerate one another and cooperate. The littlest is not quite two so she must be cared for on the apparatus which is known to keep emergency rooms active. Her older brothers learn to be gentle and thoughtful of little ones around them. They teach her that everyone takes a turn so she sits and waits for hers. They are not perfectly behaved though. Occasionally, I hear the little flower girl's scream and look out the window to see her upset that they don't do just what she wants, but they learn to handle their frustrations with each other because I tell them there are some things they have to figure out for themselves. Big brothers are smart when it comes to pacifying baby sisters. One comes in for a favorite drinking cup, filling it with cold water and delivering it to sis. All's fine again, little girl sits content drinking, watching big brothers jump again.
One day they will read Dickens and learn about the significance of Newton's laws, but for right now they're getting their master's in human relations and I'm okay with that.

living dangerously

2010-04-22T10:19:00.003-04:00

To Preach because I didn't buy you a card!

We live in a world full of opportunities to risk and show how daring we are usually by doing the extreme. People climb mountains, jump from airplanes, race cars, or travel to far away places and others see that as bold living, the extreme, living dangerously. But looking back on these years of living with you, living dangerously has been redefined for me. Who in their right mind would sign a contract binding them to another for life when that process of uniting as one means growth on the inward parts is a must and growth is not comfortable? Suddenly the choices one would make are dependent on the well-being of the other. Who we are as individuals changes as the who we are as a couple becomes more important and the who we are in Him, the focus. We made the most daring of choices when adding lives to this mix of you and me, five lives He sent to us. How could we know the range our emotions could travel until little parts of us were delivered into a life that promises challenges along with heartaches? There is a certain blessing that comes from being naive, a blessing in just doing and not knowing all that can come, knowing could produce fear, and fear causes hesitation to do anything. As they get older and as I get older and my heart is now more invested in you and them, I know more about what it means to live dangerously. I have never felt adventurous until now when I look back at the years and see all we have experienced. I would not have thought myself capable to bear so much and I would have doubted you being able to bear me so much. But look at what He has done...life could not be more adventurous.

fifty years

2010-04-14T10:58:00.004-04:00

I have wondered what thoughts to share on their special day. I'm unqualified to speak about the blissful state of marriage as I'm still in the midst of times when marriage is difficult. Marriage is hard...two becoming one can feel quite unnatural. I've found myself questioning God at one time or another wondering what was He thinking? But I suppose He always asks us to do things that go against our nature maybe because He knows how hopeless we humans are and how desperately we need a better way to keep us out of trouble. But while I cannot talk about the state of marriage in general, I can talk about what their marriage has meant to us. Sometimes being one of the two who became one it's difficult to see the impact of your union on those around you. But their commitment to each other has affected us.

Mind you, they are definitely two very different individuals. Granny, as we call her, is much more of a social bug as our Emily will testify to. Any time Em runs errands with Granny, she knows it will take quite a while because Granny knows most of the people in the stores and this means a lot of stopping to talk. Granny is also the spoiler of the grand kids. There is no denying this! If a little one wants candy, they usually get it if they're at Granny's. Want to watch a t.v. show?--Go to Granny's! But how could a mom be upset with this? For when they head over to her house, they are carefree, going to another safe haven. What a relief for me! In a world where there are many things to worry about harming my kids, the greatest concern I have with them going to Granny's is that they could get a cavity or watch a few episodes of Bonanza. She provides a safe place for these kids so I can enjoy a little quiet.

Papa is certainly no social bug, but when he does talk we all listen, because he tells about earlier years...moonshining years. Today we will play music like "White Lightning" by George Jones and "Revenooer Man" by Alan Jackson and smile, knowing this is Papa's history and we love to hear about it. But Papa does not spoil children. He has a tough side as any trespasser can tell you after they've met up with him with a rifle in his hand. But that toughness is lost when little Lily leans in to hug him goodbye because after the hug she always leans in again for her kiss--only she expects him to give one to her...her innocent expectation forcing tenderness from him. Papa is just plain no nonsense and hardworking following the tradition of his ancestors who settled in this county about one hundred and fifty years ago when there was nothing here. His hard work provides me with one of my favorite things-a garden. He does all of the hard work year round--preparing the field, planting, fertilizing, watering, and then lets me have the fun part...the harvest.

As different as they are, it is their oneness that we benefit from most. I tried to imagine what it would be like if they were not together and that's when I realized the enormous impact their union has had on us. Who can understand the mystery of marriage? I can't. I'm convinced I would love Papa as dearly if it were just him and I'm certain I would love Granny the same if it were just her, but if they were not "the two of them as one" something would be missing. They are both great on their own, but as a unit they are different. Marriage adds a whole new dimension. Two people individually are great, but two people together add a whole new dynamic, something special because the goodness of them both is now multiplied and there are new facets to the combining of their personalities. We are so thankful that they became one so many years ago as we have all been blessed by that.

unworthy

2010-04-03T22:53:00.005-04:00

I use few words when I speak to Him lately. Not afraid, not in rebellion, but few words because for one thing I'm ever aware that He already knows every thought and intent, but also He has blessed me by allowing me to see my own depravity as if through a magnifying glass so I don't miss it. This causes me to come more humbly, more reverently than before, with fewer words and more gratitude.

How can I rightly call Him worthy until I see just how unworthy I am.

The well-meaning in this world would have me love myself and see good in myself, believe in myself, esteem me. I have noticed when I've found any of these thoughts sneaking into my way of life, He suddenly does not seem so supreme. I am acceptable in my own eyes. I cannot convince myself to see His sovereignty. I am blinded by settling for measuring up to mankind's standard of good. A steady diet of religious cheer leading can cause one to become self-focused.

He does not let me stay in my blindness. Instead He turns on a light for me, shining it on my shame, allowing me to see the ugly humanity that lives inside. My ugliness sitting next to His willingness to offer such a costly sacrifice for me humbles me. When the focus returns to the One who set all in motion, when the evidence of His divine protection in my life, when His mercy is clearly seen in spite of my waywardness, when He allows correction to bring me back, when I'm reminded that He who is HOLY gave all for the depraved me, then I cannot help but see how great He is and how unworthy I am. Then I can understand the refrain "Worthy to receive glory, honor, and power..."

Then I approach Him more aware of His sovereignty, unable to speak too many words, just awed that He loves even me.

the runaway

2010-04-02T21:13:00.003-04:00

--"Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away. So he said to his mother, "I am running away." "If you run away," said his mother, "I will run after you. For you are my little bunny."
The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown

It is a favorite book, read to the kids for years now. Tonight the youngest held it as she fell asleep, minutes before looking for the bunnies hidden in the pictures.

The little bunny's goal is to run away, but Mother bunny explains throughout the story that no matter where he goes she will be there to bring him back to her. Whether in a stream, in a garden, in a circus, or on a mountain, she refuses to let him get away.

I can relate to little bunny. I've wanted to run away recently, but I've felt a grip on me, a tenacious refusal to let me go off on my own. His hold is tight and not to be taken lightly. He does not just let me walk away easily. His grace was too costly for Him to allow me to flippantly walk from Him.

I have felt the graveness of the consequences of running away. How could He let His own take so lightly His grace without allowing correction?

Still I have wanted to be the little bunny as the children's book describes and get far from all. Go to the unfamiliar, the foreign, the different, the places I've never visited before, the places I think may hold the unknown that beckons to me...that calls me to come and taste...just one bite.

But He does not let me go so easily. He holds and keeps me. I fight an inward struggle, wanting "freedom" that would bind me while knowing His is the way of complete peace. I have been willing to forsake the peace, but He has not been willing to forsake me. He holds on to His because His is a "costly grace", His sacrifice is not to be taken lightly.

Chronological Guide to the Bible--Book Review

2010-03-15T16:42:00.005-04:00

I received a complimentary copy of the Chronological Guide to the Bible from Thomas Nelson Publishing for review. I find enjoyment in almost anything associated with history and time lines. While I enjoyed diving into this book and swallowing a lot of information quickly, this is actually a study resource to keep on hand for reference. This would be a perfect resource to keep handy for studying a particular time period in the Bible. The Guide is divided into nine epochs, or time periods of history. Each section contains biblical events listed chronologically and the historical evidence of such events. Names of people and places mentioned in the Bible are explained from an archaeological point of view so as to explain that these places are recorded in other sources of historical information as well as the Bible. Traditions and terms that are alluded to in the Bible are also explained making Bible reading more understandable.

In each Epoch, a brief description of the time period is given, including events that are described in the Bible during that period, archaeological evidence found for that time, the people or groups living during that time, and any Biblical book or parts of books that cover that particular time period. After this introduction, there comes a brief historical overview of the time period followed by a chronological reading guide to show what portions of the Bible are covered here and should be read simultaneously. Since many books of the Bible or portions of books contain events that happened in the same time, there are sometimes more than one Bible book or a portion of one or more being covered in each epoch. In this instance, the Guide takes one book of the Bible at a time and briefly covers an introduction to that book, an outline, and a time capsule, which explains historical events recorded by date during that time. Following this is an explanation of subjects discussed in that book or portion of that book. This is much more detailed information.

For example, in Epoch Four, in the book of Judges, we are given the background of the place referred to as Arad in Judges. Archaeological discoveries made concerning this place are given. After this comes a section explaining the practice of worshiping many gods during that time which helps to understand what the Israelites had started getting involved in. There are more glimpses into the events of Judges after that, from explanations of how long the era of the Judges lasted to a description of exactly who Baal was thought to be to a section telling details of what being a Nazirite actually meant and more. Once that particular book or portion of a book is covered, the next book set at that time period is covered in the same way until each book of the Bible that contains information about the time period has been explained. Then the next epoch or time period begins.

This guide assists in understanding the context of what is talked about in Scriptures. Like, in Epoch Five, it describes exactly what a cistern is and how it was used when discussing the book of Jeremiah. This helps to understand the comparison Jeremiah makes between God's people settling for a broken cistern instead of a living fountain. Understanding the context of Scripture can help in comprehension and the Chronological Guide to the Bible offers the exactly that.

the great pit of carkoon

2010-03-12T08:45:00.003-05:00

I listened to him more intently today. For weeks he has told me of the characters on the new game he's been playing, but my heart has been clogged. A heart is to be a guarded place, but when it is infiltrated the whole person is affected. The mind is swallowed with thoughts that consume seconds, minutes, hours, even days. Conversations happen all around, but little is heard because the mind is busy. The heart is to be protected at all costs, it is the cherished place.

My time has been so wasted lately in my thought life. If an enemy were to attack me, that would be the prime target for destroying me as thinking is my favorite past time. I welcome quiet places where my mind is free to ruminate, to chew the cud of everyday happenings.

I have known for months of the dangers of allowing my mind to wander and have even fought the onslaught of invading thoughts, but I became tired in the fight...and weak. Gradually, I fought less vigorously until finally I set aside my sword and just ducked for cover. To my own dismay, I eventually found myself so bombarded that all that was left, it seemed, was to hand myself over, a captive to an enemy, thrown into a pit, thinking this is where I deserve to be, where I belong.

Somewhere in the midst of the fight, before I had grown too weak, I searched for an ear. I found it almost accidentally and spilled bits of information about my struggle to that one, only bits. That has probably kept me. For at times when the onslaught has grown wearisome, I have found slight refuge in hinting again at my struggle to this one. A sort of release of the contained pressure on my mind. So when the time came when I was certain that I had been dominated and had reached the unbearable, there had been a seed planted in another. A seed of "I need someone to listen", "I have to speak things out loud to someone", "Help me sort this confusion". There is great comfort in speaking the shameful out loud to one who does not react with disbelief, dismay, accusation, or even grasping to provide an answer when really they don't have one.

To sit in the bottom of the pit and have someone crawl in next to you, plop down beside you in the midst of the mire and listen, hold you when you cry, let you speak everything out loud, everything that you would normally dread anyone knowing about...to sit in that spot with them and then see them smile at you, hear them make fun of the predicaments we humans can get into and then laugh while causing you to laugh too, to spend hours allowing you to open your heart and let all the messy contents spill out in their presence...that is an ear provided by One who loves me so well.

I am so thankful for the ear that listened. Shared misery can create a tight bond. A burden bearer gives hope.

As little guy talked for nearly half an hour today about his new game, my mind heard him. No longer bombarded, pressure relieved, light shed on the darkness, the overwhelming now sitting quietly in a corner of my mind. As he mentioned the Great Pit of Carkoon, I considered the great pit I feel myself climbing out of and I was thankful he would never know about it.

Beaded Hope--Book Review

2010-03-09T00:40:00.001-05:00

Recently, I received a copy of Beaded Hope by Cathy Liggett to review courtesy of Tyndale Publishing. I do not spend a great quantity of time reading fictional stories, but this one peaked my interest due to its setting. The setting involves a missions trip to South Africa by a small group of women, all struggling with uncertainties in their lives. The draw for me was a missions trip and the affects it had on the lives of the women involved. Although it has been years since I've been on a mission's trip, my husband went for years and now our son has been led to go so the subject matter caught my eye.

The setting for this story is South Africa where a small group of women travel together to work with women in that region. I didn't actually understand the premise for the American women going there at first. Usually when a group goes on a missions trip there is a plan to minister in the area through evangelism with Vacation Bible Schools, puppet shows, or special services. In this story it seems like these women are just dropped off with no focus about what to do until it is explained that they will help the women of that area earn a living by buying their bead work and selling it back in the states. The lack of focus about what they were doing there confused me a little. However, they do end up getting involved in the lives of the women there and helping them by purchasing their crafts. Of course, in the process their own problems, which are addressed in the first few chapters, must be dealt with and the encounters they have with individuals in South Africa lead them to understand how to handle their situations.

Although this is a fictional story, it is based on an actual group called Beaded Hope that does purchase the bead work of women in South Africa to assist them in earning money to support their families in areas greatly affected by AIDS. Many women have no other way to provide for their families so this ministry allows them to earn money by their craft.

The idea that spoke loudest to me in the book was the effect the women in South Africa had on the American women. Oftentimes when setting out on a missions trip, the travelers expect to be the ministers, but so often come back home realizing they have been the ones most affected. Sometimes those in poor countries show us how to be content with little. Sometimes those in countries plagued by circumstances they cannot control, like diseases or duress, show us that trials can draw us closer to Christ, whereas if things always go our way, we tend to forget our need for Him. This book shows that in a few of the characters in South Africa.

who knew?!

2010-03-03T11:00:00.003-05:00

Watching from the screen door as they walk to Granny's, my mind travels back, remembering the reaction of big girl to the news that a little girl was on her way, enlarging our family yet again. Big girl was not happy. She's not mean spirited at all, but she was content with the family as it was. The idea of yet another child was quite a chunk for her to swallow. She handled it a little better after learning it was a boy, as long as it wasn't a girl. Em had been the only girl in our family and the extended family for years. She was pretty happy with that arrangement.

But sonograms are only as reliable as the one looking at them and sometimes a person may think they see what is really not there after all. Such was the case a couple of years ago, for in a follow up sonogram, Dad and I explained to the new sonogram reader that we already knew this little guy was a boy, but we really wanted to know if he appeared healthy. She stayed quiet and we wondered what was up. Then finally she had two things she needed to tell us. "First," she said, "everything looks good, very healthy, but" she added, "I need to tell you, this is no little boy!" We both had smiles ear to ear, as girls have been rare in our family, but immediately our thoughts went to that big girl of ours at home. What would she think? She was the one we most desperately wanted to share the news with. Certainly when she thought about it and realized she would have a little sister, she would really be happy.

Not so.

She is really not mean spirited, but she did not want a little female invader. Throughout the pregnancy, then the birth and homecoming, I waited thinking eventually she's going to love her. Love comes slowly sometimes, I've learned. I never woke up and instantly recognized her love for the little sister she had never invited in her life. But over months and months, she would make her a juice cup and smile back if smiled at. Or while holding her, she would make funny faces and laugh with her...if she thought no one was looking. Then she finally didn't care if anyone saw her as she would take little sis on her knee and play "Trot to Town". Now she traipses over to Granny's with little girl on her back, bouncing along the way.

I watch from the screen door and think it took much longer than I thought it would, but it's also much sweeter than I had hoped for. It's a genuine love grown from the heart of a girl's selfish wants being transformed into the realization that her desires do not get priority in this life.

I watch them walk away together and amazement fills me because I think they are both fabulous. I will never be afraid to say wonderful words describing them, as I know they are not mine and I have little to do with the characters they are. They belong to Someone greater than their dad and me, He is the One who made them so much alike...and different. He is the One who gave the one brown eyes when she wanted blue, but then gave the little one the blue ones! He is the One who made them both sneaky and stubborn, yet strong and determined. He is the One who gave the one who always wanted a big sister a little sister instead, so maybe she can be the big sis she always wanted. Who knew He had all that planned...and more?

go strong, follow Him

2010-03-01T14:18:00.004-05:00

He wakes up each morning and types a few words of encouragement on a laptop and then heads to work. "Work" is a strange word for it considering we had planned on him filling out applications here and there, then simply settling for what he could find to give him a small, first time income, but this place he goes to was not in our plans. Someone else came up with this. He goes eagerly each day, learning the ropes in the field of ministry, living outside himself, something I'm not sure I've ever been really good at.

As he has reached this age of "sort of" adulthood, I admit there have been times when I've gotten a little defensive with him. My flesh has surfaced more than once when he's resisted something I've spoken about and instead vocalized his own thoughts on the subject. There has been a natural tendency to want to remind him who carried him in the womb, who cared for him and taught him all these years, but then in the quiet the ever Faithful reminds me of what my goal has been for them all. "That they will follow Him".

As I stay home more than usual lately, and watch him going to work, to services, to places far away to minister by building churches, I'm reminded that though I go through trials of my faith, he is no longer following me, but the Great One, Christ Himself, who does not fail. What more could I want? Certainly, not for that child of mine to follow me.

There is a fleshly desire, I believe, that makes me want them all to stand by what their mother says and always remain faithfully devoted to me and reverence me as that special person, the likes of which they will never find again in their lives. But when I see that desire for what it really is, nothing more than my selfishness seeking honor and obeisance for no purpose more than to simply build me up, that's when I'm able to laugh at me and such silliness. Then I can say quietly, in my heart, out of the hearing of them all, "go strong, God's man, follow Him, He will not fail you, though I will, He will keep you and I can't, go strong and I won't try to hold on to you, I will only cry happy tears as you walk away with Him."

I want them all to let go of me and grab hold of the True One. I do not want their allegiance. I cannot do for them what He can. Even as I struggle, I can have no greater joy than to know that these children walk in the truth.

wearing the fig leaf

2010-02-26T12:42:00.003-05:00

I am thankful for the host of characters described in Your holy book. I find myself playing the role of one or another of them often. When I feel inept, in no position to accomplish any task You may ask of me, my name becomes Moses and I remember You used him in spite of his lacking. When I am temperamental and rash, I am Peter and I am thankful to know that You transformed him and filled him with You so that he ardently spread Your message.

But right now, I think I'm Eve, hiding from You. Running from our times of communion. Reminiscing times when I clung to You, times when my heart seemed firm on Your path, times when I again like Peter insisted "though others may abandon You, I will not" and now knowing in the midst of a trial instead of standing firm, I'm wavering. I feel like I'm wandering through the garden of what You have blessed me with, covering my shame with fig leaves, hiding from You. Keeping away, avoiding You.

Of all of them written about, Eve is not one I see hope in. She is not the one I want to be...I do not remember a major transformation in her. I do not remember her accomplishing anything great for You. I only remember the transgression and shame.

Maybe my focus is targeted at the wrong one...I do remember the story and in that story the focus is truly on You and what You did for her. Yes, there was shame and consequences, but there was great love as You sacrificed the innocent for the first time ever and covered her shame. Death had never been known before then, but it was not hers that happened first. You allowed death to come first at Your own hands before allowing her to experience it. You sacrificed first.

Too often I focus on the wrong ones, instead of seeing You.

A Century Turns--Book Review

2010-02-26T12:00:00.000-05:00

I've been reviewing the last twenty years lately with my most recent book received from Thomas Nelson Publishers. A Century Turns by William J. Bennett covers the last twenty years of our country. Occasionally, I receive a book that I know I'll share with the whole family and this is one of those. I enjoy just about anything Bill Bennett manages to put into print so reminiscing the last twenty years from his perspective reminds me of so much I want to share with my children about the years in which I became a "grown up".

I appreciate the insight he shares about events beginning with George H. W. Bush becoming President of our country and ending with the election of our current President. This book, however, is not centered only on political history. It covers events throughout that time period that shaped our country, events like the Pan Am bombing, the fight against the drug culture, race conflicts, the Branch Davidians, technological advancements, hurricane Katrina, and many other events of that time period. There is, of course, a massive amount of information on politics and foreign relations, too though, including terrorist attacks, elections, and controversies that were linked to politicians of the time.

His book includes a wealth of bibliographic material to back up the accuracy of the events as told, but as he mentions early on one of the main sources is Bill Bennett, himself, as he was there. That is a perspective I have much appreciation for as he was a voice of reason and calm I remembered through many of the events he writes about.

Bible Maps and Charts--Book Review

2010-02-16T10:02:00.003-05:00

Recently, I received for review Nelson's Complete Book of Bible Maps and Charts. I planned to give this book to my high school son as a resource for his Bible studies, but we will be sharing this one. The book covers three time periods: Old Testament, Intertestamental Period (just a brief description with maps), and New Testament. The charts, maps, outlines, and timelines included in this collection help in understanding the settings for each time period.

The Old and New Testament sections are divided according to the types of books and then a brief introduction is given in the beginning of that section of books about what they contain before a detailed outline of each of the individual book is given which includes authorship, dates, themes, an outline, timeline of events, and finally maps that show where all the events of that book took place. For example, as we open to the Old Testament section, there is a chart showing an overview of the Old Testament and afterwards an introduction to the Pentateuch (first five books of the Bible). This introduction discusses what is contained in the Pentateuch as far as the books and what events take place and it includes two charts, one tells brief information about each book and the other tells a brief chronology of events. Then comes the detailed story of the book of Genesis. After telling about the author, the date of writing, and the themes, we are given a chart showing events, locations, and topics, as well as a timeline showing the book covers the period of Adam to Joseph. Then comes the outline of Genesis followed by details, details, details, and many charts and maps to assist in understanding where events took place.

It should be understood that these charts are not repetitive. They do not only contain events in the books and time period information. The charts are designed specifically for each book's contents. For example, in Genesis, under the section "Does the Bible Really Say That?", there is a chart showing common phrases or sayings we hear today, what the phrase means, and the original context from the Bible. Here is one from that chart:
Saying or Phrase Meaning Today Original Context
Babel or a Tower of Babel A symbol of confusion Gen. 11:1-9

My description does not contain the full description, but that's the idea.

Overall, this will be a great study guide for our family and I look forward to using it again and again. It contains much more information than can be included in a study Bible so it is a very useful resource.

prayer to You

2010-02-13T15:09:00.003-05:00

Sometimes there is only You. No one else to talk to.

I wonder...do You design times like this in our lives so that we-the ignorant, the unwise, and the incapable-will be left no other option, but to turn to You. Or are these times to be blamed on a lurking enemy seeking to destroy Yours. Or perhaps is it just our fault. We refuse to seek Your guidance in all things, go it alone and end up causing strife and confusion for everyone around us.

Whatever the case, it is frustrating. You once baffled men by causing them to not understand one another's language. I'm involved in the chaos of the Tower of Babel myself lately. I speak and no one knows what I'm saying. They speak and their words do not penetrate my heart. I'm standing in the rubble, alone, wondering what do I do now?

I only know the answer is--do not speak anymore, to anyone! My answer is full of errors as it encourages me to stay away, but I am Your rebellious child right now so I withdraw. I see the error of my ways, but I do not see errors in my thoughts lately, as others seem to, even those most intimate who spoke similar things when alone with me, but when confronted with speaking them before others refused to speak.

Anger has found a home in me and only You are left for me to hope in for a cure.

There is a hope. Just as You once confused languages, You also once allowed clarity to come in the midst of strange languages. When Your Holy Spirit arrived to mankind, languages were spoken by men who did not speak them by learning, but by miracle. And those around who spoke such languages from birth were amazed as they heard words about You spoken by the simple. You made the language make sense to those who needed to hear it. You are the only one who can do that.

I have tried to speak when you have given me words before, but for now I am quietly Yours, no more words.

ten years ago

2010-02-12T02:20:00.003-05:00

Our middle guy's journey into this world began with heart break for me. I knew that particular pregnancy was different very early on...much sicker, clothes tighter much sooner. I suspected there were two of them in there. The doctor asked about doing an ultrasound on my first check-up. Our last pregnancy had ended in miscarriage and he said oftentimes they like to have an ultrasound early on in the next pregnancy to make sure all is well. I knew that might be true, but I also knew he suspected two were in my womb also. He had already said my uterus was larger than it typically would be at that stage, but I didn't let on that I knew what he was trying to confirm.

He confirmed it...there were two. But Luke's little partner had not made it, only Luke's little heart was beating.

I did not cry in the doctor's office...so silly how we sometimes muffle the emotions so we don't make others uncomfortable or so others won't know our sorrow. Like wounded animals that run away to die, we carry our grief to a quiet place and then suffer alone.

Sometimes after Luke made his grand entry, I felt like the loss I still felt for the one who didn't make it overshadowed the love I felt for Luke. When the "twin" word was mentioned or if there were a set of twins Luke's age nearby, I felt bitterness or anger because my something special had been taken from me. After two years of having him, I realized I had concentrated more on my loss than the precious one I had gained.

My something special turned ten yesterday. My special one who cares so deeply for others and hurts more deeply sometimes too...he marked a decade of life. He knows about his twin. I shared that with him very early on. But I never told him how I felt I had failed him the first two years of his life while I was grieving, how I've tried to make up for those two years ever since by showering love and affection. A mother's heart can experience a deep repentance when she feels she has failed in some way.

That feeling of failure lingers. Occasionally, I catch a glimpse of him or hear him saying words that amaze me and I think how could I have ever dwelt on the lost one so much and not spent that energy relishing every sound he made or every facial expression he exhibited as a little baby.

He enthralls me. He reads constantly and shares facts with me...some that I've read myself as an adult, others that are news to me. He reminds me to pray for people he's heard about, people his heart is concerned about. He watches movies and sees messages in them that are filled with lessons from the Bible. He shares everything with his little brother. He cherishes friends. He loves people. He gave his life to Christ last year and has struggled through his own fight with his flesh even this young, learning to go his Lord's way instead of his own.

This weekend his big brother came home from a church youth trip with a new Bible. Jake had recently received a new Bible so he didn't need it. Luke wanted it so badly so yesterday for his birthday, big brother gave it to him with this inscription "Presented to Luke Rhoden by Jake Rhoden, From the brother that loves you. Keep Christ first."

So many times good moments are experienced in a family and you know it is simply God's blessing because you're just not worthy of the goodness in those moments and nothing you have done has made them happen, but He has set it in motion when little ones have let go of you the parent and grabbed hold of Another.

he's rebelling and I'm glad for it

2010-02-09T00:08:00.006-05:00

Genesis 25:29--"Now Jacob cooked a stew..."

Recent events have me somewhat unsure of how to proceed in areas of my life. Sometimes when you stop and analyze things a bit much, the picture just gets fuzzier. This has been a good time to set the burden down, refuse to look at it, and focus my attention in other directions.

Today the attention belonged to our big guy who made it back from a weekend away, a weekend centered around teaching and discussions of Scripture. He turned eighteen while gone, celebrating his birthday away from us. Eighteen sounds momentous, but we've always taught them all that chronological age means little if there is no growth in character. He has had growth in character.

As a two year old, his tantrums concerned me. As a four year old, his shyness kept him from others. As a six year old, he read poorly. As an eleven year old, his temper flared viciously. As a fourteen year old, he realized he needed Someone bigger than himself to help him through his problems. As a sixteen year old, he decided he would sign up for every missions trip he could go on. Now as an eighteen year old, he reaches me when others can't.

Tonight we sat on his bed while I prepared some of the school lessons that will finish his schooling by me. While I worked, he shared some of his favorite sermons by pastors who refuse to preach what is popular instead insisting on preaching the truth. He smiled at me at times when one of the speakers made a statement he knew I would appreciate. He told his dad and I about his new opportunities that have been offered to him. He talked about his next missions trip.

He is rebelling against the ways of the world. Somewhere along the way, he left our arms and walked boldly into Another's, deciding to follow the only One who will not fail him. Now he shares that faith with us...with me, at a time when I need it, but cannot receive it from anyone else. All this and he's learning to cook too...tonight he made venison stew.

There was another Jacob who cooked a stew once. His flaws were obvious and his character experienced growth through adversities also. He never became perfect, but he had a place in a plan designed by the same One who's made the plan for this Jake.

the pressure cooker

2010-02-05T12:44:00.004-05:00

Life hurts. Nothing really profound in that statement, just writing it based on recent events. I have a terrible tendency to hold things in and allow them to stew. It reminds me of my mom's early years with a pressure cooker. I don't know what she did wrong, but she would begin cooking something in her cooker and within thirty minutes we would hear the deafening sound of catastrophe in the kitchen. Our kitchen ceiling bore the marks of many cooker recipes that shot straight upwards through that little spout on top of the cooker.

That is me, the pressure cooker. We were taught to hold things in, not actually instructed to, but children learn by watching and experimenting. This is a lesson I wish I had avoided, but unfortunately I've carried it into my grown up years.

Of all my lacking in character, this is the one I don't want to pass to this precious bunch of five He's given me. I want them to live in freedom, speak freely without apprehension, speaking boldly what is right.

I am not so bold nor so free. My staying quiet over a period of time has consequences that are costly, consequences I bring on myself. Eventually the pressure intensifies to a degree that I spout off and leave marks, not on the kitchen ceiling, but on everyone who's in hearing distance. My regrets come when I realize I should have spoken to someone about the aggravation that was growing, but I didn't. My words are of no effect, but to confuse and disturb. My solution? I'm no hero, I plan to run in the opposite direction. Not in an effort to hide, but more in realization that I am poison to people and need not speak anymore or I'll spread more grief.

Lessons never stop in life. I stay too long in some places where I hope to belong eventually, places where I see others trying to belong too, but then they disappear without a word. As I enter their same abyss, I understand where they went...in search of the place where they do belong. Sometimes in the most well meaning of places people segregate themselves, others cannot force their way in so they walk. I had hoped to be stronger and always stay and hold a spot whether invited in or not, but I am not a strong one and my staying so long has been more out of protest than truly wanting to fellowship. So my guilt lands heavy on me now, guilt for wrong motives, staying for the wrong reasons and not being a vessel of love myself.

I am ever thankful that the "feeble" still have a place in His plan.

aggravation of futility

2010-02-02T08:30:00.004-05:00

I once visited a woman who was dying. She laid on her back for months unable to catch full breaths only able to get up once or twice a day for a few minutes each time. I would just stop by and read to her or talk to her for a while. She wanted to have the Bible read to her so that's what I did. After that, she wanted to talk even though that was difficult for her, but she had regrets that she wanted to share. I remember her regrets clearly.

She regretted not knowing the Bible better. When I first visited her, she asked me to read the 23rd Psalm and then she asked me where it was in the Bible. She didn't realize that it was found in exactly the place that it was named--the twenty-third Psalm. She also regretted not having done more for the LORD. She even wanted to volunteer right there in her last few days to do something for her church. She wanted to use the last bit of time she had for Him before she saw Him. Her regrets reminded me of Solomon's in Ecclesiastes.

Solomon had been king of Israel forty years. He accomplished every goal any person today could attain to be considered successful in the eyes of the world. He built the temple and homes for himself and others. He gained respect by those who knew of him because of his wisdom. He built relations between his country and others. He had more wealth than any other king of that time. In the eyes of mankind, he was the epitome of a success.

But as Solomon's body gave way to age, his own mortality loomed before his eyes and the finiteness of all he accomplished plagued his mind. "Vanity of vanities...all is vanity" (Ecc. 1:2).

The LORD told him early in his reign "if thou wilt walk before me, as David thy father walked...there shall not fail thee a man upon the throne of Israel" (I Kings 9:4,5). Solomon knew that though he accomplished all that the world considered great, his accomplishments meant nothing. He didn't walk with the LORD as his father had and now as he faced the eternal, the prospect of what may happen to the throne reminded him of what was most important, the thing he had not done...fearing the LORD and keeping His commandments.

I feel quite a bit like Solomon myself minus the great accomplishments, but including the frustration of realizing how much of my time has been wasted by not concentrating on simply fearing Him and keeping His commandments but instead paying heed to much of the traditions of mankind even in our churches.

Fearless--a book review

2010-01-22T23:18:00.002-05:00

Earlier this week, I received the book Fearless by Max Lucado from Thomas Nelson Publishing. The subtitle is Imagine Your Life Without Fear. The book has about 13 chapters covering fears that individuals can feel free to lay aside. The 14th chapter covers the only truly healthy fear, that being the fear of the Lord. After the final chapter, there is a discussion guide for each chapter which would be useful for using in group studies.

This was not a profoundly deep book, but it did cover basic fears that most people struggle with at one time or another. In the first two chapters, he covers fears that haunt us in our minds such as not mattering and disappointing God. He follows this with a chapter in which he offers tips as to how to stop worries from plaguing you. In the next couple of chapters, he discusses the fears common in raising children and many fears we easily succumb to when looking at the world around us. These fears include the anxiety we can experience when facing circumstances that overwhelm us, situations that can be the worst imaginable, even the anxiety caused by violence in the world and money concerns. The last few chapters deal with a fear of death, or the uncertainty of what is yet to come in life, and doubts about God's existence. Finally, he reaches the chapter I was hoping would be included. This chapter is about the only good fear--the fear of the Lord. He tells the importance of realizing that we cannot put God into our box. He is too great to contain, too awesome to understand, too amazing to explain. When all of our fear is wrapped up in acknowledging His greatness and His control of all things then all other fears become small.

Although I was not overwhelmingly affected by this book, it did include a thorough overview of fears that we need not waste our time on.

missing teeth and living free

2010-01-21T19:34:00.004-05:00

He is seven tomorrow. Ethan is our fourth arrow.

Seven years ago, on this day, the doctor told us that since the little fella wasn't cooperating in the womb we might want to consider a c-section. The date was up to us. We could wait a few days or come in that afternoon. It was January 22, 2003, the thirtieth anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. We decided to mark that occasion by welcoming a little life into the world. It was obvious he would be wild by the tangled mess he was, coming out of my body, cord wrapped around the neck and under the arms, purple little guy.

But he was fine.

His name fit him from the beginning. Ethan-meaning constant, firm, a lot like his dad. He's solid, never wavering. He always knows what he wants and is satisfied with just that. He doesn't require much to make him smile. He's good natured, wild, and retains information a lot like a computer, but that's not obvious unless someone tries to explain something, gets it wrong, and he simply offers the correct info.

A child who is so different from his mom. Not sensitive, no worries, just living freely. What a relief...he missed out on my idiosyncrasies.

Occasionally, he allows tender moments like when he's tucked in at night. He wants me to pray with him. Sometimes he wants someone to come and rest with him just for the company before he falls asleep.

He likes everyone, unless they are outright mean and then he'll walk away from them and boldly proclaim (to all) their bad behavior because he assumes everyone should know this stuff. His siblings are his best friends, especially Luke. They can sit and draw together or imagine they're Jedi's or just read books. He just knows that Luke is supposed to be there with him and when Luke's gone, something's wrong. He learned early on how to affect his big sister's heart by using big brown puppy dog eyes on her. He likes his little sister dearly too, but he only puts up with with so much and when she starts to be irrational...well, when anyone starts to act irrational around him, he walks away and refuses to deal with them anymore. But it's his biggest brother that he admires so much. Sometimes when he's gotten scared of something, he quietly approaches and asks if that big brother can rest with him for a while. Big brother has poured love into this little guy so much in the form of reading to him, building Lego toys for him, and tucking him in at night, the love Ethan has for him is just the harvest after many years of sowing by Jake.

I never really cry or feel sad as they get older. I always look forward to seeing what kind of grown up they will be. I take no pride in the people they are, for I and their dad had little to do with that. There is One who made them the way they are, we just get to love them, provide for them, teach them what we can, and then watch them go out in the world and make choices. Of course, I haven't had to let any of them leave our house yet so there may be some apprehension to come when all of that starts!

As for this birthday, little guy is seven and I'm celebrating him tonight!

sometimes a hug...

2010-01-18T03:30:00.004-05:00

Hugs are not my area of expertise. Honestly, hugging others does not come naturally for me. There are very few people who I just throw my arms around casually. There's one pastor and fewer than a handful of friends (usually ones I haven't seen in a while) who I just automatically grab and squeeze. Everyone else...it's a very conscious effort on my part to embrace them. I wouldn't even hug that one pastor except that love from him has continually splashed all over me (in spite of how well he knows me) so now when he approaches something weird happens inside and suddenly I'm a little child throwing myself into loving arms without reserve. I always like running into him.

Usually I'm just pretty much a popsicle, somewhat stiff and cold, not in my heart but all outward indications point to that. But sometimes a hug happens even unexpectedly, from someone you wouldn't usually hug and it's like for the moment He just put someone there for you to hold on to. Like if they weren't there to hold you up, you might collapse into a puddle of tears in the middle of the crowd of bodies. So you hang on and even have to tell the person "I'm going to have to stay here for a few minutes, I'm not ready to let go". So you stay there and maybe tears come and the person doesn't even know why you're hanging on so tightly. But they keep holding on to you with the same intensity as though that's what they're supposed to do. They have their reasons for hugging and you have your reasons for hanging on so intensely and He put it all together because He knows what we need.

as it pertains to me

2010-01-17T06:28:00.002-05:00

There was a little girl,
And she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
She was very, very good,
And when she was bad she was horrid.

(a poem sometimes attributed to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)

Okay, so it doesn't totally pertain to me. I have no curl.

I hope normalcy includes struggling inwardly regularly.

Trust me, what I'm about to say is not out of boasting, but more out of confession of knowing it not to be true. People credit me with being sweet.

Compliments say more about the kindness of those offering them, than those of whom they are speaking. I suppose as we age we realize that kind words come from encouraging mouths and are often not deserved, but more of an attempt to spur one not to give up.

Kind words toward me sometimes cause me to do a little reflecting. And the reflection is less than appealing. The closer I approach the mirror to see who I really am, the more apparent my flaws.

And still somehow He lavishes His blessings on the life of this little child of His.

The older I get the more I see my faults, but the more I see His blessings.

That's amazing grace.

how He feeds the 5000 (minus 4994)

2010-01-15T22:02:00.003-05:00

We are a group of six everyday. Dad goes to work and our little group lives together in the hours he's gone. Learning each other's ways and character, trying to learn how to tolerate one anothers quirks, how to show love, how to sacrifice for others.

We have all learned about sacrifice. When you share a small space with so many bodies, you must learn sacrifice. You must learn that you do not rule, that your way is not most important, that others matter. That you were not intended to have everything your flesh wants.

Sometimes I'm so thankful for having little material wealth. Having little provides opportunity to teach. They learn to rely on Him for what they need rather than ask Mom or Dad and it gives them opportunity to see Him answer them personally, just a child relating to his Creator. Having little offers many other lessons, too.

They also learn to share. This is huge in our group of six. Sharing is common practice around here...and He somehow manages to multiply our little fishes and loaves every time that happens.

I have splurged before on bringing home take out, but lately due to tightening of the money clip we've cut back on the take out. Today for our treat it was two foot long Subways, one small coke, two chocolate chip cookies and some chips. It fed all six of us which is odd considering the two teens usually down a foot long on their own. But they know about the "money clip", so no one complained about too little, instead there was thanks given for the treat. There was also "no, you can have it, I've had enough". They have learned to share.

Mind you, do not worry they are not starving...I oftentimes buy small treats and make them share to train them to take smaller portions and to train them to spend wisely. I want them to learn to buy groceries and make their own food instead of paying so much for someone else to do it for them. So our house is not suffering from food shortage.

Food shortage...reminds me of my Luke and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. What they learn so much of the time does not come from me or Dad. Sometimes after they have learned to talk to their true Father one on one, they come away with insight that He would give them. Luke did that today and all the food talk makes me think of it.
(This was a favorite book for me before it was a movie. Any mom who has to provide three meals a day for a few can appreciate the idea of food falling from the sky.)

He has watched the movie a couple of times and after getting out of the shower tonight, he came and told me about lessons he saw in the movie. He told me that in the movie the machine that makes food is like sin and the mayor is like the devil and Flint is like mankind. He said Flint started the mess by making the machine, but the mayor, although he doesn't like Flint, entices him to make more and more food until the machine is out of control and becomes dangerous. Luke saw a picture of man, sin, and the enemy. I see a boy bypassing his parents religion and relating to the One who loves him more than I can.

tired prayer

2010-01-12T09:53:00.003-05:00

Help me to see the picture. My day begins to be consumed with frustration. If I can just get them through breakfast, corral them all into one section of the house, and close the door, then I can have peace. My voice reverberates with aggravation towards them. Yet they have really done no wrong. They've just been enjoying a sluggish morning, as their mother has taught them to do many times. But today it bothers me and my annoyance shows with raised voice and ugly tone.

I'm wearing my selfish glasses today. I see the world (all four walls of mine) through eyes desirous to accomplish something other than what You've put before me. I need to see the picture.

The doors have now opened three times, three different individuals entering my sacred quiet I so eagerly wanted. Now I am really aggravated and tempted to lock the doors to keep them in "their" section of the house. There are days like this one when all the years of care for them feels like it has just landed on my shoulders all at once and the load is heavy. I cannot see the picture. I am just dealing with one stubborn puzzle piece that doesn't seem to fit today.

I tell myself I want something else as well as this life of guiding arrows, but I know inside the extra "I wants" would be as fulfilling as cotton candy in my mouth. There for an instant, leaving a false sense of satisfaction before disappearing and leaving me empty. I want the fullness You offer, but I am tired of the day to day. Help me to see the picture.

If I cannot be given a glimpse of it, then let me see the past, for that is completed. Let me see from where I was so many years ago to the completed picture to this point. Let me see the progress that was made by the day to day for all those years. Remind me how far into the completed picture I've already been brought. Bring me back to my beginning, let me see what You did through all those years when I maintained Your way and clung to You in the "desperate to do more" moments, let me see the void I started with and the fulfillment You have bestowed to this day. Let me see that picture.

enamored by history and not so much

2010-01-10T02:40:00.003-05:00

I have delved into history quite a lot lately. I have always found it interesting...people make choices, commit acts, and there it is...history, whether we want to make it or not doesn't matter. It's simply a recalling of events and events happen by our choices.

What is startling to me is my own history and the one I'm making daily.

Part of my history was determined by the choices of others. Now my choices are determining the history others will carry.

The startling part of that is I have never fully appreciated the history that was handed to me until recently. It has been a struggle to accept it as ordered by Him, Him putting me right where He wanted me. Now, however, looking back and seeing the pieces fit, I'm often amazed by how He laid the plans out and consummated them. I can see the jigsaw starting to form an actual picture.

The other startling part is, of course, my own history making...or simply my choices I make that affect everyone around me. This startles me in a much less exciting way, for the other history that was bestowed on me I had no say in, but this one is all about what I will do. Mind you, I am a terribly imperfect person who struggles constantly. That is where my concern lies. In me. I am capable of creating messes so having such power to affect others' lives leaves me feeling a little cowardly...like I would prefer He just made me robotic so all would be safe and I would simply follow protocol. But no He created me this way (all of us, of course, but I'm the one I have to worry about!)...this thinking, struggling, battling, choosing, sometimes not-so-determined person. I hope my faith in Him is stronger than my concern in me for that is my only rescue.

The simplest of faith in Him brings even the weakest person through difficulties. Faith being the "substance of things hoped for" and "the evidence of things not seen" will determine the choices made, the action taken...the history of a person.

Deuteronomy 30:19--"...I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live."

tonight's score 32-63, victory can be found in loss

2010-01-05T22:34:00.006-05:00

When talent is sidelined maybe it's because character needs to be the focal point.

It's painful to watch him sit on the bench especially as he watches the huge gap developing between their scores and I know what he's thinking. He knows he's powerless to make it change. Yet he stays there saying encouraging words to the other players, handing out tips on strategies, cheering them on.

His physical abilities on the court were disabled in his first game. Running down the court, full speed, total control, ball in hand...just as he closed in on the basket, he fell to the court, on his back, writhing in pain, groping for his knee, he actually cried. He's seventeen, over six foot two and, yes, he cried. I've heard a dislocated knee could make a grown man cry, so when I saw him down, I knew it had to have happened.

The hope has been that the knee will heal and he'll be playing again soon, but it's been a few weeks already and tonight in his first game back, that knee popped out again. As I sat watching him on the sideline, I realized maybe this is the plan. There may be something wrong with the knee, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the plan.

Sometimes when we excel in something, there's greater victory when we have to sit quietly out of it, allowing others to participate while we play a supportive role. Sometimes He is seen best in us when we aren't the spotlight, but our faith and steadfast hope showcases character that encourages others.

When we're willing to not be noticed, not seek appreciation, not glory in our victories, but be steadfast in the position He places us in, then He has a useful piece of clay that's ready to be molded into exactly the design He chooses. Maybe that's what people need to see, not us at our best-talented and shining, but us without our "glory" and how we handle it...can we handle it? If we pass through that valley willing to not only let others have the spotlight, but also encouraging them loudly, we are saying to the world that our faith does not rest in our talents. Our faith is firmly placed in Him.

"And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it."--Jeremiah 18:4

As we got in the truck tonight after the game, I hadn't shared my thoughts with him, but he looked at me and said, "I kind of wonder if God didn't just put me on the team, not to play, but maybe just to encourage the others"...victory

Redefining Beautiful--Book Review

2010-01-05T05:04:00.003-05:00

My most recent book I received from Thomas Nelson Publishing is Redefining Beautiful by Jenna Lucado. This book geared for young girls through their teens strives to help them understand beauty, not the worlds version, but natural beauty outside and most importantly inside.

After just skimming the book, I hesitated to think there would be anything of depth simply because I found catch words like "self esteem" and began to think it may just be a book aiming to build one's self image. However, afterwards, I read it through and found that although it did include some of that, it also goes above and beyond to draw young girls to seeing the LORD as the One who loves them more than any other can and points them to remembering that He created them uniquely and for a purpose.

Throughout the book, the author gives much practical advice on growing as a girl. It includes information about makeup, hair, clothing styles, boys, but it also counteracts all of that with paying attention to some heart matters also. That is what keeps it from being a fluff book that centers attention only on the outward appearance as many secular teen books do.

This would actually be a good book for a young girl who may tend to give ear to the world's version of beautiful. It could certainly help put her on the right track as far as how consumed she gets with the outward appearance. She would see how perfectly imperfect and original He made us all and how that is to be celebrated. She would also learn not to measure herself by the worlds standards and learn a much better and more thorough definition of the word beautiful.

going on a tangent from a book review

2010-01-04T02:56:00.002-05:00

My latest book review has me pondering some things. The comparison of Solomon and Christ was being made in this book. The author, basically, made the point that wisdom alone does not ensure a life lived right as Solomon certainly had the wisdom, yet failed in his devotion to the LORD. Christ, however, had all wisdom and also lived the perfect life regardless of the temptations.

Sometimes I wonder which one I aim for--having wisdom or living it.

The last couple of years, I have felt so defiant towards religion, in the sense of mankind's rules of how to live a Christian life based on the outward appearance. I have gotten aggravated with the concept of limiting worship to church attendance, paying tithes, and volunteering when needed. The idea that many see Christians as those who insist on people following rules angered me. I can't say that I blame those who mock Christianity when sometimes what they are shown as examples of believers is contrary to how Christ Himself ever lived. Besides those who mock are the lost, the blind, they're the ones who can't see clearly to begin with and then the picture is blurred all the more by many wearing Christ's name, but not displaying His character.

This last year, He has brought me to the lower depths of my own judgements though. While I riled inside against legalism, He allowed circumstances that would open my eyes to my own religious dependencies and brought me to a place of confrontation. Confronting two choices, one of which must be chosen if I was to abandon legalism, the choices being walk away from Him or live for Him in spirit and in truth.

Suddenly the Scripture in Ezekiel became hard to bear personally...the passage about the hole in the wall, chapter 8 verse 12 "...hast thou seen what the ancients...do in the dark, every man in the chambers of his imagery? For they say 'The LORD seeth us not'..." My choice could not include me leaving Him for I know Him to be Truth, but the option of shedding all religion and pride of that religion and replacing it with opening up every crevice of my heart, my thoughts, my desires and forsaking them, realizing they are not mine but He gets even them, that option has been most difficult for me.

My mind never stops so I constantly find myself going to places that show evidence of me not truly trusting Him. My heart is pretty weak so it can often be pulled in a polar direction from Him. My will has stayed the course, but this has been a most difficult challenge. This is why I understand that having wisdom and living it are totally different.

There is a reason for the writing. Write words. It prompts the mind to ponder what is deep in the heart that we're unaware needs to surface. It's the surfacing that's painful. Acknowledgement of what is really inside of the sometimes ugliness that we are really capable of, sinfulness that lives behind the wall, that is not hidden from Him.

Stand---Book Review

2010-01-03T23:37:00.003-05:00

I received the book Stand-Unleashing the Wisdom of God, a discovery of Proverbs from Tyndale House Publishers a while back. It's a Focus on the Family Resource written by Alex McFarland.

This book is a brief overview of the book of Proverbs. I actually gave it to my son as part of his reading for devotions. It's appropriate for teenagers and up. It's a rather compact book, but the information covering this Bible book is thorough.

The Introduction explains a little about Solomon, who is credited with the book of Proverbs. The author describes who Solomon was, what he did, etc., but best of all is the comparison of Solomon and Jesus. He points out that although Solomon's wisdom was great, his choices in life didn't line up with what he said. However, Jesus not only preached wisdom, but He also lived it.

In the first chapter, there is valuable background information on the book of Proverbs. Information that explains facts about Proverbs, the importance of God's words, terminology used in the Proverbs, and why Proverbs is included in the Bible. From there we enter the Proverbs themselves, starting with the explanation of wisdom and moving through the chapters of the book. For parents offering this to their teens, they should be aware that there is a chapter dedicated to the topic of sex. It is very straight forward with the information presented in this chapter and although it is biblical, parents should read this beforehand to make sure they are ready to pass this to their teens so they can discuss this together.

Overall, this book impressed me with its content. There is no wasted space, just a valuable brief overview that will help anyone reading through Proverbs.

sometimes what they see...

2009-12-29T08:53:00.005-05:00

On two occasions in one day, our six year old threw up. Both times we had a trash can handy, but the first time for some reason he threw up right beside the can directly on the carpet. The next time he didn't even make it to an upright position, it landed all over him. When he finally felt well enough to join the rest of us in the living room, we, of course, carried in the "unused" trash can and he pointed out our silliness by saying "You don't really need to bring that in here, I never make it in there anyway". He was obviously paying attention to the situation better than we were.

They are always so observant. Sometimes I wish they weren't. Sometimes what I model for them is less than pleasant. When my mind consumes itself with matters in this world rather than Him, I get ugly. They see it. Then, they're infected, too. There are times when my reaction to them is too harsh. Actually, I would require a much greater transgression by a stranger before I would react in such a way, but with the ones who are dear to me I get an attitude. I teach by how I live and I'm still struggling to be a doer instead of just a reader of His words.

But there are bright moments of hope. Moments that show me His mercy for not allowing the poison I pass to seep into them or His grace for covering my shortcomings with some goodness from Him. These moments come when one of these little or big ones recalls a memory of something we do in this family, something having to do with Him. They speak of such things as though it is standard practice around here and yet it may be something we feel we have failed at.

Lily prompted one of these moments of hope recently. She is one and a half, so obviously still a baby-sort, but she has been watching keenly. One morning, when only she and I were awake, I walked to the living room, telling her, "Mama's going to read her Bible". She immediately ran to the living room, pointed to the shelf, and said her version of the word "book" and "my". She wanted her prayer journal book off the shelf. She relates that to prayer and the Bible, and I must say it's amazing that she makes that connection.

We have been slack in keeping up with these journals. The idea for them came from another blog (A Holy Experience) and we started them with much excitement taking a Psalm at a time. It's just we hit them only periodically. We have failed in our plans to make this a routine. Yet this baby knows when the Bible comes out, there's a special book that we write in. She's learning a practice that holds a spot in her memory...a practice that says this Bible is a special book, it's so good that you takes notes. Even when our consistency suffers, she still remembers.

He takes the little we offer and blesses it. That is His grace showering this family.

As parents, we lack in so many areas. Some of the kinks in our parenting will still be there when all these arrows leave our house. We just keep reminding all of them that we're still growing in Him too...we're still learning. They tend to be pretty forgiving with us.

Sometimes, from my vantage point, I'm sure we're failing, but then He shows me that He helps them see what I don't even see.

i ate my manna on the go

2009-12-28T23:32:00.003-05:00

I have lived a life full of lists written on any scrap of paper I can find. Lists for items needed, menus for the week, chores to conquer, school assignments to plan, books to read...My plans always exceed reality.

I want so desperately to accomplish much while I'm still here, but up till now my plan of attack for all those lists has led to falling short. My goal in the last year or so has been to replace my "way" of scheduling with what I know is His way of scheduling.

There are many things, for example, in schooling my children, of which I have let go over the years because traditional teaching includes certain subjects that must be covered or professionals insist there are certain concepts children must be taught. So in order to cover these things, I fore go the most valuable. I sacrifice the precious to give them the typical.

Our daily Bible reading aloud and journal entries about that reading has become less frequent. Our nature walks with nature journals, obsolete, this year. Our reading classics aloud as a family, optional and rare. We still do many things of great value as a family, but I have set aside many of the most beneficial opportunities for growth of their minds in order to gain the right to fill out a transcript and give a "credit". I suddenly want to flush all the credits and refuse to even consider schooling in a traditional method.

I want them to be like Daniel and his friends, refusing to eat the king's meat and drink, then after a period of time proving that following God's way not the way of man shows them more excellent...because God's touch surpasses any man-made way.

I give the example of school, but this is what I struggle with in me too. I wake up and even as a mom who spends every day with these arrow kids, I let go of what is most important for me also. My thoughts are centered around the mundane, while I let the precious go. I read a quick devotion or nibble a few scriptures before beginning the great tasks that I "need" to accomplish. What if I actually refused to participate in mankind's version of how to be the best home school mom and instead thought on Him for hours during the day? What if I let Him lead my moments one by one each day? What if I trusted Him that much? What if I feasted on the manna He gives me everyday instead of grabbing a little here and there and trying to hoard some for later when I am short on time?

I know what the result would be.

Daniel 1:20--"And in all matters of wisdom and understanding about which the king examined them, he found them ten times better than all..."

i hear hope

2009-12-24T10:30:00.004-05:00

Sounds of the season infiltrate this little spot on earth.

Little wildflower Lily who proclaims, each time I say "look at the angel",..."Mama". This has been a special sound to hear this season, her confusing my name with every angelic being on display. My name is actually Angela, but for some reason, when still a baby, my father called me Angel and it stuck. Now these years later, Lily sees angels and thinks Mama.

Teenage Em calling to her little brothers to come lick the bowls. She's been sequestered in the kitchen for major help in preparing goodies for many we love. Strange place for this girl, as I've not spent the time I should have teaching her the way around a kitchen. Still, when left with no choice but to bake, she has enjoyed it and shared the yum with the little guys.

Luke, the middle, reading to his Papa the 23rd Psalm just yesterday. This little man whose heart is so drawn to the One who created Him reaching out to a big man whose heart, Luke hopes, to see drawn to the Same. A soft tender heart consistently praying prayers for a man he loves.

The teenage guy sitting across from me yesterday munching Chinese carrying the conversation. And today finally asking questions about a genealogy that has consumed many of my hours lately. Finally, he speaks and I listen.

Ethan repeatedly "when can I do something for Jake for Christmas?" He loves the one who towers over him. He wants to glue himself to Jake and stay there. He knows good people when he sees them.

You delivered Hope that day. I experience Your hope when I hear their sounds of the season. Hearts leaning toward You that is what I hope for them.

i'm a shepherd...so are you

2009-12-20T14:09:00.009-05:00

Luke 2:8--"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field,..."

They were watching, keeping, protecting the flock as was their duty. He chose to proclaim the most exciting news of any age to them. What better backdrop for a cantata of heavenly hosts than the infinite space of the night time sky, lighting it up with the brilliance of His messengers! They were in the perfect spot for the introduction of the long awaited One.

Some say He appeared to lowly shepherds to show that He accepts all, even the lowliest. But I wonder? Maybe He chose them to show that there is none higher. He is no respecter of persons, all are equal before Him.

Man establishes social statuses. Social hierarchy exists in our schools, our communities, our government, and, yes, in our churches. But that is not from Him. There may be those who offer less, accomplish less, voice less, and acquire less, but there are not any who are less. Standing before Him, our measure is the same...we are condemned without His grace or we are saved by it.

In a world where pride would be at enmity with God, where pride would destroy and separate us from Him, the first guests invited to come see Him had to come lowly. He calls us to rid ourselves of our desires for prominence, accolades, even our desires to be wanted. He calls us to accept a spot in the low places, walk humbly, be servants, esteem others higher than ourselves. He knows the magnetic effect of pride for the weak human heart and He wants to deter us from the devastation it causes. No wonder His humble entrance.

Shepherds were the unaccepted, unacknowledged, unwanted, but did He announce the great news first to them to show His acceptance of the lowly or to remind us that we are all lowly and He chooses us anyway? Love is most powerful when it accepts someone at their worst. When one receives that kind of love, they know it is real. That is a life changing kind of love and in the changed life He is seen and He receives glory. Glory rightly assigned.

He came to all of us, but we must meet Him in our lowly state just as they did that night.

Luke 2:17 & 20--"And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child...And the shepherds returned glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them."

they can't possibly know my thoughts toward them

2009-12-19T10:55:00.002-05:00

Luke 2:14--"...on earth peace, good will toward men."

Often my mind thinks on them, but they don't know. Little one lying on the couch nursing stuffy nose and aching body. High school man, my biggest (human) help, working on computer. Teenage girl driving into town with her biggest fan, her dad. Little wildflower girl, along for the ride. Then there's the most sensitive fella writing out a card for his sis. All involved in their own activities, thoughts on things that are important to them at the moment. They can't know how often I think of them and how I hope for them. They do not know how eager I am for them to live fully and enjoy people around them. They can't know how I hope they avoid evils that would sidetrack them from the good they can experience. They know of my love because they've tasted it, but they cannot know the depths of my thoughts, love, hopes...
How could they ever know except they continue the life circle and have some of their own who stay on their minds?
This makes it so real for me. The purpose of the lights, trees, carols, all the celebration. How can I know how great His love and His thoughts are toward me? I am involved in what is important to me at this moment. My little revolving world. I know Him as my children know me, but never could I know the full extent of His thoughts toward me. Sometimes the extraordinary event that took place two thousand years ago becomes commonplace in my mind. Phrases repeated year after year, messages heard many times, Christmas plays, songs...I am a shallow person who allows the depth to bounce off my heart at times because I absorb myself in routine and leave little time to celebrate what is sacred.
But He delivers His message to me through these children because He causes my heart to ache for them, long for good for them, strive to lead them in the right way, sacrifice my own way for them...sacrifice...
That makes it real for me. I am simple me and I want all good for them. He is who He is. How much greater is His love and His desire for good for me. I cannot fully taste it as these little ones cannot fully grasp my feelings for them. They fight against my goodwill for them, I fight against His goodwill for me. I do not give up on them, He does not give up on me. They keep learning to trust me, I keep learning to trust Him. They get closer to me, I get closer to Him.
If there are no gifts, no decorations, no plays, no parties, then all is well because there is Him. He does not change, His love never stops, He is. And that makes Christmas what it is...my celebration of Him loving me...for a simple child like me, it doesn't get better than that because I've tasted love from the viewpoint of a mama.

Luke 2:19--"...Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart..."

no room for him

2009-12-17T20:41:00.003-05:00

Over the years, some have actually felt sorry for our little ones around this time of year. I'll never forget the time some visiting relatives asked our, at the time, three year old son if he was excited about Santa coming. Little guy just told them Santa isn't real and kept playing. He must have surprised them because they seemed to be speechless. We understood early on that some would think it sad that we would skip the fun charade of the jolly old elf. Fortunately, He taught us early that our parenting wouldn't be shaped by the opinions of others.

There is no hostility towards St. Nick in our home. We even have a Santa ornament on our tree, he is reverently kneeling before the Christ child. And we have read the poem "Twas the Night Before Christmas" aloud to the kids. But we knew when the Christmas season approached, time followed the same rules that it did throughout the rest of the year...there's only so much of it allotted to each day. We are not such an organized team that we could fit in a celebration of the One who brought hope along with milk and cookies, reindeer hoof prints, and sitting on a strangers lap asking for gifts. Plus, we wanted our children to learn to be grateful early in life. How could they be thankful to us and their Provider if we gave credit to the imaginary? When we weighed our options of how we would celebrate the season, the Hope Bringer won easily. If we would only have time to celebrate one, it would be Him.

We have never regretted that choice. There has been no void of what is special and memorable. Santa has never been missed. Our schedules at this Yuletide are full and we've had no room for him. The Hope Bringer has deserved all the attention. He has delivered hope to us continuously. We just want to plant in these growing hearts an ever increasing celebration of the anticipation of the One who delivered hope to all. He is worth it.

Luke 2:10,11---"...for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour..."

shedding skin

2009-12-15T15:25:00.003-05:00

You have made it a part of nature

shedding what is old, allowing new growth.

Creeping serpents and crawling lizards leave their skin behind

revealing growth beneath,

growth that has been in the process,

but has been unseen.

It can't be seen until the old is removed.

Removal of the old takes a while.

It does not just simply fall off.

A lizard must rub her head and body against rough surfaces

to help the molting along.

I feel slightly familiar with the process.

Rubbing off what is no good, wrestling to be released

from what keeps the newly grown me from appearing,

struggling between the rough and difficult places,

hope urging me to keep on with the struggle

for there is something good waiting.

The lizard sheds her skin, showing a shining, smooth outer self.

I shed mine, not for what shows on the outside,

but to reveal Your continued work on the inside.

A little message from You to me, saying You do not give up on me.

Reminding me that You are the One I must rely on,

You are the One I must present myself to,

You are the One I stand before.

If I were only to present myself to all my equals,

the fellow pilgrims on this earth,

the molting would not seem so tough.

They can only see so much of me.

Surely I could attain man's measure of goodness.

But before You I am fully exposed.

Those quiet dark places inside that want to refuse to grow and change,

You light those places, allowing me to see them for what they are,

inhibitors to my growth.

You offer me real growth so You can show Yourself in this little mortal,

and I hold tight to You because molting happens more than once in a life.

the blessings of hardships

2009-12-12T06:45:00.003-05:00

I can't help but cringe a little at this time of the year. My ears are bombarded with pleas to give...unwrapped toys, gifts valued at a certain amount, money to help purchase gifts for those without. Am I wrong in my gut feeling here that we tend to try to soothe the hurts and emptiness of the needy with things?

We are among those who do not have quite as much cash flow as before. We have spread the word to extended family that we can't quite afford all those gifts we once gave, much to the relief of the extended family (because they can't either). So this year we've agreed to make goodies for each other's families. It's something simple, but it also means we're putting much thought into something special for their particular tastes. No smacking a credit card on a counter so there's something wrapped and under the tree for each one. Not this year, the lack of funds provides us with a rare treat...relief of the pressure to give the perfect manufactured gift and instead the time we will enjoy baking and cooking together while we taste test and package the perfect treats that we know are "his" or "her" favorite.

Our gift giving for our little ones looks a little different this year too. No expensive electronics, or latest gadgets, no lists. I've never enjoyed the idea of a list anyway. When I was younger, a gift meant something given because someone was thinking about you not something someone gave because you told them what you wanted. Yet somewhere along the way even I gave in to the gift list and I allowed our kids to give me one...before. Before this blessed year came along, that is. This year in which we are blessed with an opportunity that has before been hidden by an abundance of "things". It is a great place to be...the place of having little. Why do we try to mess that up for people by assuming the way to show them love is by bombarding them with material possessions. Material possessions aren't great conduits for love, but having to be creative in expressing love provides just that.

We drew names amongst the seven immediate family members this year. Having a handful of kids, we didn't want them to all be trying to buy for seven different people so drawing one name seemed a good solution. The results made me even more thankful for hard times. Everyone looked to see who they received, only Lily, our little wildflower, received her own name so I quickly exchanged with her. Oldest boy got youngest boy; youngest boy got mom; mom got the wildflower; wildflower got dad; dad got oldest boy. But wait...there were two more. Amazing the two that were left. Most of the time in this simple family there is peace, but when there isn't, probably 80% of those times, there are two little people in this family dealing with friction of such magnitude that I search for opportunities for them to show love to one another...they were the only two who drew each others names. Blessings sometimes are hiding out in the hardships if we just allow the hardships to happen instead of always trying to prevent them for people.

Philippians 4:11--"...for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."

the agonizing wait

2009-12-07T22:10:00.004-05:00

Over the years, teaching the little ones to read has been a great challenge in character for me. Impatience lives in my bones and sometimes I'm sure that's one reason He gave us our handful of arrows. Patience is forced upon the person who must sit down with a child who tediously sounds out every vowel and consonant, a couple of times, and then repeats the sounds to try to form some semblance of a word they recognize. When this goes on for word after word, sentence after sentence, a person either comes unglued and frustrates themselves and the child or that person learns to sit quietly, giving up their own desires for a chunk of time. They learn to wait.

Moving to a small town can have the same effect...learning to wait. When we moved to this area, I was given a precious gift by an individual in the Wal Mart store one day. As she assisted me, our conversation revealed that I was new to the area. That's when she gave me her gift...priceless information. She told me that the people in this county are the kindest you can find, but it would take ten years before they would accept me. And then she said it would take another ten years before this place would feel like it was really my home. I had only lived here for a few months and had already experienced a huge let down.

For years before we moved here, I had been so excited to meet the people my husband had told me about. I had never really had a hometown before so this was going to be my spot. Along with my anticipation of having a hometown came my plans for getting to know everyone. I failed to take into consideration that my anticipation was only mine and not shared with all those people I planned to get acquainted with. By the time I met that woman in Wal Mart, I had come to realize that no one out here had been eagerly awaiting my arrival. People out here had their lives and their friendships established. I appeared to not really be needed. That was my let down.

So when I received my gift of information that day, life changed and I began to learn to wait. She was right. The kindest people you could meet, ten years before you're accepted...it's going on twelve years out here and just recently I've had moments when it feels like I belong here. I suppose it's becoming home now.

Waiting can be agonizing, but when someone shows you the hope for what is to come, waiting is certainly bearable. Whether sitting thirty minutes waiting for a child to sound out each syllable knowing one day he'll read fluently because of this or living each day of ten years knowing time around people will establish you as part of the community, whatever the wait, hope sustains.

If He didn't allow the agony of the wait, I fear I may not have depended on Him as much. He is very good to me that way...giving me what I need to keep me close to Him.

Isaiah 40:31--"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

the cowardly lion in me

2009-12-06T01:46:00.002-05:00

One day I want to be tough. Sometimes the weakness in me causes an intense pain in the inward parts. The kind of pain that allows tears to flow when it doesn't make sense to cry. Logic screams to me "this is not cry-worthy" or "this doesn't bother anyone else" or maybe "why do you take things so seriously?" But the "weak me" is actually stronger than any logic and I succumb to the torture my mind will put me through.

I had anticipated this day all week. Open House at our local Historical Society. I've been spending much time there lately working on a genealogy. This is an incredible place, the building itself will turn 100 years old next year. But it's the material living on the shelves that is really the draw for me. I enjoy every moment I spend there.

I did have slight trepidation in going today. I recently voiced opinions that could offend some there. So I've been on tiptoes lately when I approach the door. But today was THE day. The day when many would be there...my opportunity to be friendly in an effort to show that my opinion doesn't equal hostility.

As I entered, a familiar friendly face was there to my delight. But my delight ended right when it began because the next moment I entered a room with about four people I don't know. That's all it took to topple my intentions of showing friendship. I was through that room and into the hallway, heading upstairs to spend a few hours alone with historical books. Ignoring kind invitations to come back. Put simply--I was rude. My discomfort with people came out and I was rude. I gave in to fear...again.

I tend to have to relearn this lesson often--Fear nothing, but the LORD. When I have HIM at the center of my thoughts, nothing scares me, no fear of people, nothing. But when I'm at the center of my thoughts, I have days like this!

If I would just get my thoughts right or "take them captive", then "weak me" wouldn't be so powerful right now.

Proverbs 14:26--"In the fear of the LORD is strong confidence..."

they take it so seriously...I need some of that

2009-12-01T20:23:00.003-05:00

I promise I am aware that the five arrows in this home have no monopoly in being special. All children are brilliant in one way or another with promise of something great, but it's up to the adults around them to see it. The ones He has put here bombard me with moments which cause me to see it often, but they also unknowingly offer me lessons from Him.

Today little six year old guy replayed a scene I enjoy. He entered Grandma's house while playing with his nine year old brother, mouthing something, no noise coming out, just those little lips shaping words that couldn't be heard. I knew immediately to speak one word to solve his speechless problem. "Ethan," I said and with that he smiled and ran back outside.

His older brother had jinxed him. He does it often. He's rather strategic with it. He entices little guy to repeat a phrase with him as though it's a cheer or a chant and when he sees he's following his lead, he makes sure they say it simultaneously and then he attacks with "jinx on you" rendering little guy speechless. The funny part is that little guy always abides by the rules and stays quiet until someone "frees" him by speaking his name.

They live honoring each other in this strange way. They listen to words spoken by a sibling and it means something to them. They take it seriously.

Once the two olders were playing with invisible cars, yes, invisible. The oldest snatched his sister's "car" and she cried for quite a while until she got it back. Yes, by invisible I mean it didn't really exist, but it didn't matter. He said he had it and she listened to his words.

I am drawn to this peculiar respect they have for one another because I struggle to have such a high regard for the words of others. I often question the sincerity of words. Of course, when one questions anothers words usually they do not heed them. This becomes a danger zone for me when the words are those of the One who loves me most. My determination to fully follow Him begins to wane simply because His words become faint when I do not take them as seriously as I once did. I find myself looking at the physical, the world around me, the visible that distracts and entices. So one of the google reasons He placed these little ones here is to model trusting anothers words. They do this well and I, the child of His who's still learning, I am grateful for the lesson.

Deuteronomy 8:3--"...but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the LORD doth man live."

how they love me so well

2009-11-30T05:45:00.005-05:00

I am not a great mother. I didn't grow up learning how to care for children and a home. The fact that this family resembles a family and this home doesn't cave in due to dust bunnies and debris is simply amazing. Somewhere along the way when we gave birth to the first fellow something just clicked in this mind..."he's important and he deserves something good from me" and the thoughts were repeated with each addition to the family. The idea of being there for them everyday wasn't something I learned, it was just logical to do that.

Little child put in my arms by a doctor, making funny noises, crying and making me cry because I don't know what to do...Each one was different so we never really had anything figured out. With each different personality came a different technique for dealing with those personalities. I knew early on of my desperate need for His help. He has been faithful for if you look at us from a distance we manage to resemble a family and if you come closer, you can see the love.

They have been shown love for years now and now they leave trails of it for us, like a flower girl dropping flower petals down an aisle. It's just who they are, and what's been pumped in coming out as a fountain...and right now Dad and I are the basins that catch most of that love.

They're far from sinless...actually terribly flawed like their parents, but they know how to love. Oldest girl knows how a Josh Groban song can be soothing for her mama, so while listening to Christmas music lately when his voice comes, she turns it up, not for her, for she doesn't like that, but for me...that's one way she loves. Little guy, when asked to bring me a blanket the other night, comes back with "here, I brought your special one", it was the one Oldest boy brought back from Honduras and it is special. They all love very well.

Most people who've received love tend to pour it back out. Do we take time to see it though? It takes watching them to really recognize that what they're doing is loving us. Sometimes love can easily be overlooked. A sweet act of love can be interpreted as simply what someone owes us and over years, as the love gifts are not valued, those precious ones may cease in the giving. Who wants to keep giving what is not appreciated? Well, there is One. He does that well to me for I have shown little acknowledgement to His great gifts of Love on many occasions, but He keeps giving.

I may have to make a caution sign for myself...a reminder to slow down and look for the love expressed, not just from them, but from Him too.

I don't relish their pain, but I want them to suffer

2009-11-24T10:18:00.003-05:00

Today has been declared a holiday by oldest girl. Don't think her awful, but she's celebrating the departure of her younger siblings, all three of whom have taken off to Georgia with their grandma to visit their great-grandma. Oldest girl really does love them...she shows it often with her actions around here, but she delights in moments when she and big brother are the only two. So she makes chocolate chip pancakes this morning while playing music which livens her like coffee does others.

I enjoy these times, but some of the other times we've seen lately are the ones I know they need too. The times of pain, discomfort, sorrow...the times we don't celebrate, but dread.

Mankind has a tonic for every situation that offers the slightest of negative emotions. If one feels uncomfortable around people, if sadness is too intense, if disappointment comes...there seems to always be a man-solution for it. We surround people who are suffering sometimes when they need to experience the loneliness so they will call on a Father who is the company they can rely on much more than us. We give pills that allow a numbing so they won't feel sorrow when they need to face the sorrow so they can see a Father who brings them through what seems so unbearable. We offer substances that will bring one a sensation of ease when usually they would feel fear, a fear that could motivate them to ask of One who gives courage.

We offer answers according to our limited understanding sometimes out of affection for those we love, but our answers lead to people relying on people.

I want these small people He has put in this home to learn to rely on One who is not limited. My help will come to an end quickly, my band aids for their hurts will not cure, but if they are allowed to suffer, they will find the Source for all healing. Healing that is not artificial and temporary, but healing that is real and eternal.

What do I do then? I learn to stand aside and not get involved in every situation. I learn to pray. Help when I can do something, but then walk away and let them suffer so that they will call on Him...more than a help, one who can salvage, make new, bring joy, give courage, change, and grow them.

2 Timothy 1:8,9 & 12--"...but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace...For this reason I also suffer these things nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able..."

my quiet time of looking through the window

2009-11-16T15:01:00.005-05:00

Anyone who has peeked into this blog as of yet realizes by now there is no great wisdom pouring out from it, just words conceived by a life lived imperfectly, but desperately clinging to what is stable...Him.
At this time in life, I freely admit I am parched, dry as a dead, brown fallen leaf in autumn. When I am in church, sometimes one of the pastors may make a statement like "if you're not feeling something here right now, then something's wrong with you" and I realize there might just be something wrong with me, for I feel nothing much. I go to church and watch as it looks like wonderful things are taking place, but I know I'm not part of it. It's like I'm on the outside of great things He's doing, just watching, being a spectator, seeing Him working in others, but I remain unaffected. There is no great trial that has presented itself just this person being distracted by things that happen in life instead of staying focused on the One who gave it. But even in this desert place, I see His workings. And though I feel nothing, I cannot be swayed to doubt Him because evidence of Him is all about and obvious.
It's like the wind. When I'm outside and the wind passes by, I cannot see it, but it's evident as it whistles through my hair. But sometimes, I'm inside where it cannot touch me and I cannot feel it, but I still see it's effects as trees sway back and forth.
Today, looking out the window, hardly any sign of movement in the trees has been seen. Just a simple dead stillness, which is kind of how I'm feeling, but back behind our house, just over a little hill, is a very thin pine tree permanently leaning to the side. It was permanently tilted a few years back when a tropical storm blew through. It stands as evidence that the wind has been here, so I know it was real and more than likely will be back. It's just that today's a quiet day.
So in my quiet days of right now, when I'm feeling nothing, I have searched the landscape and seen many things in this life which have been permanently altered thanks to the only One who could have done that. Even in the stillness, what He has already done stands as a witness to me.

John 3:8--"The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

allowing the hurt

2009-11-05T03:59:00.002-05:00

By the time I had my fifth child, I had read a variety of info about labor and how best to get through it. There was one thing that helped a great deal with labor for me. One bit of simple advice. Don't fight the pain, just allow it. I tend to be very tense naturally so when pain comes, my whole body fights it. I practiced "just allowing it" and to my surprise it worked. No tension of fighting the pain, but just relaxing the body and letting the pain come, since it was coming whether I welcomed it or not! I made it farther along with no meds in labor when I practiced that than when bracing myself, tensing up and gritting teeth. I guess I should do the same in all aspects of life.

There are certainly labor pains in life when poor choices give birth to consequences. I think there are stretch marks too, those would be the creases across my forehead. Sometimes in the living I fail to stop and ask for direction from the One who loves me most. I do that "leaning unto my own understanding" thing and end up in the mire. Shortly after that, the contractions begin. For the most part in the past, I have anguished as the pain comes. Asking questions of why and pleading for the situation to be fixed. Now, however, due to my great resume, which shows my extensive list of achievements in the area of causing problems for myself, I am learning the same solution I learned through childbirth...just allow the pain. Allow the pain because it is a natural result of doing things my way. Yes, there are tears and prayers from a low hanging head, but not as many questions of why or pleading for an answer, more just enduring and reminding myself "next time ask Him how to handle the situation so you don't end up here again". I just do the next thing as I allow the pain. Although I'm not real thrilled with the agony in the heart, I excitedly await the arrival of a big bundle of growth.

for the pea-pickers soul

2009-11-03T07:41:00.005-05:00

Thumbs are sore this morning and will be again today. Yesterday I was given the sweetest gift anyone could give me. Of course the givers would never know that. After all, why would anyone think that picking peas could act as salve on a soul?

Memories of my six Georgia years are welcome in my mind, the only ones I ever try to recall. I was two on arriving and eight when we left. This was the worst time for my parents. Jobs were difficult to find. We were the poor family at church that received "charity" in various forms. I can understand how difficult this must have been for my parents now. As a parent, I know it would be humbling to have people offer you "gifts" because someone thought you were unable to care for your own. People want to be kind and give to the unfortunate, but it's those who are willing to receive it who face the humble task, for in the taking sometimes you're admitting you need the help.

Once the church gave my mom a sum of money to help with expenses. Shortly after that, at a church related event she saw a show and tell record player. You slid the film strip in the slot and played the record, as the Bible story was told, the film strip slid down and showed the pictures on a t.v. screen. She wanted it so badly so she used the money the church had given her to buy it. As she made the purchase, the pastor of the church gave her a disapproving look. (Sometimes when people give charity, it's yours as long as you use it as they wish.) She felt so small, but she never regretted getting it. We learned many Bible stories from watching it. Anyway the humbling times are not ever going to be remembered fondly, I suppose. So those Georgia years meant hardship and shame for my parents but for me, those were my good times.

We picked in others' gardens. The deal was always the same, whatever we picked, we kept half and gave them the other half as payment for letting us pick in their fields. I don't ever remember enjoying the picking back then, but whenever I get to now there is a strange peace and pleasure that combine to soothe negative feelings. Memories are tricky, the really bad ones can sometimes be dominant, drowning out the existence of the good. But when one experiences something again, that deja vu moment can stir up the memories so the good that was buried deep now resurfaces. That happens in a pea field for me. I could pick peas for days and never tire just to get that.

My favorite recent pea picking memory was when my mom, sister, and I went back to Georgia one year and brought my grandma to this massive pea farm. There were acres and acres of peas. My sister does not find anything appealing about farming or country life so watching her in a pea field again was funny. We knew she didn't like it, but she kept on until finally she stood tall in that pea field and starting singing loudly the country song "She thinks my tractor's sexy..." She and I both share the same childhood memories...maybe a little nostalgia hit her in that moment too, a little "chicken soup for the pea pickers soul".

James 1:17--"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above..."

His grace

2009-10-31T23:06:00.000-04:00

I've recently been reading a book about George Washington. In it is the story of how he became leader of the Continental Army. He knew a recommendation was coming soon to the Congress for who should be the commander and he suspected they may choose him. He confided with a friend in Congress that he felt unable to carry out such a task so he asked his friend to dissuade them from choosing him, as his friend did, but he was chosen unanimously. He did accept the position, but with the following words: "...I beg it may be remembered...that I, this day, declare with utmost sincerity, I do not think myself equal to the command I am honored with." Somewhat scary words considering the responsibility he had just assumed. But later on in a letter to Martha, he wrote these words "...I go fully trusting in that Providence, which has been more bountiful to me than I deserve..." That just gives me a picture of how to handle praise---with warning to the givers of one's lacking and knowledge that anything good that comes is provided by the Almighty.

Praise is very humbling when you're the recipient of it and you know the truth. The truth of "if they only knew"...if they only could realize how much of what they see is the result of nothing but the grace of the Everlasting Father.

His grace is especially evident when raising kids. His grace covers a multitude of imperfections in any parent. Two very flawed individuals seem like they would pass on a heritage of disaster to unsuspecting offspring, but when He is included in the picture...It's like someone taking some of the most questionable ingredients, mixing them, baking them together, and ending up with an appealing culinary creation that pleases all who taste. It doesn't make sense, but that's because we are limited in our understanding and cannot comprehend His infinite ways of piecing together the craziest of jigsaw puzzles.

After spending years praying over little ones and pleading for mercy for them, considering the humans they were born from, suddenly it's possible to see a harvest of grace. Traits in them that had to have been planted by Him. Answered prayers that were prayed for them that the parent could never have been responsible for making happen. He is good to those who honor Him. There is no denying that. He is forgiving of imperfections in His own and His grace covers them.

His ways continue to baffle me because my brain works in the human way...the "try to figure it out" way. He takes those who are insignificant and incapable and allows them to be the caretakers of His possessions, and it looks like the individuals actually know what they're doing. The important part is making sure that those who lavish praise are reminded who it should be given to.

I Samuel 2:30--"...for them that honor me I will honor..."

still don't know what a typical day is supposed to be like

2009-10-30T00:42:00.002-04:00

As a homeschooler, I have worked hard over the years to plan our days well. I have created numerous schedules, chore charts, menus, lesson plans, things to do lists, and probably have been responsible for a few acres of precious timber needlessly being harvested with the paper I've wasted since most of my plans are never followed.

Often when reading books about homeschooling, there is that one section where a typical daily schedule is presented. I'm laughing just thinking about it now because after these eleven, almost twelve, homeschooling years, I still don't think I've ever actually experienced a typical day. I've made the plans and certainly intended to follow them, but I'm just not that structured. We wake up on time, but instead of what I had planned for breakfast...hey, how about pancakes. And then there's the really interesting conversation that starts at breakfast and finds us still there an hour later. (We do a lot of talking around the table!) And of course, if a stray critter shows up, we have to catch it or one of the kids might do something so cool...get the video camera out. We just never seem to have the time to fit a schedule in this life.

I have certainly not been the best example of a wise steward of time, and one day each of them may be shocked for just a couple of days when they enter the world and realize there are time constraints, but I think they'll be okay after a few days. I do not totally regret the spontaneous nature of our family life. Some of our best lessons have been taught over conversations that erupted out of events that benched my plans for the day. A lot of Scriptures have been discussed over extended breakfasts. Much sibling bonding has happened when we've delayed opening the books and decided to enjoy each other for a while instead.

I'll probably continue my pattern of lists, schedules, and various other organizing tools that use up a lot of paper and look really great on the frig, but I'll not be one to demand anyone to follow them precisely, just maybe as a slight suggestion. Even today as the two younger boys were playing, I heard the youngest correcting the older, saying "You said you would...Let your yes be yes and your no be no." That was one of those Scripture lessons we halted school for years ago when high school man was tiny. He's been passing all those things to them over the years so I'm okay with our rather unscheduled ways.

Psalm 16:11--"Thou wilt show me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore."

forty-seven years later

2009-10-28T15:14:00.004-04:00

My husband highlighted a verse in his Bible years ago and wrote my name next to it. Proverbs 12:4--"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones." The big question for me has always been "so which one am I?" And I'm not joking on this one, I'm capable of causing a mess. But he is an optimist and declares that I'm the former not the latter. That's just his way, willing to give the benefit of the doubt. Forty-seven years ago today, the LORD put him here on this planet. And I am the recipient of the greatest blessings because of that. To recognize him on his special day I'm posting something I wrote about him on Father's Day on my facebook notes. He is a man who stands firm.

-Twenty years ago I was a newly wed who honestly didn't know what I was doing even being married. I certainly did not have the maturity to choose a good man to be my husband or to be the father of my children. That's not where my mind was. My mind was struggling with just learning to be grown up! Fortunately, there is One whose way is so far above mine. He put a sweet man right where he needed to be so we could find each other and be together. I have had such a great vantage point in watching the making of an incredible man. He would have to be incredible to tolerate living with me. That was not a task for any other man! But it's Preach the father that I've watched over the years and seen the transformation in. Preach did like a lot of dads. When Jake, our first, was born, he would always help with baths and diapers. But what was most amazing about him was his attitude. Always up. Never tired of dealing with a baby or the very hormonal mother of the baby. Patience was just his character so it didn't really matter if he had read the parenting books or not, his character was more help to me than any advice from a book could have been. As the years passed, we both saw the huge responsibility of steering our kids in the right direction. Emily came then Luke and by this time we had chosen to teach our children at home. This may seem like it wouldn't be such a difficult choice to some, but this sweet man grew up in a county where homeschooling was not a popular thing to consider at the time and that year we were just moving back there. He's a Baker County Wildcat graduate and people out here are very supportive of their schools so this went against the grain in a big way. He didn't blink though. When he listened to my concerns and prayed about it, he agreed and we began a different way of living, but a good one! He's handled most of the problems we've faced the same way, listening and prayer. When our fourth, Ethan, was born, he was delivered by c-section. The doctor stood over me with Preach right there and said a couple of times "are you sure you don't want me to take care of some things while I've got you opened up, I'm right here and can do it with no problem?" I told him no, something just didn't feel good about doing that right then even though we didn't plan to have more children. Preach didn't blink again, didn't even ask me to consider it since he knew I didn't feel comfortable with that. He never made jokes about having enough or being finished. He's always been glad when we found out any of the kids were on their way. He's the one who comforted me for the first two weeks after we found out Lily was coming, big surprise there! He is so thankful for his "five arrows" and has sacrificed a lot for them without complaining. He is an avid hunter who hardly gets to hunt. A man who enjoys watching news and sports, but has given up his t.v. because the influence on the kids was questionable. He is still learning how to parent just like me, but he knows what his responsibility is: To guide all these little ones in the right direction. A lot of dads carry pictures of their kids around, but we have five kids who are all walking pictures of their daddy in some way. Jake has his dad's easy going nature. It makes him great to work with. Emily has his confidence. Someone could come up and say something insulting to her and she wouldn't think of taking it personally, it just doesn't bother her. (Being incredibly sensitive, I still don't understand that one!) But that's how her daddy is. Luke has his daddy's heart to know the Lord. He's so intrigued by the Bible and wants to follow it, a lot of that is from Preach. Ethan has his daddy's freedom. Nothing inhibits him, he's just free to be. And then there's Lily. She's still young, but if you're around her for just a few seconds, you'll see Preach when she smiles. His ear to ear smile is right on her face.-

As we get older, Preach's expressions of love to me have resembled more and more the love of Christ for His church. As to the verse he labeled with my name, I have one that reminds me of him also and it follows.

Psalm 1:3--"He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; And whatsoever he does shall prosper."

breathing freely

2009-10-24T14:17:00.005-04:00

There is freedom in humility. When there is no point in trying to impress anyone, for the lacking in self is most evident, then humility pops up its head and says now live like He made you to live. Ahhh, freedom!

Of course, it's the road traveled to reach that place of humility that's difficult for the proud, like me! A person can become focused on living so as not to let others down instead of living to glorify Him. Years of this can go by without seeing the mistake, after all if you're doing what is good and right who's going to complain. But when the will gets tired and starts to question the motives and the point of it all, then true colors show and sometimes they're not very appealing. If His seed is planted in the heart, then it will show itself through the struggle with self, but misery comes during that tug of war. The kind of misery that should come, the kind that detours from what would hurt us.

After the misery, comes the whining that no one likes to hear so I'm careful not to share it except in the writing sometimes! Whining because I haven't had MY way, after all haven't I "come a long way, baby", I've been told that I'm "worth it", and I've been around long enough now to know that I "have to love myself before I can love anyone else". Messages from this chaotic world infiltrate even minds that are set apart for Him and although I have never agreed with the messages, those ideas can be found even in my own whining to Him.

When finding myself rolled up in the fetal position spiritually, it's easy to see the small person that I am and be amazed because in spite of my smallness and my lacking, I know He is still there. He shows Himself in ways that amaze me, ways that could never be spoken with words, but He is obvious with His care for me and mine. I feel His eyes on me like they must have been on Peter that night so long ago when his own determination saw its end as he protected what was most dear to him, his plans for his life. What shame must have been felt as Those eyes caught his own in the moment when Peter denied that very One who had given him everything good. Peter could not have gotten lower than that and that was right where he needed to be, in the lowest place, so as Christ's prayers for him were heard, in the agony of Peter's awareness of his lowliness, he must have been newly outfitted in humility. For how could he glory in himself now, as was likely his nature before. He had to know how feeble he was and after Christ restored him, he had to know how great was his God. Suddenly humility must have popped up its head and said now live like He made you to live.

Just checking my own motives in the living lately.

Proverbs 22:4--"By humility and the fear of the LORD are riches, and honor, and life."

times when I feel like walking

2009-10-21T12:55:00.003-04:00

There are days, and a lot of them in these past few months, when I feel like taking a sabbatical. However, the motherhood profession doesn't seem to allow such in the scheduling. Even still, as fields are allowed a break from the planting every so often and professors are allowed a break to rest or research, my mind longs for that also. I am not the epitome of a Proverbs 31 woman yet in this life. To act as though I am would be deceptive. I have very selfish ambitions I long to accomplish, like spending hours researching an event in history so I am certain I have the facts conquered before trying to tell my kids about it or becoming really good at just one thing as I have yet to become a master of any craft. Sometimes I just long to sit and write, write, write...without interruption.

It's easy to see when someone is self-centered, just listen for how many times she refers to herself as "I". I am not blind to my own selfishness. It is obvious in my writing, but also in my wants lately. It is in these times that the true gift of grace and the stability of faith are most real to me, for I do really feel like leaving all for just a while and this shows my character for what it really is...not too pretty.

Last night as I humbugged and dragged myself to bed, I shamefully found myself not even wanting to talk to the One who loves me most. As my fatigue with daily routines has worn me down and I have succumbed to selfish thoughts about my "I wants" lately, all I could mumble was "I have nothing to offer You right now". Of course, almost instantly, I laughed at my own words...as though I've ever had anything to offer Him. He has been most gracious and accepting of me and in return for the nothing I've ever offered Him, He has poured blessings out on me that can never be earned or achieved without His grace. Grace is most evident when we see ourselves for what we really are not what we convince ourselves we are based on accomplishments. When we are the poorest and lowest, grace becomes a treasure to hold tightly to and appreciate.

At the lowest of times, the mind can be bombarded with doubts. Is this really what I'm called to do? Can I maintain the course? I feel too weak to continue. Is there something else out there for me? Shameful thoughts, but they come and sometimes the mind listens when it shouldn't. For me, this is when the stability of my faith is checked. Do I really believe He's planned my future? Do I really believe He has better plans for me than I could devise on my own? Do I trust Him with my life? I must confess for the weak one typing on this keyboard it takes some wrestling with my selfish thoughts and agony in my spirit because I 'quietly' rebel against Him by mourning the loss of my selfish wants, before I finally come to the conclusion that "my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness". The stability of faith in Him preserves even when we are frail. Faith is a tight grip on the hand of rescue, if we trust the hand we don't let go.

Eventually, I hope strength comes and I become a mighty warrior for Him, although this warrior will probably walk softly and not too tall after seeing how lacking I really am. But I'm thankful for the keeping power of faith and grace.

Hebrews 11:1--"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

how we school on days like this

2009-10-19T11:22:00.003-04:00

The weather calls us to a different school day than actually is planned on paper. Lesson plans are only to help not dictate.

So it's outside with all the kids after breakfast. Dressed in long sleeves finally, even though this weather only lasts a day or two where we live and then usually back to the 80's. For today, it is autumn and that changes our plans. No workbooks or paper or pens until the outside fun is finished. The public school year originally revolved around the farmers' planting seasons so children could be home to help when needed. So I don't mind changing my lesson plans due to conditions outside.

No they are not out helping with farming or gardens right now, just enjoying the weather and each other. We are lacking proper sports equipment right now so they are playing a mix of kickball and baseball using what they found. I'm sure I could search for lessons for them to learn out there like simple math for the young boys--"if baby Lily finds an ant bed and eats 43 ants, but spits out 38, then how many did she actually consume?" or for the older ones--"which of Newton's law of motion was exercised when the six foot three fella ran over the four foot child as he ran into home plate?" I suppose I could, but no, lessons will happen out there. Without even assigning them.

Usually these are when a lot of character lessons come. One has a bad attitude-time for a lesson. One says ugly words to another-another lesson. One decides the game should be changed because he's not winning--lesson time. They're not all negative lessons though. They learn to enjoy each other's company. They build memories with each other. They learn to watch over each other. And they learn to take advantage of moments that present themselves, moments like today that are better spent with each other than even with words in a book...and I love words in a book.

Ecclesiastes 3:1--"To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:"

hormones were His creation also

2009-10-14T12:09:00.005-04:00

I tend to be argumentative. When hearing an opinion that seems so readily accepted by the masses, I withdraw into a little black hole in my mind and quietly think over what is being spoken. Sometimes after forming my own opinion, I find myself in opposition to what is being touted as truth. For example, I happen to believe self esteem is not biblical and will never mention the words to my children. I see no problem with them realizing they are small as long as they realize that the LORD will use them to do mighty things as they follow His ways. If I taught them they were incredible just the way they are, they may never see their need for a Savior. I have wrapped up in a very small nutshell what could be written about in pages of arguments simply for the purpose of example but something else is actually plaguing my mind today.

The topic? Hormones, you know, the raging kind. Our world is full of solutions as to how to cause them to calm down, and maybe some solutions are needed, but sometimes those little rough places in the road can help us remember that we're on a journey following Someone who can be called on at any time. Someone who teaches us if we're willing to endure some tough lessons and handle situations with prayer. Crazy idea, maybe, to stop throughout the day and pray whenever the feelings get so intense we may burst? How can it be crazy, maybe instead it's a blessing that those feelings are allowed as a call to prayer. If we're always so quick to extinguish the difficult times in life, will we remember to call on Him for help in the living? Some of my most desperate prayers were prayed in the anguish of feelings gone awry. A deep fellowship with Him develops when we are constantly grabbing hold of Him in need just to make it through a day. Because at the end of the day, when we have held so tightly to Him in prayer, a days walk is behind us, the regrets are few, and to boot, we have gotten closer to the One who loves us most. We have grown closer through the suffering. There are other solutions, of course, but they don't offer the rewards of closeness with Him.

Psalm 46:1--"GOD is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

when I woke up Sunday

2009-10-07T16:08:00.000-04:00

As a twenty year old in the throes of depression, I cried to the LORD a lot, but there is one prayer that has been replayed in my head for the last several weeks. I had already spoken all the desperate things I could think of in pleading for Him to take away the gloom. I only on one occasion ever did something that others found out about that harmed myself, but by the time I cried this particular prayer to Him, I knew I would not take my life, half out of fear, but half out of really wanting to live. My prayer? Kind of like this, "Lord, I don't want to wake up one day and be forty and look back to see a wasted life". I wanted to live in color, not in the gray haziness of depression.

It was shortly after that, that I learned something very important while reading about depression. A lesson that has stuck with me over the years and has saved me and those around me from much heartache. It's nothing profound just that as believers we must live by our wills not by our feelings, no matter how low they go, and our wills should line up with His will. After I learned that He took the depression from me.

Now, I'm trying to be careful here because I don't want this to be about depression, but about His amazing faithfulness that can be seen when we hold on and wait on Him till we reach a better vantage point to see the road we have traveled. I was so full of excitement waiting the last few weeks for last Sunday to arrive because on that day I woke up and I was forty.

This was a day I had anticipated like no other, not for presents or birthday greetings, but because it was the day I cringed when thinking about twenty years ago, the day I feared for what the twenty years between may contain, but in reality it was the day He already had planned for me back when I was crying to Him in fear that I might be a wasted life. I have not lived a grey hazy life, but a rather colorful one. I have seen the greatness of His faithfulness to one who hasn't always listened, one who has been stubborn, one who has questioned, yet He has remained faithful. He has allowed blessings along with correction both of which amaze me because they speak of His intense love for me.

Looking back at the twenty year old I was, I'm thankful He led me down the detour of darkness. Even though I had given Him my life as a teen, my plans for the future were mine. I had not sought His guidance in the direction for my life. I had planned to rely on achievements to allow me to make my own way in life. I wanted a career to take me away from any memories of childhood. No family, no relationships, no connections. He had other plans. He knew my deepest desires that I couldn't yet recognize. The desire for connections, family... He gave me a painful detour, but it led me to His blessings.

Now in place of the childhood I thought to run from, He gave me five "childhoods" to make beautiful. Not only that, but I now realize that had I not had the childhood He allowed, I would not be the mom that I am.

Jeremiah 29:11 (You know this one, I'm sure!)

harmony

2009-10-01T12:17:00.003-04:00

Sometimes early in the morning voices and bodies file into the kitchen. Five bodies besides mine, each with his or her own motives. It is truly cacophony and I find myself in their midst, part of the inharmonious choir of self will.

It is not a beautiful sound, for one will not be happy with the given breakfast, another may dawdle, still another may use grievous words and for a moment I am no help. What am I doing? Sometimes I am thinking about ME. Living in the quiet of my mind where shamefully words like sacrifice, service, and duty have been hushed. They've been replaced with "I wanted to do..." or "Will I ever get to..."

I feel like Jonah-motivated by self-will. I have headed to Tarshish many times myself. And I never made it there either. The One who loves me so much has always allowed a storm to threaten and then had something swallow me up in a protective hold until my heart turns from its selfish desire and gets back on course with His will. Thankfully, I am regurgitated from the hold, and although smelly and not too appealing afterwards, I am free!

So this morning as Tarshish appears enticingly in the peripheral view, I quickly arrest the thoughts that would cause my mind to wander. Once they're imprisoned, I gather that cacophony of voices into a cozy room and we read out loud the Words that bring peace. Writing our thoughts about those Words in journals that are kept bundled together in a special corner of the bookshelf. Peace comes as we share thoughts, discuss the message, and try to help little ones put the message into a picture. He comes and stills us and we learn to harmonize.

Isaiah 26:3--"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee."

the beauty of the sieve

2009-09-29T22:17:00.004-04:00

There is beauty in a sieve, a separator, something that filters the unnecessary from the vital. In dealing with children a sieve saves a mama. Exactly how are we supposed to fit everything in that the world says is required for raising children. Maybe that's the enemy's strategy--'convince them there is so much that must be included in this child rearing that they'll agree that it takes a village to raise a child', then Mama and Daddy lose part of their authority status to others who God did not intend to be primary voices of instruction.

Lately, I have found peace in the sifting. In our schooling this year, I have let go of my determination to finish text books and instead chosen to enlighten these sweet skulls with Unit Studies, marinating in one topic for a few weeks, reading everything we can get our hands on about it. For the younger ones...the Middle Ages, complete with knights, kings, queens, and castles. Starting soon for the older two...the history of our Florida county along with a genealogy of their Papa's family to be wrapped up and presented to him at Christmas. We still do math and there are other courses ongoing for the older two, but textbooks do not reign, they serve us only as we need them. As we read out loud, play lots of games, make lap books, and discuss what we've covered, I realize this is what they need most. This has stimulated their minds. This will stick, whereas so much of the textbook work once given priority simply looked good in the portfolio, but wasn't retained.

Today I saw fruits of sifting out pulp and adhering to the necessary. Nine year old, while reading the biography of Martin Luther started his own list of spelling words for next week. Peasant, squire, medieval, several more...all words from his reading. Words he will remember because they meant something to him...because he's read about them and understands their meaning. Any list of spelling words I can give him would never mean so much and probably would not stay with him long. A year and a half ago, he struggled with reading, now after sifting out the pulp that once wasted valuable time for true learning, he is developing a love for learning. A love for learning is my goal for them because that well never runs dry.

The sifting started later in my homeschooling than I wish, but I'm thankful the One who is not limited by His creations of time, space, or matter can take my late start and produce a harvest that will astound. He is their teacher and mine too.

faithfulness in the drought

2009-09-25T21:29:00.004-04:00

You are faithful in ways I will never fully understand

Even when I experience a drought, finding myself weak

Ashamed of who I am because I cannot seem to accomplish anything

Speaking words, loose words, empty words that have no real depth,

Because I feel no real depth

Wishing I could avoid people so my lacking would not be seen

Not from embarrassment, for everyone goes through dry times,

but wishing to avoid people because I have nothing to offer them

How can I say such a thing

I do have You that I can offer always,

but I have not filled up with You so it is not You that comes out

It is mindlessness that pours out,

the jumbled stutterings of one who is tired

and has taken equal care of the body

as she has the spirit lately

Yet no matter my condition You stay the same

You remain faithful

Placing people around me in the strangest of places,

people who speak words that I know are prompted by You,

even though they themselves would not recognize it

they would think their words were chosen by them

but I recognize the message in their words

A consistent message shared by the voice on the radio,

the Wal Mart associate,

the book I "just happened" to browse through,

the child speaking innocent words not even well thought out,

all from different sources, one doesn't even know the other,

but they all speak the same message

The one You want me to hear

because You are faithful even when I'm not

Even as I struggle, You remain constant

Never changing, always offering Your words that I need

Sending them through messengers unaware

You are faithful in ways I will never fully understand

II Timothy 2:13--"If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself."

senior year

2009-09-25T01:03:00.003-04:00

While talking to a friend today, for a brief moment I became overwhelmed with the "demands" of this senior year for our big guy. My friend described the costs involved with making this a memorable year for her son. The pictures, the ring, the senior trip, yearbook... Then there's the graduation ceremony. She mentioned so many things that for that moment I shrunk thinking how am I going to get all of this done?!

That's when I had to remind myself that just as we've never tried to mimic the public school system for their education, we won't copy them for this special year either. There are a few similar things we will do, like pictures and maybe even a ring. But the homeschooling life is so different. It has been centered around shaping their character and teaching them to focus first on Him and He will lead them.

It's tempting, even in homeschool groups, to get caught up in following the standards set by society. But some of my favorite sources of encouragement come from homeschoolers who remind others (while reminding themselves!) that education wears a different face for each homeschooling family. In homeschooling, not every child will read fluently by the age of 5 or take Algebra when they're in 8th grade or perform well on the A.C.T. Homeschooling's great benefit is that it does not concentrate only on scholastics, but searches for how each child is brilliant. They are all brilliant in some way, perfectly suited for some great calling from Him. So I'm looking forward to making this year special for our big guy. I'm not sure exactly what it will include, but I don't plan on allowing a lot of stress. So it will be simple because I want to enjoy this last year I have the privilege to sew into his mind.

As he's becoming the man God shapes him to be, I want him to concentrate not on what field of study or work he'd like to look into, but I want him to prayerfully consider exactly what the Lord may be leading him to do. I am so thankful to have him with me everyday and I will probably shed tears the day we celebrate his graduation with friends and family without the cap and gown and no walk in front of hundreds, but knowledge implanted in his brain and hard work behind him and in front of him. It will be a special day.

Here are a couple of great links about the individualized learning that takes place in the homeschooling environment: http://intent.squarespace.com/ and http://fimby.tougas.net/homeschool-insecurities-and-goals

maybe I should practice staying quiet again

2009-09-23T23:25:00.006-04:00

Exodus 4:10--"...O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant; but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue."

I have a tendency to get uncomfortable in any type of social situation and with any type of discomfort comes a nervous tongue. A nervous tongue that sometimes says the most absurd things just because I don't know how to handle the unsettling pause in a conversation. Actually, I don't know how to handle most conversations at all.

Now, please, don't take this as complaining about my upbringing, because I've come to appreciate my younger days, knowing that the LORD had plans for me that required me to go through some tough times early on, but as a youngster, I was basically taught to stay quiet and stay out of every one's way. I suppose once taught this for the first several years of life, I just kept doing that out of habit. I cringe in social circles and avoid them if at all possible. I can speak to people one on one or even in a small group if sharing information that needs to be shared, but any kind of social event or idle chit chat leaves me with that nervous tongue, wishing I could run away. I tend to say ridiculous things.

As a matter of fact, that's why I'm writing this tonight because it happened again. I'm not sharing what I said this time, but it was totally inappropriate at best and possibly even offensive at worst. I will give an example of a nervous tongue moment I had once though. At a church we once attended, during the offering, a lady who knew I was expecting asked "boy or girl?" I told her it was a boy and she asked about his name. I told her we were planning on naming him Henry, then came the unsettling pause. Not knowing how to end the conversation I just said "Well, at least he'll have Common Sense." Yes, I'm aware of the fact that this makes no sense whatsoever, in fact to understand what pours from my lips sometimes one would need to be inside my head. At the time what was inside my head was our American History lesson in homeschooling and I was thinking about the pamphlet "Common Sense" which I was connecting to Patrick Henry, who didn't even write it (I had him mixed up with Thomas Paine at the time). Now this woman would never have known what was in my head and that explains the odd look I received from her. I tried to stay away from her after that realizing how difficult it must be for the victims of my odd mangled words.

I feel so terrible for the people who have to deal with me sometimes. It might be better for them if I walked around with a miniature dry erase board and wrote down my responses to comments. I think my words through better in the writing process.

I am hopeful that He will find a way to use me in spite of my tongue. I'm sure next time if I just talk to Him in those uncomfortable moments, then He will either tell me something I should say or maybe help my nervous tongue lie still.

Exodus 4:12--"Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say."

walking from the altar

2009-09-20T22:56:00.001-04:00

Sometimes in my heart I grudgingly carry my offering to Your altar
Not wanting to part with my "gift" to You
You love a cheerful giver, should I not give my offering
if it is not given with joy

It is an offering that should be placed at Your feet
I cannot keep it, it distracts
But it is precious to me

a desire that may exist only for one reason

simply for me to be willing to give it up

"present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God,

which is your reasonable service."

my reasonable service

a holy sacrifice

giving even that which is most precious

I cry as I approach slowly

the offering-in arms that do not want to part with it

inward cries of 'but it is the one thing I truly want'

more of Your words whisper in my ear

"...but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it."

my mind roams to the man who approached you wanting

to know what more he had to do

for he followed all the commandments

"sell everything, give it to the poor and follow Me"

it was too great a price

and he walked away in sorrow

I want to be willing, but...

I see that man in me

I cringe because my sacrifice, my offering,

my reasonable service is laid at Your feet with clinched fists still holding on to it

had I let it go earlier before I allowed it to find home in my heart

maybe there would be no pain

the pain is evidence of strong attachment

unhealthy attachment

anything held so tightly should be released

and it is, along with many tears

my want laid at Your feet

and I ask for Your grace again

because I do not give it with cheer

I give it because it is something that must be parted with

if I will serve You fully

my offering in exchange for the hope You offer

my want that cannot satisfy in exchange for Your promise that never fails

I can leave the altar with empty arms only when I choose to trust You

is there a place for them

2009-09-18T00:59:00.003-04:00

Sunday evening I visited the jail again with another lady, Tammy. We go to have church in an odd shaped, very cold room with any of the women who want to participate.

We arrange the chairs so that the atmosphere is very casual, no podium, just chairs in a circle. Misfits reaching out to misfits. Those who have found a hope trying to share it with those desperate for it.

Jail is where I experience the greatest church services. It is always real in that room. No one is concerned about appearance. No fake smiles. No cliques. Social status does not exist where everyone is dressed alike. With all masks removed, we're free to have church. We ask Him to show up and He does. I sometimes don't even know how to begin. But He equips us with the one thing we need, the Truth.

This past Sunday four women came. They are usually pretty desperate for a change. And just like the parable of the seed that Jesus spoke of, they all take the message differently. Some of them take the words that are spoken just for a short season and then let them go. Some of them don't seem to listen at all, they just want to get out of the living quarters for a while. Some of them want to change, but they are so trapped in bondage to lifestyles and friends who influence them that they go back to their old ways. But every once in a while, someones heart opens and they see their desperate need for a Savior and they long for Him. They see the hope in Him and that is what they run to. This happened last Sunday. The same woman I've seen a few times over the last couple of years...before when the seed of His Word was shared, she was not interested and other times she seemed to not understand. But this night, when confronted with the the message, she realized she needed to know for certain that she was one of His own.

Now everyone knows about jailhouse religion and I think I've actually seen it demonstrated myself. In a courtroom, when someone walks before the judge and proclaims they have started fresh and are now attending church, but I know they've gone back to their old ways. They just think the church word and starting fresh may sound convincing enough to gain some leniency. Thankfully both of the judges I've listened to, pay no heed to that. But sometimes there are those who sincerely seek the Truth and they want to walk with Him. What do they do when they get out of jail?

I have asked this quietly to myself and in prayer over the last couple of years, never pleased with the answer. We invite them to come to church always. Most of them who come only come once and don't return. When I compare and contrast the jail church services with the church on the outside, I think I understand their hesitancy. Is there really a place for them? They are broken, scarred misfits who walk into a foyer where there are no sections for misfits or into a Sunday School class with no section for the broken. I am a broken, scarred misfit myself, but I do not even know how to show them that when I am at church. I have no problem sharing that with them in that odd shaped room in the jail, but at church even I find it hard to be vulnerable enough to let people see the real me...the me who is broken and scarred and certainly does not fit well in many crowds. Instead I find myself struggling to find a spot and opting shamefully for withdrawing quietly into my own well chosen area where I feel safe. How will I reach out to them when they come if I'm not even sure I belong sometimes? I think there are many people in church like that. I know it causes me to appear uncaring and self-absorbed. The ladies in jail interpret it as judgemental and hypocritical. That's why they say they don't want to come. How do we tear down those kind of walls that so many church members, like me, are responsible for putting up?

Their desire to come to church is very real sometimes, but in a church they are seeking a safe place...a house of mercy. A place of acceptance. They have little to offer. They need more than they can give to begin with. They are babies in Christ and probably not ready to serve in many capacities when they first come. We reach out to minister to them, but do we really want them to come and be part of our congregation, can we learn how to open our arms and pull them in? I do not find myself courageous enough to know I can do this. I would love to go to church every Sunday in that odd shaped room. Very little is hidden there. Words are spoken freely. Scars are displayed with no shame because we all have them. Struggles are talked about because each one faces them. People are not afraid to be vulnerable because they know they are accepted. I do not experience freedom of that sort anywhere outside those jail walls and it leaves me wondering if I am mature enough in Him to even be ministering there.

For any one of you who periodically stop by this little blog, please take any time you would usually use to comment and pray for those women in jail. There really are some who want to follow the One who offers truth and life, but they find it so difficult to fit in the church.

a television lurking in the waterfall

2009-09-16T09:13:00.004-04:00

Isaiah 30:15--"...in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength..."

My quiet place of yesterday was overtaken by a noisemaker today. Yesterday as I sat in a quiet area enjoying the peaceful beauty of a waterfall fountain, I had no idea what was hidden in that fountain. Would you believe there's a television hiding in the waterfall? Yes, there is. Fortunately yesterday, when I enjoyed the peacefulness of that spot the television wasn't working, but apparently it has been fixed.

It's kind of like a lurking enemy infiltrating the space that seems safe. So now I sit in my comfy hotel room with a view of an orange grove which is peaceful. I know television isn't the enemy, but we've been weaned off television for several months now. For years, we had considered throwing out our television, but honestly the lure of the great deal we had on DirecTV kept us from doing it. I mean, we only paid about twelve dollars a month for our service (we've had friends try to get the same deal all to be told they don't do that, but when we called to cancel our service once, we were told if we stayed with them we could get just the family pack, that's the story of our great deal). We held on to t.v. because of the "great deal" knowing once we let it go we couldn't get it back. Looking back, we think why did we even care about that.

We had a strong conviction about what we allowed our kids to see, but just having the t.v. on sometimes invited the enemy's lures right into our living room. After seeing our oldest turn his head when certain commercials would come on, commercials that lure young men, just commercials...the kids weren't even allowed to watch shows that contained overtly inappropriate material...this was just commercials. Our own son showed us what was really happening by keeping that media box in our home. We were teaching them His way and telling them His Words, but then we opened the door to the enemy, allowing him to openly throw lures in the very quiet spot of our space together. So out went the television. I'm so thankful for those around us who had modeled this for us, seeing the leadership of others makes it a little easier to take the plunge.

We took the plunge in the midst of season finales. Some shows we had allowed in our home were interrupted by us using our t.v. for target shooting with husband's friend one day. Hearing and seeing the glass explode and the smoke was pretty cool for the little guys although there was one in the house who was unhappy knowing she would not see the next American Idol cheered on t.v. (Yes, we had allowed that show.) But we set out to fill the void, having learned that we always offer something positive to fill a space when we remove something from their lives. Life without the noisemaker? Hmmm....we spend more time talking about everything...we learned how to communicate with people we had lost contact with...we started studying Scriptures together as a family more...we've played more with each other...a couple of us have started blogs to share about Him...we've prayed together more...we've all read and written more...the best thing has probably been the forced quiet. The forced quiet would be the times whereas before when Dad or I were alone and might turn on the t.v. just for the noise or company, now we can't and we are left with quiet. Quiet can be unsettling until you learn what to do with it. When there is no distract-er in the house, we find ourselves reaching for more of His Words while we sit in the cozy chair or turning on the praise till it can be heard throughout the house. Or just meditating on Words studied in the past, ruminating, then slipping into a conversation with Him about what He wants us to learn.

We were never addicts. We monitored the watching. Even when we had one, we still spent time together. But it's absence is glorious. Even as football season starts and my fellas sometimes disappear next door to catch a glimpse of a touchdown or two, I don't want it back. A lot has happened for our family since we let the t.v. go. Preach and I have both come to a greater understanding of just how short our lives are here. We don't want to waste the little time we have. Our children have only a little time too and we want them to learn to fill their time with what's profitable for Him.

Struggles have come too. The enemy throws lures in new directions when his other source has been turned off. He's desperate, but God is almighty and has no equal foe so I cling to my Source Who keeps me.

Isaiah 32:18--"And my people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation, and in sure dwellings, and in quiet resting places."

chamomile tea and river of delights

2009-09-15T09:08:00.003-04:00

Psalm 1:3--"And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper."

I'm being spoiled today.

My husband is one of the hardest working men I've ever known. I've been so thankful for his work ethic over the years. His dedication has kept him from being unemployed even once when the company he was working for went out of business. Others from other companies knew him from his work and hired him immediately to work for them. He's been blessed, but blessed because he's remained steadfast in faith and work. He's taught that same work ethic to our kids. He reminds me of "a tree planted by the rivers of water", stable and fruitful. Many people give me far too much credit for good things they see in our kids. We are definitely a team in the effort. Preach is the rock of the family keeping things stable while I'm more like the fluttering butterfly bringing fun and life into the picture (although lately I'm not sure I've been up to par on my end!).

Back to my being spoiled. His work has him out of town much of the time, but if he works within two hours of home he drives back and forth every day. Recently, he's been working about two and a half hours away. Usually that means the hotel for him and us doing without him till Friday night, but when the "fluttering butterfly" wife went into a nosedive recently, really needing her "rock" man around, this man started driving back and forth from the job everyday. That's five hours driving each day, not even counting the hours he spends driving everyday from one job site to another. He's a special kind of rock, diamond quality. Now my spoiling is happening because this week he is staying away in the hotel, but he invited me to come.

I split the children up between both sets of grandparents, well, the oldest is in Honduras. So here I am at a very nice hotel, nicer than where he usually stays (he did that for me!). Right now, sitting in a very peaceful dining area with a large waterfall fountain, I've just been thinking about Psalm 36:8, "...thou shalt make them drink of the river of thy pleasures." It's 9:30A.M. and I'm sipping chamomile tea, indulging in some much needed Scripture reading, and if the chamomile relaxes me too much, I can take a nap. Yes, this setting is temporary and tomorrow I head back home and gather up my sweet arrows up. Then when we wake up Thursday, by 9:30 in the morning I'll have answered tens of questions from little ones, changed diapers, made some breakfast, cleaned dishes, started school and juggled whatever else comes. His river of pleasures follow me wherever I go. I get them at home with those precious ones, I get them on a special trip away with "rock solid" man. Even when I have my most desperate moments, thinking I don't have strength to continue, I look around me and if I really open my eyes, I see his blessings and I cannot deny them because they're there.

Psalm 36:9--"For with thee is the fountain of life..."

they're all His words

2009-09-12T11:54:00.004-04:00

I'm so thankful those whose hands penned God's Word were men with faults. Not that I glory in the faults of others, but knowing those who wrote those words struggled gives me comfort as I walk through my own struggles.

We are taking one Psalm at a time right now, writing our thoughts about them in our journals. As we write, it's been a good time to point out to the kids a pattern we see in many of the psalms of David. He begins some of his passages questioning God. I heard a teacher who gave a quizzical look and spoke of these questions as though David was wrong for such. Sometimes I speak up, but that day I stayed quiet. (I don't like to feel like I'm correcting someone who's supposed to be teaching me.) But those places where David agonizes with questions are precious to me because they are Scripture and they too are the inspired words of God. I appreciate so much the writing style of the shepherd boy made king. I do not write anything quite so beautiful, but when I find a scrap of paper and pen, I often write with questions to Him first, too. My heart many times being heavy and seeking comfort from Him...so out it spills onto whatever paper I find and something happens in the writing. Comfort, memories of faithfulness, truth healing the brokenness, something happens so that by the end the message is the same. The same as the conclusion David reaches...but You are faithful God and You make the way for Yours and all will be okay as I stay under Your shadow. I'm thankful those are His inspired words. It gives me hope that my questions and struggles are to be expected as long as my conclusion matches his.

Psalm 13
How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and hear me, O LORD my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.

of wearing scarlet letters

2009-09-10T05:38:00.004-04:00

John 8:32--"...the truth shall make you free."

It has been one of my favorite books since I first immersed myself fully into the lives of its characters...Hester Prynne-the openly shamed, the "thought" to be upright man-her companion in sin, Pearl-the feisty child born as a result.

She wore a scarlet letter for all to see, a sign to all of her most secret sin. Evidence of his sin, though seen as her belly would swell with child, was never worn by him. She carried the guilt and the child. He lived well respected by all, but tortured inside. She told no one the identity of her beloved Pearl's father.

She was jailed, rebuked, cast out, spoken about, shamed publicly and through it all she found freedom. After all, once they did all that to her, what else could they do? When there was no more pressure to perform tasks, fulfill expected duties, show up at the observances set by man...when all of that pressure to perform was gone, for she could no longer impress anyone, then she found that she could just be. She could finally be who she was supposed to be. Though she wore that scarlet letter, people found her anytime there was a need. They soon learned that this woman donning the letter A was the one they could call when there was sickness or tragedy. She showed up because that was who she was. The letter was just a mark showing she committed a sin. She wore it past the time they would have made her. She was not afraid of it or shamed by it anymore. She knew everyone else had one too...they just didn't display them. What freedom is found in the exposure...in the acknowledgement of human frailty!

Then there was the man. Sad, heavy laden man. He longed for the freedom, but knew in the telling so many would be let down. Certainly they would turn from God if they knew about his great trespass. So it lay hidden, for years, even as the child he fathered grew before his eyes. Him not being able to call her his own because of fear...fear of the people. His scarlet letter was there too. It was just hidden...there is no freedom when it's hidden, just burden.

I want to wear all my scarlet letters!! I love the freedom in exposure. Exposure of what is already known..."for all have sinned and fallen short". I'm sure maybe Nathaniel Hawthorne may not have intended his book to have such meaning as I take from it, but that is the beauty of a story, there can be found even more than author intends. He may have even meant it as defiance against the church at the time. But the story reveals a truth in the Christian life--there is freedom in confession and burden in concealment. Once we shed the need to maintain "our" reputations, we are free to walk under His...His reputation of grace.

Matthew 11:28-30--"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

The Jesus Book--Book Review

2009-09-08T05:52:00.000-04:00

Recently, well, actually about a month ago, I received another book to review. This time a children's book--The Jesus Book by Stephen Elkins. This colorful children's book of close to 100 pages, which includes a thirty song music CD, describes itself as the "Ultimate Who, What, When, Where, and Why Book" about Jesus. I found it to be very much based on Scripture. The book is divided into the following sections: Who Jesus Is, What Jesus Did, What Jesus Taught, When It Happened, Where It Happened, Why It Happened, and How It Happened. Each of these sections has a number of Scripture sited answers to these questions, brief summaries of what the Bible actually says.
For example, in the first section, Who Is Jesus, the first answer provided about who He is says "The prophets said Jesus was the Promised One." The Scripture sited is Isaiah 9:6 and the summary explains who prophets were and what they did. Then it briefly tells about Isaiah and what he told about Christ in this passage, followed by briefly mentioning other prophets who spoke about Christ and what they said about where He would be born and how He would die.
That's just the first page! This book is full of Scripture referenced information to teach little ones all about Jesus in a way that is very easy to understand. If reading this book to little ones, I believe the appropriate age could be as young as any three year old who can sit still for at least five or ten minutes to listen to just one page per sitting. However, children in early elementary grades could easily benefit from the information contained here because as you get further along in the book there are details, especially in the Where Did It Happen section, that they may not know. I would think it could be read by even 3rd or 4th graders. I would say that the music is probably more for younger children, however, I have a nine year old who enjoys it also. The illustrations are very appealing, also.
I really like this book. I chose it intending to give it to my six year old for Christmas, but the information is presented so well that I decided to use it as his main Bible curriculum for school. We are going to have a great time with this book!

growing inside through outside obstacles

2009-09-07T05:08:00.000-04:00

3 John 4--"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth."

I'm learning to be thankful for difficulties our little ones face as they grow. I have yet to find a child who begins walking perfectly without stumbling. It is the very stumbling that teaches them the need to steady themselves and walk with care. It's the same with struggles as they grow.

One of our little guys struggles with concentrating on his schoolwork whenever distractions are around him. I guess I could sequester him in a room by himself, leaving him with an empty atmosphere, nothing but quiet. That may work, until he becomes an adult and realizes there are no such places left on the planet. I would not want to stunt his growth in such a way as to cripple him for the future so he cannot cope with distractions around him. So instead, he's made to do his work in the open spaces of our home-with little one year old running around singing, little brother calling out for help occasionally, phone sometimes ringing, not because I aim to make it difficult for him, but that is the normality of life and I want him to learn to cope in that atmosphere.

So he struggles and he calls to me and my biggest blessing I can pass down to him occurs. I have the chance to tell him to ask the LORD to help him. It's those moments throughout the day that teach him about the faithfulness of a Savior. I'm glad he learns the stories from the Bible at church, but it's the day to day learning to trust the One he's learning about that I'm after. So when we have a moment when he's stressed or upset because he's gotten confused or frustrated, we can pray together and sometimes I encourage him to have quiet time alone with the LORD and ask for help.

I want him to learn now who he can rely on for all help. My help is limited. I could give him the quiet he needs, but that would be a temporary solution. Anyone else's help is limited, too. They may recommend the quiet or even prescribe an answer in a pill. I want him to know now that there is an answer, but it comes from the One he needs to rely on for all of his difficulties. The One who will also guide him through the troubles to come. What better thing could I give him than to encourage him to trust the One who doesn't fail even now as a child so that when he's a man he will seek help from the One who has shown Himself faithful already? My little guys faith will already have roots. That's what I want to pass to all of them--deep roots of faith.

Psalm 1:2,3--"But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

giving an anchor to steady them

2009-09-03T22:36:00.009-04:00

Hebrews 6:19--"which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast..."

I have needed an anchor all my life. That has been the benefit of having trials in my youngest years. Now I can look back with gratitude at what the LORD was doing in the midst of what seemed to be craziness because my desperate need for something sure and true led me to seek Him diligently.

I no longer cry or bemoan the past, but surprisingly, I can look at it and see Him working even as the enemy attempted to use the sins of others to destroy. Destruction that the enemy always hopes for did not come, though despair made an appearance occasionally. But there was always an alternative to despair--hope.

Now Husband and I attempt to aim and shoot our five little arrows at what is sure and true. One day they will be the grown ups that we are now. I refuse to join in any chorus of voices weeping for their futures because one day I expect them to take the reins as mature individuals and stand for Him. I do not want comfort to be their companion, for comfort can breed idleness. I want them to always be alert. I do not hope for difficulties for them, but I happen to know that they will get them so I want to prepare them for that. They will have battles. They will face disappointments. They will go through trials. No matter what I may try to do to keep them safe, all of those things will come. So I want to leave with them that which will hold them steadfast. There is little that can offer that, but hope in Him certainly does.

Hope in Him allows one to hold on a little while longer. It keeps one from walking toward the deceptive claws of the enemy. It helps one open the eyelids to see a new day after a night full of tears. Hope does not disappoint. Hope bears good fruit because the one who hopes walks in the confidence of a promise from One who does not fail to deliver.

We have all of our little gifts still living under roof and my goal is to keep them as long as possible so I can pour into them words from Him. But years rush and time is not in my control so I pour on hope...His hope. It is one thing I can offer that has never let me down.

Romans 8:24,25--"For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it."

the One who molds, refines, and prunes

2009-09-03T12:26:00.004-04:00

Ezekiel 14:7,8--"For every one of the house of Israel, or of the stranger that sojourneth in Israel, which separateth himself from me, and setteth up his idols in his heart, and putteth the stumblingblock of his iniquity before his face...I the Lord will answer him by myself: and I will set my face against that man...and ye shall know that I am the LORD."

I hope to one day write about nothing but cheer and happy thoughts, but this is not to be that year I suppose. My growing in Him continues-along with the refinement fire to burn up all that is no good in me. These last few years that whole sifting process has caused me to see where I had hoarded excuses in the secret hideouts in my heart. Excuses for acting like this or thinking like that. Now He has exposed it all so I have no more excuses. I know He does this simply because He loves me and I asked to be made real. But it leaves me standing on what seems like a precipice of decision. Can I keep going? That may be better asked can I keep growing? Sometimes I just feel like the growing process will kill me...maybe that's what He's after. Getting rid of the "me" that He never intended to be me anyway, replacing that with something new from Him.

Sometimes the "religious" do's and don'ts tended to distract me from what was in my heart. The practices of religion and even observances could become so tedious to follow that it was easy to think I was doing my part as long as I was participating in the practices established by man. Maybe some of those practices in this world are even great tools used by the enemy to keep people from focusing on what is really vital-the heart being pure before the Almighty.

I do not understand as much about Him as I once thought I did . He looms larger and larger. His ways are more mysterious than I can conceive, but His faithfulness continues to woo me. His promises never fail. Though I don't understand all of His words, I read them and they show me hints of His character-that I may know that He is the LORD. Warnings and promises, all for me and I cannot take only the parts that look appealing.

Ezekiel 16:60-62--"Nevertheless I will remember my covenant with thee in the days of thy youth, and I will establish unto thee an everlasting covenant. Then thou shalt remember thy ways and be ashamed...and thou shalt know that I am the LORD."

it never happened the way they said

2009-09-02T00:37:00.003-04:00

My joys:
Older brother and sister cooking dinner together (with smiles and laughs)
Little brother seeking place closest to baby sister at the table
Youngest brother drawing picture of a castle after reading about God, his refuge
Baby sister laughing as she shows everyone how she can say "shhh" with little finger to mouth

I have to admit I had a slight fear of what raising kids could include. I listened to people talk about what kids do and how they act--what we could expect. Now that years have passed, I've learned to use my ears like my old radio dial, adjusting my hearing to only those voices that speak wisely and carefully and immediately tuning out many loud voices that speak without much thought.

We were warned about the toddler years. The chosen term was "terrible" back then. Then the years when they would "drive us crazy" by all the questions they ask. Of course, the preteen years for girls were supposed to do us in. But finally when they became teenagers, that's when the real torture was supposed to happen.

Yet I sit here wondering how all these people managed to be so tormented by this parenting experience and I get to be so blessed by it.

Not only blessed, but I have benefited from it, reaping an abundance of growth in my character and my spirit, as I have had to learn to change me in the process of leading them.

When Dad is away and school starts again, we spend so much time studying together, cleaning together, playing together, and tonight cooking together. I watch as we sit at the table and my eyes see the most amazing things. What kids are really like, not what people warned us about.

I enjoy them. Of course there have been difficult times, but most of those were opportunities for them to see their need of a Savior and for growth for Mom and Dad.

I feel for all those who warned and spread fear about parenting. Either they simply spoke loose words for conversations sake or they actually meant what they said. The latter is full of even more sadness to me because it means they just accepted lies about kids as facts and probably never saw the amazing little beings God put beside them to bless them.

following the shepherd, not the sheep

2009-08-31T07:10:00.004-04:00

Isaiah 40:11--"He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young."

I'm so thankful for word pictures of how You care for Your own. A shepherd guiding Yours in safety and loving care. In moments of anxiety, when I feel surrounded by the unknown that causes my heart to race, I remember You...my Shepherd and my heart calms as I simply say "lead me, I will follow". I walk away calmed by knowing You are right there with me and then You lead me into the most wonderful circumstances.

My part is really simple. Just trust and follow You. You lead me to the greenest pastures. That's what a shepherd does...guide, protect, provide. You do that and so much more for me.

I have felt the protection. I have loved the guidance. I have been thankful for the provision. I have also wandered from Your side. Sometimes feeling carefree and independent in those green pastures, taking my eyes off you, feeling confident until I realize I've gotten myself stuck in a thicket in a desert place. Then I start to cry and You come and get me...and break me, bring me back with my scrapes and bruises, and You show me that there is danger when I wander from You.

I remember a song Mama taught us. She always wanted us to sing it and we didn't want to, but now the words are sweet. "Gentle Shepherd, come and lead us, for we need Your help to guide our way"...the words are jumbled in my mind because of the years since hearing, but the meaning is there.

You lead me beside still waters when I would otherwise walk into rapids. You restore my soul when I feel so overwhelmed and confused. You are the Good Shepherd. And I am amazed that all it requires on my part is to trust and follow.

John 10:14,27--"I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine...My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:"

internet suddenly looks so small

2009-08-28T10:47:00.007-04:00

John 4:14--"But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life."

"A spring as clear as well water bubbled up from nowhere in the sand...and began to run rapidly down-hill to make a creek. The creek joined Lake George, Lake George was part of the St. John's River, the great river flowed northward and into the sea. It excited Jody to watch the beginning of the ocean...The bubbling spring would rise forever from the earth..."--Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, The Yearling

(We visited some springs a few months ago and saw the sand boils, where water just bubbles up from under ground and starts. The start of an ocean right there in a tiny little cove. It is a mystery to watch and be amazed at what that water turns in to.)

You are the God of all things everlasting. Why would I choose what is temporal? My flesh would pull me in that direction, trying to convince me that there is something that would satisfy, but Your Spirit tugs and reminds me of truth. Truth that You are the God of all things everlasting.

I have been to the springs and seen the beginnings of the ocean. I have been amazed seeing the sand boils, the water just coming forth from the earth and turning into an ocean that man has barely been able to study much, even to this day when man's technology is vast. You give us so many pictures of Your greatness through Your creation.

And I look at the pages of Your Word, like a child in amazement, fascinated that I cannot find an end to its wonder.

I could sooner search the internet itself and completely cover everything offered by man before I could finish feeding off Your Word because Your Word is eternal and anything offered by man is not. There is always something new in those same sixty-six books people have studied for centuries. It stays a mystery with everlasting new discoveries to guide each one in Your way if we will listen.

You renew me with Your fresh spring, life-giving, waters when I listen to Your Words.

"...from everlasting to everlasting, thou art God."--Ps. 90:2

"...for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength:"--Isa. 26:4

"...but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the LORD..."--Isa. 54:8

"...whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."--John 3:16

"...Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love..."--Jer. 31:3

"...hath given us everlasting consolation and good hope..."--II Thes. 2:16

Deuteronomy 33:27--"The eternal God is thy refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms..."

letting go of what I can never catch anyway

2009-08-27T03:44:00.003-04:00

II Corinthians 1:3--"Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort; who comforteth us in all our tribulations: that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."

"...Such Christians, although they profess to be followers of the God of all comfort, spread gloom and discomfort around them wherever they go; and it is out of the question for them to hope that they can induce anyone else to believe that this beautiful name, by which He has announced Himself, is anything more than a pious phrase, which in reality means nothing at all. And the manifestly uncomfortable religious lives of so many Christians is, I am very much afraid, responsible for a large part of the unbelief in the world." Hannah Whitall Smith

I read this from the book, The God of All Comfort, nearly trembling inside, knowing lately I've taken my eyes off of You as my source for everything I need.

In my fast spinning world, days passing so quickly, wondering where the time is going, I have sought comfort from those most dear around me, expecting more from them than they can offer. All because I've not remembered that You are my only source...for comfort and all else.

As I turn my eyes elsewhere for my help, my burdens get heavier. Suddenly I cannot manage the every day and my demeanor changes to reflect one who is unsettled and I am ashamed. Ashamed because I am not wearing You well.

I allow the burdens of the everyday to bombard me and cannot see Your hope because my vision is obscured. Obscured because I look in the wrong direction for my help. Why would I exchange Your yoke which is so light for one that weighs me down?

The dear ones are watching me and they know all is not well with their mother. They are the ones who most make me want to walk confidently in Your hope and comfort. One day I want them to do the same.

I do not want them to see in me nothing more than a "pious phrase", but instead the beauty of the mystery of the gospel.

I remember Solomon's words now and cringe, knowing I've allowed the same in my life. How many times does he say it in his Ecclesiastes book--grasping for the wind! It is all vanity.

I'm letting go of my fruitless efforts to catch the wind. All that gets accomplished should be for Your glory, all else is waste.

Allow Your servant child to rest in Your comfort and forgive me for going to the "high places" again.

Psalm 119:59--"I thought about my ways, and turned my feet to Your testimonies."

Em with a fever

2009-08-20T22:52:00.006-04:00

Luke 1:49--"For he that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is his name."

Even in the shadow of illnesses there are blessings waiting to be spotted.

She's thirteen, warm with fever, and sleeping in my bed tonight. Last night, her little brother informed me of Em's odd "hot skin". From annoying lingering headache to scorching temperature within a couple of hours.

Her fierce independence restricts too much nurturing on my part usually. So catering to her has been kind of nice. I'm needed by my rosebud, my dolly dingle, my chick!

There's something sweet in the care giving. It brings to mind all the traits in her that have always made her dad and I smile. How, as a toddler, she would never smile for grown ups who acted silly, she just looked at them like they had problems. I remember a relative at a family reunion who happened to be a psychologist trying to get her to smile when she was just a toddler. Of course, she gave the usual stare and I informed him "She doesn't respond to people when they talk to her in 'baby' talk." He replied that she wasn't responding because I was teaching her not to by saying she wouldn't respond. (Yeah, it didn't really make much sense then either.) I just left him to his ambitious efforts. Of course, he never got the smile. She could spot the real and the artificial back then and she's always wanted the real.

She had the nose of a hound from early on. Never could I get away with a treat hidden in my mouth. Little Em would always walk right up to me, tilt that little head up at nearly a 90 degree angle, ask what I had, and expect me to share.

If she could have wiped the color pink off the face of the earth, I think she would have. Never liked lace, ribbons, bows, or fluffy dresses. Her granny once bought her a dress from Dollywood and I made her wear it to church just one time. She has never forgotten that.

We never had to invest in dolls or barbies just stuffed animals and lots of them. She has quite the menagerie of them still. She really got attached to stuffed animals. When eating at a Cracker Barrel once, she spotted a wolf beanie buddie named Nanook and wanted him desperately. I wanted to get him for her, but felt it was a good time to teach the lesson that we can't always have what we want. Her tears that night caused me to spend the next two years searching for Nanook until I finally spotted him on EBay and bought him for Christmas. After that I had a hard time saying no to stuffed animals.

She gets attached to animals sometimes to people too, but mostly animals. Right now, she's attached to a horse named Tex who she insists is hers even though we have no fenced field for him and cannot purchase him for her. But I actually believe she will end up with him. She has learned to rely on One who can provide more for her than her dad and I. I like that.

She's gone through some challenging years. Challenging for her and me. Years that had me seeking counsel and pulling out hair. The hair's growing back and the counsel grew my character first. Now I look back and I'm thankful for her challenges. Anything that helps grow her mama into what He calls her to be is a good thing.

There are a couple of things that I'm extra thankful for. Like her thick skin. She's never been sensitive. I think she might mourn for about two minutes if insulted outright, but usually she just assumes someone's joking and joins in. She wants friends and loves people, but she will not change herself for them. The other thing is that she does things I was too fearful to do. Some things that I'm still to fearful to do. Like singing in front of people or even just going out of her way to talk to new people.

I really like this girl, this bewildering creature we call Em who loves horses, dogs, and people especially some very special ones at church. This girl who has always wanted a big sister has found herself playing that exact role to another tiny girl who she was hesitant to invite home from the hospital yet now when we sneak a peek around the corner into the living room, we see big sister dancing with the little sister. And I smile because I know she is being the big sister that she always wanted.

Yes, her sick with fever makes me think about all this. Snapshots of her. Life is full of pictures never taken. Images captured in my mind and held sweetly in my heart.

Luke 2:19--"But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart."

hope I have a good name

2009-08-19T00:40:00.004-04:00

Psalm 139:16, 17--"Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect: and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God!"

Before Gideon ever was one, You called him a "mighty man of valor". Before Abraham was even a father, You called him the "father of many nations". Before David was even old enough to be considered worthy of being counted by his own father, You anointed him as king. And of course, Peter was no rock when You said he would be.

You are not bound by time so You knew what they would eventually be, You called them by the name they would be remembered by when they finished this life.

I hope the name You have for me pleases You. Sometimes I quit looking at You and look at my own frailties and the ways I may fail. In those times, I wish I could hear You call me something that would give me a clue that maybe I won't fail You. But if I had any hint about the future, I would probably not be as determined to hold on to You in my neediness.

So I continue with my own idea of the fitting name for me: "the feeble body part". Day after day, fighting a battle that is often waged in my mind where the enemy has lost ground, but fights to regain his position. Your strength, however, has been most obvious for I know how weak I am, but the enemy has not been able to retake that ground. Actually he continues to lose more and more. Your strength sustains and shields me. I'm Yours. Let that suffice to be my name. Just that I'm Yours. That will do. Yours.

I Corinthians 12:22--"Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary"

maybe prayer instead of the phone call

2009-08-18T14:01:00.003-04:00

Psalm 141:3--"Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips."

I wonder if sometimes calling someone and sharing our concerns about them is actually being thoughtful after all. Maybe that little nudge of worry about them is really the One who loves us best reminding us to talk to Him about them, not necessarily to get us to speak to them.

Sometimes words of concern can come out as hurtful. Nothing more than a persuasive argument from one that reaches desperately for words that will motivate another to see the errors they are making and show how right the concerned one is. That causes strife and nothing more. Very few people are ever persuaded by an argument built on contention even if it's birthed from an intense love the concerned one has for the other.

Okay, so I received one of these calls today from one who I know loves me more than most (and would never be reading this or it wouldn't appear here!). I do understand the concern, but I wondered after the call if this person realized the strife that I felt hearing the words, words that were not helpful, but accusing. I don't mind this person's concern for my well-being and her hopes that I'm not getting overwhelmed with my duties in life. But when concern expresses itself with charges it's hard to see the concern anymore. All the person can see now are the charges, no love.

I would rather any and every day be the beneficiary of prayers to the One who has the strength I need than to receive a phone call of concern. As I pondered all that was spoken to me on the phone today, I thought "do I address people with my concerns for them before I ever whisper their names to the Almighty?" Then He reminded me of another phone call I received today from another who shared the verse above, Psalm 141:3, with me. He reminded me to keep that thought ever present in my heart so as I speak to others, my words are chosen carefully and only expressed after talking to Him. I want Him to be the keeper of the doors of my lips! And I want to always be consumed with the need to pray, pray, pray for those He puts around me and those He brings to my mind. I want to always pray first and then maybe a phone call.

James 5:16--"...pray one for another..."

disenchantment

2009-08-17T14:00:00.004-04:00

James 1:17--"Every good and every perfect gift is from above, and coming down from the Father of lights..."

I visited a newborn miracle this weekend. Sweet, tiny new one. My prayer is that his parents learn to trust in the One who is the giver of all good things. But also my prayer is that they never become disenchanted with what they have been given.

It is too easy to allow disenchantment--that "forgetting of the miraculous" that can happen as life progresses. Little ones born, adored, but then as they grow sometimes the miracle of who they are seems diminished. They go from the most special creature ever cuddled to a five year old who asks too many questions and won't calm down. Suddenly, disenchantment.

I feel like I pass by them often in many places. True, I am only seeing a glimpse, maybe they're treated with love at home. But when I see one of the little miracles being spoken to with almost disgust, I cry inside. Have the big people around them forgotten. Forgotten their miracle, forgotten how this one is extra special, this one is going to be brilliant. I cry in my heart sometimes when I see them. I want to tell them "you are brilliant, that's how the One who loves you most made you". It seems that when they are born and grow and begin behaving like us that it is easiest to become disenchanted with the amazing individuals they truly are made to be. Suddenly we don't understand where the spectacular creature went because this one seems to be less than what we hoped.

I want to see the beauty of what You have given in each of these sweet ones everyday. I want them to know that I see it in them. I don't want to look at them as mine because I know if I see them rightly as Yours, then the miracle of who they are stays with me. I don't ever want to be disenchanted.

Psalm 103:2--"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits"

meteor showers--waiting for blessings

2009-08-15T10:13:00.002-04:00

Ezekiel 34:26--"And I will make them and the places round about my hill a blessing; and I will cause the shower to come down in his season; there shall be showers of blessing."

The other night, when preparing to return to our rooms at our little beach vacation, my sister received a phone call from her oldest son. He informed her that that night and the one after just happened to be the best viewing nights for a meteor shower. My sister had never seen a "shooting star" so the idea of a shower of them was too appealing to pass up.

We never made it back to the rooms that night. My sister, my mom, and I, along with a new friend plopped ourselves in lawn chairs on the pool deck, laid back and started searching the sky. We watched the moon rise and knew the "shower" would not be seen until the sky became darkest so we waited. We talked and laughed and waited. Michelle, my sister, thought a shower meant the sky would be streaming with meteors one after the other so when our light show finally began, it required patience between meteors and really good eyes to catch them as it was easy to miss one if your eyes were focused on another portion of sky.

We stayed up almost all night and saw about a dozen meteors shoot across that beautiful sky. When we walked away, we were so filled with satisfaction and so glad we had patiently waited for each "shooting star" we saw.

The meteor shower reminded me of the LORD's blessings. When we have lived His way through difficult times, through empty times, through fearful times, and times of doubt, when we follow His way eventually you see them--His "meteors"--His blessings.

They start to appear, sometimes we have to wait through even the darkest sky, but then they show up. He is faithful and when His way is followed, blessings will come. There is no question about it, it does happen.

The darkness is a guarantee also, maybe that's not the greatest news, but we are not in heaven yet and we've been warned about the tribulations and trials. He has been so good to us in that way, letting us know that the sorrows will come. All we can do is just keep following Him and hang on tight and wait...then the light show begins. If we're paying close attention, we will see when those blessings show up. They're not always jumbled close together. Sometimes we're still waiting and hanging on tight in between, but after years pass and we look back...we can be amazed by how much we've seen.

All it takes is obedience and waiting. The question is are we up to the challenge of doing just that?

Malachi 3:10--"Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it."

I'm resting in the Shepherd's fold

2009-08-09T23:30:00.003-04:00

Psalm 23--"He leadeth me beside paths of righteousness for His name's sake"

I'm listening to waves crash right now. Sitting under a large, but not full, reddish moon peeking through clouds showering glimmers of light on the ocean.

This is where we come every year. Our crew and extended family.

Especially for this occasion, I gathered all the pictures I had ever taken of our times here together and put them in one album for all of us to look at (and laugh at). Looking over the last twenty years or so, I've noticed one main thing. I see God's grace and mercy on our family.

I see the benefit of following His ways even when the doubts were crashing in my mind like waves on the shore. Doubts that I now recognize as darts from one who seeks to destroy anything that brings glory to the Worthy One. We somehow allowed His yoke to pull us His way and that saved us much heartache.

I see His favor on us. He blessed the tiniest offerings we offered to Him and gave back more than we could contain until we are now overflowing. It is simply because He has blessed us and we know it and are amazed and thankful.

I see His mercy. There were times over the years when my own rebellion turned a deaf ear to what I knew was right and brought me to the brink of deciding to go the way of selfishness. I grumpily got back in line, with pout and whine, and He kept me. Looking back I cringe at what may have been had I acted out my rebellion. He is a good Shepherd and comes for those who are His.

I see the reason for clinging to Him. The world's way is as reliable as the sand underfoot with each new wave leaving us wobbly and unable to stand firm. But His ways are solid and firm as building on a rock.

He has been so good to us.

Psalm 23--"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life"

following

2009-08-07T05:50:00.004-04:00

One thing I know to be true is they belong to Him, not me. I don't know if I knew that when the oldest, Jake, was born. It's probably something that sunk in during his toddler years when his own sinfulness was overshadowed by behavior he obviously learned from me. That's when the fear struck hard, fear that I was leading one who belonged to Someone Else down a wrong road.

I hit the brick wall of my own sinfulness when Jake was two. Till then, I had been excusing my own actions, blaming them on the injustice of other peoples' sins. Once I saw my own guiltiness walking around in front of me, acting just like me, my mirror image in a two year old, I asked the One who can to change me. The road was difficult, but He is able to take even the most unruly piece of clay and mold it into something useful. So after years of molding and being thrown in the kiln (a few times--due to my own stiff neck), this piece of pottery serves some purpose. Even more important, the ones He sent us are learning to serve a purpose.

Oldest is now encouraging me. I visit his blog and find hard hitting words of a young man who's learning to be a soldier for Christ. I read the words and they remind me to pray. Pray because he wants to go the way of Truth and that is a tough path in the world that surrounds him. Pray because he has an enemy who looks for any foothold. Pray that he remembers that that enemy is nothing next to the One who has called him. Pray that he runs the race without slowing or changing direction because his hope lies in One who is the way.

A year or so ago, he ran cross country at the high school. I watched when he ran and I thought how can he keep going without resting. I enjoyed running too, but I could never go the distance he went. I pray that he also goes farther in his race with Christ than this piece of clay he was born to. I pray that they all do.

Writing never came easy to Jake. He never seemed to be inclined to sit down and gather thoughts. But now the words come out and land on the screen. The words come from others who exhort him, from studying the Word that is eternal, from his inward parts that no one can see, but the One who called him.

All the children belong to Him. Husband and I cannot promise them much. We can't promise them a future or even that we will never leave them because we don't hold tomorrow. But He promises them those very things and so much more. He can deliver on the promises. They are His. They have just been put here with us to aim them in His direction. It's a gift He gives--these children. We are blessed in the process of teaching them His way.

They watch and mimic. We know they learned it from someone and sometimes that means we must surrender again so as not to mislead the ones who belong to Another. Through our surrender, we get closer to Him. That's the blessing, a closer walk with the One who we also belong to.

I know of no better way to lead them to Him than to have them follow me following Him.

Deuteronomy 31:13--"...that their children, which have not known any thing, may hear, and learn to fear the LORD..."

Jake's site: hebrews13-6.blogspot.com

felt the icy waters of the Ichetucknee River today

2009-08-03T22:49:00.003-04:00

Psalm 30:5--"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

To me it feels a little like plunging yourself into a glass of ice water--going tubing in the Ichetucknee, that is.

I just tucked the six year old in bed with kisses and prayers. That was the event I had eagerly waited for since mid morning today. His day started with excitement about a trip with friends. But when we reached the Ichetucknee River and the 40% chance of rain became definite for us, he just looked at me in that boat waiting for him to join me and simply shook his head "no."

Of course, he had no choice, no other options, so he ended up in that leaking boat with me sitting in about 3 inches of icy cold water, floating down a river, exposed to the elements and the elements making their presence known with lightning and a drenching downpour. Poor little fella had just wanted to have a fun day, but then he was sitting there with no head cover, freezing from the top from cold rain and freezing from the bottom from icy river water, little lips shivering as he said "I want to go home" and I couldn't do anything to make him more comfortable. All I could do was reassure him that we were going there after we got out of the boat, never mentioning that he wasn't leaving it for a few hours.

I thought about how I could hardly wait for tonight when I would tuck him in with his cozy covers and have him safe and warm.

Well, the rain calmed down and the sun peaked through a couple of times. There was a picnic lunch. He got a new partner in the boat, big brother, Jake, who made it more fun. They created waves with the boat and splashed everyone with their oar. By the time he left, he had decided he wanted to be a diver and talked about what a great time he had.

I don't know if he had forgotten the earlier misery, but apparently it had become less of a focal point because he was now enjoying the fun that had come after.

Maybe we're supposed to do that too. Sometimes we go through tough times early in life, but when the LORD brings us through them, why hang on to the misery of what had been? I've been blessed beyond my greatest dreams since the times of hurts and fears. I still remember them and have grown a lot because of them, but I'm not experiencing pain like that now and I'm free to enjoy the blessings He's given me. It's taken me a lot longer to learn this than it apparently took Ethan. As I tucked him in a few minutes ago, he was still talking about his great day and never even mentioned rain, cold, and misery, just how much fun his day was.

Job 42:12--"So the Lord blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning..."

fruits from the One whose hands ARE big enough

2009-08-01T01:03:00.005-04:00

Psalm 23:5--"...my cup runneth over."

I sat down this week to finally sort through the past years papers, reading lists, completed assignments (and half-completed assignments), art work, expressions in writing, and such. Honestly, this was not a time I had looked forward to. The last year brought much joy, but a large dose of chaos, too.
You see, I am not an incredible homemaker or a superb homeschooler. The only reason I even know how to cook was due to a course I needed in junior college. Not everyone learns how to keep home when they're growing up. Sometimes families are struggling to survive so training little ones for future roles may not happen. I've wrestled with my less-than-perfect homemaking ways for years, gleaning from women who I listen intently to either in person, in books, or even via the Internet. But this past year was very difficult. I proved I am no juggler, multitasker, or wonder woman.
We threw a sweet bundle of blue-eyed sunshine into our mix, an unexpected bundle who was named Lily, so lovingly by her daddy. After her arrival, all my juggling balls fell to the floor where they remain even now. I struggled through with little "precious pants" on my hip. Many times offering meals that were quick but lacking nutrients, a home where dust bunnies and cobwebs thrived, and a very short attention span for four other little arrows who sometimes just needed to talk.
But the homeschooling was my big concern. What did I plan to teach the Kindergartner this week? Where did I put the third grader's math book? Have I assigned the seventh grader any writing at all? Is that horrible smell the science experiment high school man has left on the counter for two months now? By the end of the year, I was spent and didn't know why, considering it seemed I had accomplished very little. I realized I could not be a candidate for having our family picture on any home school magazine. I mean no one drew a copy of da Vinci's Mona Lisa on the carport with sidewalk chalk. No one built a replica of the Eiffel Tower with Lego's. Honestly, I was just thrilled that by April our little blue-eyed sunshine decided to stop waking up three or four times a night so Sweet Man and I could experience that phantom--sleep.
The good news came when I finally sat down to evaluate our little arrows. It's just a paper I put in the portfolio, but it has one thing I like to pause and think about. Just a spot to list strengths and weaknesses. As I began pondering the strengths this year, my eyes were open to the overlooked. The thing that is more important to me than their test scores...their character. Especially the two olders, how amazingly they have blessed this somewhat harried mother this year. Showing fruits of the One who they've invited in. Patience carefully targeted at the ones who often bother them. Gentleness poured on little blue eyes whose arrival often cost them their mother's attention. Self-control exercised when they had reason to argue. Joy when they saw this woman with a "sharp nose", as teenage girl calls it, her term for angry me...joy spreading so I would smile back and many times it worked! All summed up, they excelled in love! What more could I have hoped for this year? Memorization of facts, knowledge of scientific theories, awards that will sit atop a shelf? No...I'll take the love. Maybe this next year we'll reach for some of those other achievements, but this was the year that character grew, the year that love infiltrated these little arrows and Sweet Man and I reaped quite a harvest. When the Lord of the harvest touches something His blessing is more than we can hold.....so spills out some of my overflowing cup onto this blog.

Daniel 1:17--"As for these four children, God gave them knowledge and skill in all learning and wisdom"

worship in the quiet

2009-07-28T23:11:00.003-04:00

Ezekiel 8:7--"And he brought me to the door of the court; and when I looked, behold a hole in the wall."

I want to worship in spirit and in truth, I want that kind of closeness with You
I sense the nudging inside, the words from You, "they that worship...must worship him in spirit and in truth", You remind me that some of what I call worship really is not because I have held back
I give praise to You with pen and paper sometimes, with keyboard and fingers at others, but I feel You nudging me, reminding me
You want my quiet times too
My times when my head hits my pillow and thoughts come
Where do I let them lead me, what do I allow my mind to dwell on, is my worship evident when it's just You there knowing what I allow my mind to chew on
I can sense the nudging-"Hey, I want your quiet times too, when no one sees but Me, I want your thoughts not only on paper, but the innermost thoughts that no one else knows, give them to Me"
This reminds me of Ezekiel and the hole in the wall, His people were committing abominations, but looking even closer through the hole in the wall there were even greater abominations, things thought hidden
I want a closer walk, I want You to see to the innermost parts and be pleased
I can hide nothing from You, my weak times-when I'm alone with thoughts-I want those times to be full of worship too
That is when true faith is evident when it is lived just between You and me
If I can live it then, then I'll be worshiping in spirit and in truth

Ezekiel 8:12--"...hast thou seen what the ancients...do in the dark, every man in the chambers of his imagery? for they say, The LORD seeth us not;"

the beginning of knowledge

2009-07-26T23:30:00.004-04:00

Prov. 14:26-27--"In the fear of the LORD is strong confidence: and his children shall have a place of refuge. The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death."

I do not fully understand the fear of the LORD as it is written about in Scripture. I know many people refer to it as highest respect for God not actual fear. In the notes in my Bible, it refers to it as "reverential trust" and "hatred of evil". I certainly see how it would include all of those, but also more.

I remember being in sixth grade and having a somewhat unusual friendship develop. The school we attended had a bad reputation, not known to be a very safe place. I rarely ever spoke to anyone, but somehow there was a girl named Harriet in my class who took a liking to me. She was huge. She had to have been at least a foot taller than anyone else. No one bothered Harriet. She called me "lil' wan" and she stayed near me and let it be known that no one should dare mess with me. I don't know why she liked me so, but I was thankful for the protection. I didn't really fear Harriet myself, but if I wasn't on her side I would have. She was tough, I was not. Anyone I would have feared was smaller than her so being under her protection, I feared no one.

I guess that's how I see the fear of the LORD. He is certainly worthy to be feared. He is the most powerful. He controls all things. I would not want to be opposed to Him. Anything I would tend to fear is smaller than Him and under His control. If I'm on His side, those things suddenly lose their power to instill fear because I'm under the protection of the One who has power over them. He alone is worthy to be feared. If all my fear is wrapped up in Him, I have no reason to fear anything else. Only He offers me promise and hope.

The closer I get to Him, the larger He looms before me, and the more I realize just how little I actually understand and just how amazing His grace is that He would count me as His.

Proverbs 1:7--"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge..."

whatsoever things are of good report

2009-07-23T08:49:00.002-04:00

Luke's and Ethan's list of what's good news

Going to a friend's house and having fun
Eating a fudge round treat
Hearing Lily say someone's name
Playing with Lily
Reading the Bible
Going swimming
Holding Grandma's new baby bunnies
Going to Daytona Beach
Going on vacation to Gatlinburg
Learning the books of the Bible
Playing with toys
Laying on soft cozy pillows
Lily giving kisses
Mommy tucking us in and praying at night
Going to Granny's house
Catching lizards
Playing in the sprinkler
Catching minnows
Watching a movie with Jake and Emily
Vacation Bible School
Meeting new friends
Making and eating cookies
Cooking in the kitchen
When Lily smiles and laughs
Jake building us a tent in the living room
Playing the tooth fairy game
Daddy coming home
Daddy wrestling with us
Jake building us legos
Emily letting us play in her room
Going to the volleyball games and the playground
Spending the night at Grandma's
Going to Camp
Going to the park with a picnic (what we're doing today!)

Phil. 4:8--"...whatsoever things are of good report...think on these things"

how can I doubt

2009-07-22T12:24:00.004-04:00

how can I doubt You?
there is no greater waste of my time than to question You
thank You that You place young ones around me to remind me what is most important
a seventeen year old who points me to You
using an unusual method, music that fills his ears daily
music with a message--praise to You, worship with an odd beat
"Mom listen to this song, did you hear the chorus?"
Thank You for the words from one who is learning to follow You and not doubt
words that praise a risen, almighty One
words that show me who the dear ones need to rely on
words that focus on You and no one else

"Angels surrounding His throne and
Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
The whole earth is full of His glory
All nations bow to His name
His majesty fills the Heavens
Our hearts give thunderous praise
Declare the Lord is forever
Make a joyful noise in this place"
Joyful Noise by Flame

They innocently point me back to You
sometimes not realizing how they are exhorting their own mom, they are being the church to me in many ways
They give back to me what I've tried to give to them over the years oftentimes I've had doubts of any effectiveness on my part, but now they minister to me, pouring out some of what has been poured into them and I get blessed.
I appreciate Your boomerang effect, You knew I would need it. You prepared me to pass it to them so they would be ready to pass it back to me when a time came that they would be the only ones who could reach me at this depth
I trust whatever Your plan may be, after what You have done, how can I doubt

afraid

2009-07-22T00:11:00.003-04:00

Psalm 56:3--"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee."

There are times when I talk of my trust in You much better than I live it

When a child is late getting home or that strange pain comes back in those times I fear and do more crying than trusting

The "what-if's" become shadows that hover over me threatening and taunting me

My heart aches in fear, fear that life may take a turn I'm not ready for

I am weakest of the weak at those times

I repeat Your words to me "...without faith it is impossible to please Him"

And I know I am not pleasing You

Convinced that I know what is best for me and the dear ones

Wavering, doubting,...like the one who walks away from the looking glass and forgets what her own image looks like

Forgetting whose I am, forgetting who has performed all the amazing feats in this life of mine already

Forgetting the lump of clay I was and the beautiful vessel You are shaping for Your glory, forgetting all that You have done

I try to remind myself to trust You, for my hope lies only in You

But I am Peter and I have taken a couple of steps on the water walking to You until now--I have looked at the waves, they have swallowed me, and in the fury of the waters, my view of You is obstructed

Help me to trust beyond what I can see, beyond my own logic and understanding of how this life "should" proceed

If walking through a fire is what You plan for glory to be brought to You, then stay in it with me and let me see You with me so that I may walk through it with the faith that will encourage the dear ones

You know all my pleas, now help me to leave them with You, in faith remembering that whatever You allow, You are God alone and You have the plans--for me and for the dear ones

Psalm 56:3--"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee."

my adversity--His gift 1

2009-07-20T08:15:00.001-04:00

Romans 5:2-5--"...and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope; And hope maketh not ashamed;"

Even typing the title to this, I had doubts about my own words and then after thinking on it for about a week, I thought "no, that's right, I do think of them (my adversities) as gifts".

I have been more blessed in my life through adversities than any other blessing minus my children. I cannot possibly list the ways I've been blessed by them in one blog so I added a number one after the title, knowing this will be continued!

For years, I struggled to understand why the One who loves me most would allow painful events in life. I had heard people refer to tribulations as growth opportunities, but being in the midst of them, I felt more knocked down than anything else. I even heard people when I was younger saying that they had learned to be thankful for their trials. I allowed for the possibility that one day maybe I could see things differently and appreciate them, except for one trial. I told the Lord I would never be able to be grateful for depression. Having gone through a handful of years of crying spells, creeping darkness hovering over me, crying till no more tears came, about nothing in particular just crying for no real reason, then staying wide awake from insomnia afterwards, the following days feeling like a zombie with no emotions at all, hiding my weirdness from others because I didn't know what was wrong with me and now I'm still not sure if I should even write these words because it just doesn't sound normal and sometimes no matter how hard the rebel in me struggles, I still do want to be normal! But I guess the one word to describe it all came to be depression. And I knew I would never be grateful for it. I went to talk with someone once, but I was confused and didn't know what to call the craziness in my head so the person I sought advice from had nothing to offer me so I never went to talk to anyone again. Just held on tight to the Lord and cried to Him and questioned Him and even doubted Him. But He had a plan. I know I'll not be able to fully figure out why He allowed things like the depression, but I look back now and I see some things He gave me through that, things I wouldn't have gotten otherwise. One of the biggest for me was the lesson He taught me through the words of someone else. I read about depression after figuring that's what it must be and I read that we are not to live by our feelings, but by our wills. And I realized that as a believer, my will was to line up with His will. I was young and no one had told me that yet so it was profound to me, a lesson that has saved me from a lot of troubles in this life. I learned that lesson about nineteen years ago right before He relieved me of the depression. He is a mystery to me, His ways are a mystery to me. But I know He is trustworthy no matter what He allows me to go through and I'm thankful now that He allowed me one of the most difficult struggles early on. Ha! There I go I guess I am actually thankful for the depression now after all. He is good.