Romans 5:2-5--"...and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope; And hope maketh not ashamed;"
Even typing the title to this, I had doubts about my own words and then after thinking on it for about a week, I thought "no, that's right, I do think of them (my adversities) as gifts".
I have been more blessed in my life through adversities than any other blessing minus my children. I cannot possibly list the ways I've been blessed by them in one blog so I added a number one after the title, knowing this will be continued!
For years, I struggled to understand why the One who loves me most would allow painful events in life. I had heard people refer to tribulations as growth opportunities, but being in the midst of them, I felt more knocked down than anything else. I even heard people when I was younger saying that they had learned to be thankful for their trials. I allowed for the possibility that one day maybe I could see things differently and appreciate them, except for one trial. I told the Lord I would never be able to be grateful for depression. Having gone through a handful of years of crying spells, creeping darkness hovering over me, crying till no more tears came, about nothing in particular just crying for no real reason, then staying wide awake from insomnia afterwards, the following days feeling like a zombie with no emotions at all, hiding my weirdness from others because I didn't know what was wrong with me and now I'm still not sure if I should even write these words because it just doesn't sound normal and sometimes no matter how hard the rebel in me struggles, I still do want to be normal! But I guess the one word to describe it all came to be depression. And I knew I would never be grateful for it. I went to talk with someone once, but I was confused and didn't know what to call the craziness in my head so the person I sought advice from had nothing to offer me so I never went to talk to anyone again. Just held on tight to the Lord and cried to Him and questioned Him and even doubted Him. But He had a plan. I know I'll not be able to fully figure out why He allowed things like the depression, but I look back now and I see some things He gave me through that, things I wouldn't have gotten otherwise. One of the biggest for me was the lesson He taught me through the words of someone else. I read about depression after figuring that's what it must be and I read that we are not to live by our feelings, but by our wills. And I realized that as a believer, my will was to line up with His will. I was young and no one had told me that yet so it was profound to me, a lesson that has saved me from a lot of troubles in this life. I learned that lesson about nineteen years ago right before He relieved me of the depression. He is a mystery to me, His ways are a mystery to me. But I know He is trustworthy no matter what He allows me to go through and I'm thankful now that He allowed me one of the most difficult struggles early on. Ha! There I go I guess I am actually thankful for the depression now after all. He is good.
O dear sister-in-Christ...
ReplyDeleteYou are not the only one who has battled depression. I'm guessing you would look at me and think I've never battled it because of my loud and outspoken ways. But I have. Yep, I sure have. I understand the darkness you speak of, the lonliness, the zombie-like feeling deep inside. It isn't pretty and it isn't easy. I would guess Angel that many, if not most of us, have battled some form of depression but many people, like you and me, don't want to tell others how we're suffering.
I love you dear sister and I, like you, thank Him deeply and gratefully for the trials for they have made me the Believer I am. God's working in us sister!
Angel, I am so very thankful for your honesty because I know someone needed to hear this. God is using you in so many way to minister to others through this blog. When I was growing up, we were not allowed to say the word, "depressed", so about 2 years ago when I went through something (that would have seemed so minor to the world), I thought I would die inside....cried constantly....and could not "get it together", I refused to call is what it was because of my upbringing...but it had to be depression and it was through finally admitting this to myself and to God that He was able to bring me through. Thank you for a great post!
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