ten years ago

Our middle guy's journey into this world began with heart break for me. I knew that particular pregnancy was different very early on...much sicker, clothes tighter much sooner. I suspected there were two of them in there. The doctor asked about doing an ultrasound on my first check-up. Our last pregnancy had ended in miscarriage and he said oftentimes they like to have an ultrasound early on in the next pregnancy to make sure all is well. I knew that might be true, but I also knew he suspected two were in my womb also. He had already said my uterus was larger than it typically would be at that stage, but I didn't let on that I knew what he was trying to confirm.

He confirmed it...there were two. But Luke's little partner had not made it, only Luke's little heart was beating.

I did not cry in the doctor's office...so silly how we sometimes muffle the emotions so we don't make others uncomfortable or so others won't know our sorrow. Like wounded animals that run away to die, we carry our grief to a quiet place and then suffer alone.

Sometimes after Luke made his grand entry, I felt like the loss I still felt for the one who didn't make it overshadowed the love I felt for Luke. When the "twin" word was mentioned or if there were a set of twins Luke's age nearby, I felt bitterness or anger because my something special had been taken from me. After two years of having him, I realized I had concentrated more on my loss than the precious one I had gained.

My something special turned ten yesterday. My special one who cares so deeply for others and hurts more deeply sometimes too...he marked a decade of life. He knows about his twin. I shared that with him very early on. But I never told him how I felt I had failed him the first two years of his life while I was grieving, how I've tried to make up for those two years ever since by showering love and affection. A mother's heart can experience a deep repentance when she feels she has failed in some way.

That feeling of failure lingers. Occasionally, I catch a glimpse of him or hear him saying words that amaze me and I think how could I have ever dwelt on the lost one so much and not spent that energy relishing every sound he made or every facial expression he exhibited as a little baby.

He enthralls me. He reads constantly and shares facts with me...some that I've read myself as an adult, others that are news to me. He reminds me to pray for people he's heard about, people his heart is concerned about. He watches movies and sees messages in them that are filled with lessons from the Bible. He shares everything with his little brother. He cherishes friends. He loves people. He gave his life to Christ last year and has struggled through his own fight with his flesh even this young, learning to go his Lord's way instead of his own.

This weekend his big brother came home from a church youth trip with a new Bible. Jake had recently received a new Bible so he didn't need it. Luke wanted it so badly so yesterday for his birthday, big brother gave it to him with this inscription "Presented to Luke Rhoden by Jake Rhoden, From the brother that loves you. Keep Christ first."

So many times good moments are experienced in a family and you know it is simply God's blessing because you're just not worthy of the goodness in those moments and nothing you have done has made them happen, but He has set it in motion when little ones have let go of you the parent and grabbed hold of Another.