He wakes up each morning and types a few words of encouragement on a laptop and then heads to work. "Work" is a strange word for it considering we had planned on him filling out applications here and there, then simply settling for what he could find to give him a small, first time income, but this place he goes to was not in our plans. Someone else came up with this. He goes eagerly each day, learning the ropes in the field of ministry, living outside himself, something I'm not sure I've ever been really good at.
As he has reached this age of "sort of" adulthood, I admit there have been times when I've gotten a little defensive with him. My flesh has surfaced more than once when he's resisted something I've spoken about and instead vocalized his own thoughts on the subject. There has been a natural tendency to want to remind him who carried him in the womb, who cared for him and taught him all these years, but then in the quiet the ever Faithful reminds me of what my goal has been for them all. "That they will follow Him".
As I stay home more than usual lately, and watch him going to work, to services, to places far away to minister by building churches, I'm reminded that though I go through trials of my faith, he is no longer following me, but the Great One, Christ Himself, who does not fail. What more could I want? Certainly, not for that child of mine to follow me.
There is a fleshly desire, I believe, that makes me want them all to stand by what their mother says and always remain faithfully devoted to me and reverence me as that special person, the likes of which they will never find again in their lives. But when I see that desire for what it really is, nothing more than my selfishness seeking honor and obeisance for no purpose more than to simply build me up, that's when I'm able to laugh at me and such silliness. Then I can say quietly, in my heart, out of the hearing of them all, "go strong, God's man, follow Him, He will not fail you, though I will, He will keep you and I can't, go strong and I won't try to hold on to you, I will only cry happy tears as you walk away with Him."
I want them all to let go of me and grab hold of the True One. I do not want their allegiance. I cannot do for them what He can. Even as I struggle, I can have no greater joy than to know that these children walk in the truth.
I cannot begin to tell you how much Jake blessed Mike on the mission trip. Before they ever even left, Mike was touched by this young man's passion for Christ. I understand you so well my sister! Been there...the hardest thing sometimes is to simply lay your adult children at the feet of Christ. I don't know why we struggle so when we know He only has what is best for them. After all, He is the ultimate parent....but this is our flesh and a battle we will fight until we draw our last breath. I am also going through some things right now where I must succumb and let my youngest go, let him expereince whatever he needs to experience to draw closer to Christ. I praise God that He sees the much bigger picture. I also praise Him for what He is doing in our youth!
ReplyDeleteThat transition is one of the most difficult I believe a parent experiences...when our children begin moving from under our wings to flying on their own...I have had to bite my tongue many a time the last 2 years, and I continue to struggle with keeping my "2 cents" to myself...but the prize of seeing God work in their lives in ways we could never imagine, big and small ways, is such a blessing!
ReplyDeletep.s. we love having Jake in the office with us!
ReplyDelete"Letting Go" has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I believe it is for most moms. I think for all of us Moms, letting go is harder. We carried them and birthed them and our hearts beat together for a season. They were and will always be a part of us.
ReplyDeleteYou have guided your oldest arrow well. He is walking with God, learning and growing from his own accomplishments and failures. All the while, his faith is maturing and God is in control. You have done well with this arrow Angel. He is God's man now.