His grace

I've recently been reading a book about George Washington. In it is the story of how he became leader of the Continental Army. He knew a recommendation was coming soon to the Congress for who should be the commander and he suspected they may choose him. He confided with a friend in Congress that he felt unable to carry out such a task so he asked his friend to dissuade them from choosing him, as his friend did, but he was chosen unanimously. He did accept the position, but with the following words: "...I beg it may be remembered...that I, this day, declare with utmost sincerity, I do not think myself equal to the command I am honored with." Somewhat scary words considering the responsibility he had just assumed. But later on in a letter to Martha, he wrote these words "...I go fully trusting in that Providence, which has been more bountiful to me than I deserve..." That just gives me a picture of how to handle praise---with warning to the givers of one's lacking and knowledge that anything good that comes is provided by the Almighty.

Praise is very humbling when you're the recipient of it and you know the truth. The truth of "if they only knew"...if they only could realize how much of what they see is the result of nothing but the grace of the Everlasting Father.

His grace is especially evident when raising kids. His grace covers a multitude of imperfections in any parent. Two very flawed individuals seem like they would pass on a heritage of disaster to unsuspecting offspring, but when He is included in the picture...It's like someone taking some of the most questionable ingredients, mixing them, baking them together, and ending up with an appealing culinary creation that pleases all who taste. It doesn't make sense, but that's because we are limited in our understanding and cannot comprehend His infinite ways of piecing together the craziest of jigsaw puzzles.

After spending years praying over little ones and pleading for mercy for them, considering the humans they were born from, suddenly it's possible to see a harvest of grace. Traits in them that had to have been planted by Him. Answered prayers that were prayed for them that the parent could never have been responsible for making happen. He is good to those who honor Him. There is no denying that. He is forgiving of imperfections in His own and His grace covers them.

His ways continue to baffle me because my brain works in the human way...the "try to figure it out" way. He takes those who are insignificant and incapable and allows them to be the caretakers of His possessions, and it looks like the individuals actually know what they're doing. The important part is making sure that those who lavish praise are reminded who it should be given to.

I Samuel 2:30--"...for them that honor me I will honor..."

still don't know what a typical day is supposed to be like

As a homeschooler, I have worked hard over the years to plan our days well. I have created numerous schedules, chore charts, menus, lesson plans, things to do lists, and probably have been responsible for a few acres of precious timber needlessly being harvested with the paper I've wasted since most of my plans are never followed.

Often when reading books about homeschooling, there is that one section where a typical daily schedule is presented. I'm laughing just thinking about it now because after these eleven, almost twelve, homeschooling years, I still don't think I've ever actually experienced a typical day. I've made the plans and certainly intended to follow them, but I'm just not that structured. We wake up on time, but instead of what I had planned for breakfast...hey, how about pancakes. And then there's the really interesting conversation that starts at breakfast and finds us still there an hour later. (We do a lot of talking around the table!) And of course, if a stray critter shows up, we have to catch it or one of the kids might do something so cool...get the video camera out. We just never seem to have the time to fit a schedule in this life.

I have certainly not been the best example of a wise steward of time, and one day each of them may be shocked for just a couple of days when they enter the world and realize there are time constraints, but I think they'll be okay after a few days. I do not totally regret the spontaneous nature of our family life. Some of our best lessons have been taught over conversations that erupted out of events that benched my plans for the day. A lot of Scriptures have been discussed over extended breakfasts. Much sibling bonding has happened when we've delayed opening the books and decided to enjoy each other for a while instead.

I'll probably continue my pattern of lists, schedules, and various other organizing tools that use up a lot of paper and look really great on the frig, but I'll not be one to demand anyone to follow them precisely, just maybe as a slight suggestion. Even today as the two younger boys were playing, I heard the youngest correcting the older, saying "You said you would...Let your yes be yes and your no be no." That was one of those Scripture lessons we halted school for years ago when high school man was tiny. He's been passing all those things to them over the years so I'm okay with our rather unscheduled ways.

Psalm 16:11--"Thou wilt show me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore."

forty-seven years later

My husband highlighted a verse in his Bible years ago and wrote my name next to it. Proverbs 12:4--"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones." The big question for me has always been "so which one am I?" And I'm not joking on this one, I'm capable of causing a mess. But he is an optimist and declares that I'm the former not the latter. That's just his way, willing to give the benefit of the doubt. Forty-seven years ago today, the LORD put him here on this planet. And I am the recipient of the greatest blessings because of that. To recognize him on his special day I'm posting something I wrote about him on Father's Day on my facebook notes. He is a man who stands firm.

-Twenty years ago I was a newly wed who honestly didn't know what I was doing even being married. I certainly did not have the maturity to choose a good man to be my husband or to be the father of my children. That's not where my mind was. My mind was struggling with just learning to be grown up! Fortunately, there is One whose way is so far above mine. He put a sweet man right where he needed to be so we could find each other and be together. I have had such a great vantage point in watching the making of an incredible man. He would have to be incredible to tolerate living with me. That was not a task for any other man! But it's Preach the father that I've watched over the years and seen the transformation in. Preach did like a lot of dads. When Jake, our first, was born, he would always help with baths and diapers. But what was most amazing about him was his attitude. Always up. Never tired of dealing with a baby or the very hormonal mother of the baby. Patience was just his character so it didn't really matter if he had read the parenting books or not, his character was more help to me than any advice from a book could have been. As the years passed, we both saw the huge responsibility of steering our kids in the right direction. Emily came then Luke and by this time we had chosen to teach our children at home. This may seem like it wouldn't be such a difficult choice to some, but this sweet man grew up in a county where homeschooling was not a popular thing to consider at the time and that year we were just moving back there. He's a Baker County Wildcat graduate and people out here are very supportive of their schools so this went against the grain in a big way. He didn't blink though. When he listened to my concerns and prayed about it, he agreed and we began a different way of living, but a good one! He's handled most of the problems we've faced the same way, listening and prayer. When our fourth, Ethan, was born, he was delivered by c-section. The doctor stood over me with Preach right there and said a couple of times "are you sure you don't want me to take care of some things while I've got you opened up, I'm right here and can do it with no problem?" I told him no, something just didn't feel good about doing that right then even though we didn't plan to have more children. Preach didn't blink again, didn't even ask me to consider it since he knew I didn't feel comfortable with that. He never made jokes about having enough or being finished. He's always been glad when we found out any of the kids were on their way. He's the one who comforted me for the first two weeks after we found out Lily was coming, big surprise there! He is so thankful for his "five arrows" and has sacrificed a lot for them without complaining. He is an avid hunter who hardly gets to hunt. A man who enjoys watching news and sports, but has given up his t.v. because the influence on the kids was questionable. He is still learning how to parent just like me, but he knows what his responsibility is: To guide all these little ones in the right direction. A lot of dads carry pictures of their kids around, but we have five kids who are all walking pictures of their daddy in some way. Jake has his dad's easy going nature. It makes him great to work with. Emily has his confidence. Someone could come up and say something insulting to her and she wouldn't think of taking it personally, it just doesn't bother her. (Being incredibly sensitive, I still don't understand that one!) But that's how her daddy is. Luke has his daddy's heart to know the Lord. He's so intrigued by the Bible and wants to follow it, a lot of that is from Preach. Ethan has his daddy's freedom. Nothing inhibits him, he's just free to be. And then there's Lily. She's still young, but if you're around her for just a few seconds, you'll see Preach when she smiles. His ear to ear smile is right on her face.-

As we get older, Preach's expressions of love to me have resembled more and more the love of Christ for His church. As to the verse he labeled with my name, I have one that reminds me of him also and it follows.

Psalm 1:3--"He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; And whatsoever he does shall prosper."

breathing freely

There is freedom in humility. When there is no point in trying to impress anyone, for the lacking in self is most evident, then humility pops up its head and says now live like He made you to live. Ahhh, freedom!

Of course, it's the road traveled to reach that place of humility that's difficult for the proud, like me! A person can become focused on living so as not to let others down instead of living to glorify Him. Years of this can go by without seeing the mistake, after all if you're doing what is good and right who's going to complain. But when the will gets tired and starts to question the motives and the point of it all, then true colors show and sometimes they're not very appealing. If His seed is planted in the heart, then it will show itself through the struggle with self, but misery comes during that tug of war. The kind of misery that should come, the kind that detours from what would hurt us.

After the misery, comes the whining that no one likes to hear so I'm careful not to share it except in the writing sometimes! Whining because I haven't had MY way, after all haven't I "come a long way, baby", I've been told that I'm "worth it", and I've been around long enough now to know that I "have to love myself before I can love anyone else". Messages from this chaotic world infiltrate even minds that are set apart for Him and although I have never agreed with the messages, those ideas can be found even in my own whining to Him.

When finding myself rolled up in the fetal position spiritually, it's easy to see the small person that I am and be amazed because in spite of my smallness and my lacking, I know He is still there. He shows Himself in ways that amaze me, ways that could never be spoken with words, but He is obvious with His care for me and mine. I feel His eyes on me like they must have been on Peter that night so long ago when his own determination saw its end as he protected what was most dear to him, his plans for his life. What shame must have been felt as Those eyes caught his own in the moment when Peter denied that very One who had given him everything good. Peter could not have gotten lower than that and that was right where he needed to be, in the lowest place, so as Christ's prayers for him were heard, in the agony of Peter's awareness of his lowliness, he must have been newly outfitted in humility. For how could he glory in himself now, as was likely his nature before. He had to know how feeble he was and after Christ restored him, he had to know how great was his God. Suddenly humility must have popped up its head and said now live like He made you to live.

Just checking my own motives in the living lately.

Proverbs 22:4--"By humility and the fear of the LORD are riches, and honor, and life."

times when I feel like walking

There are days, and a lot of them in these past few months, when I feel like taking a sabbatical. However, the motherhood profession doesn't seem to allow such in the scheduling. Even still, as fields are allowed a break from the planting every so often and professors are allowed a break to rest or research, my mind longs for that also. I am not the epitome of a Proverbs 31 woman yet in this life. To act as though I am would be deceptive. I have very selfish ambitions I long to accomplish, like spending hours researching an event in history so I am certain I have the facts conquered before trying to tell my kids about it or becoming really good at just one thing as I have yet to become a master of any craft. Sometimes I just long to sit and write, write, write...without interruption.

It's easy to see when someone is self-centered, just listen for how many times she refers to herself as "I". I am not blind to my own selfishness. It is obvious in my writing, but also in my wants lately. It is in these times that the true gift of grace and the stability of faith are most real to me, for I do really feel like leaving all for just a while and this shows my character for what it really is...not too pretty.

Last night as I humbugged and dragged myself to bed, I shamefully found myself not even wanting to talk to the One who loves me most. As my fatigue with daily routines has worn me down and I have succumbed to selfish thoughts about my "I wants" lately, all I could mumble was "I have nothing to offer You right now". Of course, almost instantly, I laughed at my own words...as though I've ever had anything to offer Him. He has been most gracious and accepting of me and in return for the nothing I've ever offered Him, He has poured blessings out on me that can never be earned or achieved without His grace. Grace is most evident when we see ourselves for what we really are not what we convince ourselves we are based on accomplishments. When we are the poorest and lowest, grace becomes a treasure to hold tightly to and appreciate.

At the lowest of times, the mind can be bombarded with doubts. Is this really what I'm called to do? Can I maintain the course? I feel too weak to continue. Is there something else out there for me? Shameful thoughts, but they come and sometimes the mind listens when it shouldn't. For me, this is when the stability of my faith is checked. Do I really believe He's planned my future? Do I really believe He has better plans for me than I could devise on my own? Do I trust Him with my life? I must confess for the weak one typing on this keyboard it takes some wrestling with my selfish thoughts and agony in my spirit because I 'quietly' rebel against Him by mourning the loss of my selfish wants, before I finally come to the conclusion that "my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness". The stability of faith in Him preserves even when we are frail. Faith is a tight grip on the hand of rescue, if we trust the hand we don't let go.

Eventually, I hope strength comes and I become a mighty warrior for Him, although this warrior will probably walk softly and not too tall after seeing how lacking I really am. But I'm thankful for the keeping power of faith and grace.

Hebrews 11:1--"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

how we school on days like this

The weather calls us to a different school day than actually is planned on paper. Lesson plans are only to help not dictate.

So it's outside with all the kids after breakfast. Dressed in long sleeves finally, even though this weather only lasts a day or two where we live and then usually back to the 80's. For today, it is autumn and that changes our plans. No workbooks or paper or pens until the outside fun is finished. The public school year originally revolved around the farmers' planting seasons so children could be home to help when needed. So I don't mind changing my lesson plans due to conditions outside.

No they are not out helping with farming or gardens right now, just enjoying the weather and each other. We are lacking proper sports equipment right now so they are playing a mix of kickball and baseball using what they found. I'm sure I could search for lessons for them to learn out there like simple math for the young boys--"if baby Lily finds an ant bed and eats 43 ants, but spits out 38, then how many did she actually consume?" or for the older ones--"which of Newton's law of motion was exercised when the six foot three fella ran over the four foot child as he ran into home plate?" I suppose I could, but no, lessons will happen out there. Without even assigning them.

Usually these are when a lot of character lessons come. One has a bad attitude-time for a lesson. One says ugly words to another-another lesson. One decides the game should be changed because he's not winning--lesson time. They're not all negative lessons though. They learn to enjoy each other's company. They build memories with each other. They learn to watch over each other. And they learn to take advantage of moments that present themselves, moments like today that are better spent with each other than even with words in a book...and I love words in a book.

Ecclesiastes 3:1--"To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:"

hormones were His creation also

I tend to be argumentative. When hearing an opinion that seems so readily accepted by the masses, I withdraw into a little black hole in my mind and quietly think over what is being spoken. Sometimes after forming my own opinion, I find myself in opposition to what is being touted as truth. For example, I happen to believe self esteem is not biblical and will never mention the words to my children. I see no problem with them realizing they are small as long as they realize that the LORD will use them to do mighty things as they follow His ways. If I taught them they were incredible just the way they are, they may never see their need for a Savior. I have wrapped up in a very small nutshell what could be written about in pages of arguments simply for the purpose of example but something else is actually plaguing my mind today.

The topic? Hormones, you know, the raging kind. Our world is full of solutions as to how to cause them to calm down, and maybe some solutions are needed, but sometimes those little rough places in the road can help us remember that we're on a journey following Someone who can be called on at any time. Someone who teaches us if we're willing to endure some tough lessons and handle situations with prayer. Crazy idea, maybe, to stop throughout the day and pray whenever the feelings get so intense we may burst? How can it be crazy, maybe instead it's a blessing that those feelings are allowed as a call to prayer. If we're always so quick to extinguish the difficult times in life, will we remember to call on Him for help in the living? Some of my most desperate prayers were prayed in the anguish of feelings gone awry. A deep fellowship with Him develops when we are constantly grabbing hold of Him in need just to make it through a day. Because at the end of the day, when we have held so tightly to Him in prayer, a days walk is behind us, the regrets are few, and to boot, we have gotten closer to the One who loves us most. We have grown closer through the suffering. There are other solutions, of course, but they don't offer the rewards of closeness with Him.

Psalm 46:1--"GOD is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

when I woke up Sunday

As a twenty year old in the throes of depression, I cried to the LORD a lot, but there is one prayer that has been replayed in my head for the last several weeks. I had already spoken all the desperate things I could think of in pleading for Him to take away the gloom. I only on one occasion ever did something that others found out about that harmed myself, but by the time I cried this particular prayer to Him, I knew I would not take my life, half out of fear, but half out of really wanting to live. My prayer? Kind of like this, "Lord, I don't want to wake up one day and be forty and look back to see a wasted life". I wanted to live in color, not in the gray haziness of depression.

It was shortly after that, that I learned something very important while reading about depression. A lesson that has stuck with me over the years and has saved me and those around me from much heartache. It's nothing profound just that as believers we must live by our wills not by our feelings, no matter how low they go, and our wills should line up with His will. After I learned that He took the depression from me.

Now, I'm trying to be careful here because I don't want this to be about depression, but about His amazing faithfulness that can be seen when we hold on and wait on Him till we reach a better vantage point to see the road we have traveled. I was so full of excitement waiting the last few weeks for last Sunday to arrive because on that day I woke up and I was forty.

This was a day I had anticipated like no other, not for presents or birthday greetings, but because it was the day I cringed when thinking about twenty years ago, the day I feared for what the twenty years between may contain, but in reality it was the day He already had planned for me back when I was crying to Him in fear that I might be a wasted life. I have not lived a grey hazy life, but a rather colorful one. I have seen the greatness of His faithfulness to one who hasn't always listened, one who has been stubborn, one who has questioned, yet He has remained faithful. He has allowed blessings along with correction both of which amaze me because they speak of His intense love for me.

Looking back at the twenty year old I was, I'm thankful He led me down the detour of darkness. Even though I had given Him my life as a teen, my plans for the future were mine. I had not sought His guidance in the direction for my life. I had planned to rely on achievements to allow me to make my own way in life. I wanted a career to take me away from any memories of childhood. No family, no relationships, no connections. He had other plans. He knew my deepest desires that I couldn't yet recognize. The desire for connections, family... He gave me a painful detour, but it led me to His blessings.

Now in place of the childhood I thought to run from, He gave me five "childhoods" to make beautiful. Not only that, but I now realize that had I not had the childhood He allowed, I would not be the mom that I am.

Jeremiah 29:11 (You know this one, I'm sure!)

harmony

Sometimes early in the morning voices and bodies file into the kitchen. Five bodies besides mine, each with his or her own motives. It is truly cacophony and I find myself in their midst, part of the inharmonious choir of self will.

It is not a beautiful sound, for one will not be happy with the given breakfast, another may dawdle, still another may use grievous words and for a moment I am no help. What am I doing? Sometimes I am thinking about ME. Living in the quiet of my mind where shamefully words like sacrifice, service, and duty have been hushed. They've been replaced with "I wanted to do..." or "Will I ever get to..."

I feel like Jonah-motivated by self-will. I have headed to Tarshish many times myself. And I never made it there either. The One who loves me so much has always allowed a storm to threaten and then had something swallow me up in a protective hold until my heart turns from its selfish desire and gets back on course with His will. Thankfully, I am regurgitated from the hold, and although smelly and not too appealing afterwards, I am free!

So this morning as Tarshish appears enticingly in the peripheral view, I quickly arrest the thoughts that would cause my mind to wander. Once they're imprisoned, I gather that cacophony of voices into a cozy room and we read out loud the Words that bring peace. Writing our thoughts about those Words in journals that are kept bundled together in a special corner of the bookshelf. Peace comes as we share thoughts, discuss the message, and try to help little ones put the message into a picture. He comes and stills us and we learn to harmonize.

Isaiah 26:3--"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee."