There are days, and a lot of them in these past few months, when I feel like taking a sabbatical. However, the motherhood profession doesn't seem to allow such in the scheduling. Even still, as fields are allowed a break from the planting every so often and professors are allowed a break to rest or research, my mind longs for that also. I am not the epitome of a Proverbs 31 woman yet in this life. To act as though I am would be deceptive. I have very selfish ambitions I long to accomplish, like spending hours researching an event in history so I am certain I have the facts conquered before trying to tell my kids about it or becoming really good at just one thing as I have yet to become a master of any craft. Sometimes I just long to sit and write, write, write...without interruption.
It's easy to see when someone is self-centered, just listen for how many times she refers to herself as "I". I am not blind to my own selfishness. It is obvious in my writing, but also in my wants lately. It is in these times that the true gift of grace and the stability of faith are most real to me, for I do really feel like leaving all for just a while and this shows my character for what it really is...not too pretty.
Last night as I humbugged and dragged myself to bed, I shamefully found myself not even wanting to talk to the One who loves me most. As my fatigue with daily routines has worn me down and I have succumbed to selfish thoughts about my "I wants" lately, all I could mumble was "I have nothing to offer You right now". Of course, almost instantly, I laughed at my own words...as though I've ever had anything to offer Him. He has been most gracious and accepting of me and in return for the nothing I've ever offered Him, He has poured blessings out on me that can never be earned or achieved without His grace. Grace is most evident when we see ourselves for what we really are not what we convince ourselves we are based on accomplishments. When we are the poorest and lowest, grace becomes a treasure to hold tightly to and appreciate.
At the lowest of times, the mind can be bombarded with doubts. Is this really what I'm called to do? Can I maintain the course? I feel too weak to continue. Is there something else out there for me? Shameful thoughts, but they come and sometimes the mind listens when it shouldn't. For me, this is when the stability of my faith is checked. Do I really believe He's planned my future? Do I really believe He has better plans for me than I could devise on my own? Do I trust Him with my life? I must confess for the weak one typing on this keyboard it takes some wrestling with my selfish thoughts and agony in my spirit because I 'quietly' rebel against Him by mourning the loss of my selfish wants, before I finally come to the conclusion that "my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness". The stability of faith in Him preserves even when we are frail. Faith is a tight grip on the hand of rescue, if we trust the hand we don't let go.
Eventually, I hope strength comes and I become a mighty warrior for Him, although this warrior will probably walk softly and not too tall after seeing how lacking I really am. But I'm thankful for the keeping power of faith and grace.
Hebrews 11:1--"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
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