On two occasions in one day, our six year old threw up. Both times we had a trash can handy, but the first time for some reason he threw up right beside the can directly on the carpet. The next time he didn't even make it to an upright position, it landed all over him. When he finally felt well enough to join the rest of us in the living room, we, of course, carried in the "unused" trash can and he pointed out our silliness by saying "You don't really need to bring that in here, I never make it in there anyway". He was obviously paying attention to the situation better than we were.
They are always so observant. Sometimes I wish they weren't. Sometimes what I model for them is less than pleasant. When my mind consumes itself with matters in this world rather than Him, I get ugly. They see it. Then, they're infected, too. There are times when my reaction to them is too harsh. Actually, I would require a much greater transgression by a stranger before I would react in such a way, but with the ones who are dear to me I get an attitude. I teach by how I live and I'm still struggling to be a doer instead of just a reader of His words.
But there are bright moments of hope. Moments that show me His mercy for not allowing the poison I pass to seep into them or His grace for covering my shortcomings with some goodness from Him. These moments come when one of these little or big ones recalls a memory of something we do in this family, something having to do with Him. They speak of such things as though it is standard practice around here and yet it may be something we feel we have failed at.
Lily prompted one of these moments of hope recently. She is one and a half, so obviously still a baby-sort, but she has been watching keenly. One morning, when only she and I were awake, I walked to the living room, telling her, "Mama's going to read her Bible". She immediately ran to the living room, pointed to the shelf, and said her version of the word "book" and "my". She wanted her prayer journal book off the shelf. She relates that to prayer and the Bible, and I must say it's amazing that she makes that connection.
We have been slack in keeping up with these journals. The idea for them came from another blog (A Holy Experience) and we started them with much excitement taking a Psalm at a time. It's just we hit them only periodically. We have failed in our plans to make this a routine. Yet this baby knows when the Bible comes out, there's a special book that we write in. She's learning a practice that holds a spot in her memory...a practice that says this Bible is a special book, it's so good that you takes notes. Even when our consistency suffers, she still remembers.
He takes the little we offer and blesses it. That is His grace showering this family.
As parents, we lack in so many areas. Some of the kinks in our parenting will still be there when all these arrows leave our house. We just keep reminding all of them that we're still growing in Him too...we're still learning. They tend to be pretty forgiving with us.
Sometimes, from my vantage point, I'm sure we're failing, but then He shows me that He helps them see what I don't even see.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
i ate my manna on the go
I have lived a life full of lists written on any scrap of paper I can find. Lists for items needed, menus for the week, chores to conquer, school assignments to plan, books to read...My plans always exceed reality.
I want so desperately to accomplish much while I'm still here, but up till now my plan of attack for all those lists has led to falling short. My goal in the last year or so has been to replace my "way" of scheduling with what I know is His way of scheduling.
There are many things, for example, in schooling my children, of which I have let go over the years because traditional teaching includes certain subjects that must be covered or professionals insist there are certain concepts children must be taught. So in order to cover these things, I fore go the most valuable. I sacrifice the precious to give them the typical.
Our daily Bible reading aloud and journal entries about that reading has become less frequent. Our nature walks with nature journals, obsolete, this year. Our reading classics aloud as a family, optional and rare. We still do many things of great value as a family, but I have set aside many of the most beneficial opportunities for growth of their minds in order to gain the right to fill out a transcript and give a "credit". I suddenly want to flush all the credits and refuse to even consider schooling in a traditional method.
I want them to be like Daniel and his friends, refusing to eat the king's meat and drink, then after a period of time proving that following God's way not the way of man shows them more excellent...because God's touch surpasses any man-made way.
I give the example of school, but this is what I struggle with in me too. I wake up and even as a mom who spends every day with these arrow kids, I let go of what is most important for me also. My thoughts are centered around the mundane, while I let the precious go. I read a quick devotion or nibble a few scriptures before beginning the great tasks that I "need" to accomplish. What if I actually refused to participate in mankind's version of how to be the best home school mom and instead thought on Him for hours during the day? What if I let Him lead my moments one by one each day? What if I trusted Him that much? What if I feasted on the manna He gives me everyday instead of grabbing a little here and there and trying to hoard some for later when I am short on time?
I know what the result would be.
Daniel 1:20--"And in all matters of wisdom and understanding about which the king examined them, he found them ten times better than all..."
I want so desperately to accomplish much while I'm still here, but up till now my plan of attack for all those lists has led to falling short. My goal in the last year or so has been to replace my "way" of scheduling with what I know is His way of scheduling.
There are many things, for example, in schooling my children, of which I have let go over the years because traditional teaching includes certain subjects that must be covered or professionals insist there are certain concepts children must be taught. So in order to cover these things, I fore go the most valuable. I sacrifice the precious to give them the typical.
Our daily Bible reading aloud and journal entries about that reading has become less frequent. Our nature walks with nature journals, obsolete, this year. Our reading classics aloud as a family, optional and rare. We still do many things of great value as a family, but I have set aside many of the most beneficial opportunities for growth of their minds in order to gain the right to fill out a transcript and give a "credit". I suddenly want to flush all the credits and refuse to even consider schooling in a traditional method.
I want them to be like Daniel and his friends, refusing to eat the king's meat and drink, then after a period of time proving that following God's way not the way of man shows them more excellent...because God's touch surpasses any man-made way.
I give the example of school, but this is what I struggle with in me too. I wake up and even as a mom who spends every day with these arrow kids, I let go of what is most important for me also. My thoughts are centered around the mundane, while I let the precious go. I read a quick devotion or nibble a few scriptures before beginning the great tasks that I "need" to accomplish. What if I actually refused to participate in mankind's version of how to be the best home school mom and instead thought on Him for hours during the day? What if I let Him lead my moments one by one each day? What if I trusted Him that much? What if I feasted on the manna He gives me everyday instead of grabbing a little here and there and trying to hoard some for later when I am short on time?
I know what the result would be.
Daniel 1:20--"And in all matters of wisdom and understanding about which the king examined them, he found them ten times better than all..."
Thursday, December 24, 2009
i hear hope
Sounds of the season infiltrate this little spot on earth.
Little wildflower Lily who proclaims, each time I say "look at the angel",..."Mama". This has been a special sound to hear this season, her confusing my name with every angelic being on display. My name is actually Angela, but for some reason, when still a baby, my father called me Angel and it stuck. Now these years later, Lily sees angels and thinks Mama.
Teenage Em calling to her little brothers to come lick the bowls. She's been sequestered in the kitchen for major help in preparing goodies for many we love. Strange place for this girl, as I've not spent the time I should have teaching her the way around a kitchen. Still, when left with no choice but to bake, she has enjoyed it and shared the yum with the little guys.
Luke, the middle, reading to his Papa the 23rd Psalm just yesterday. This little man whose heart is so drawn to the One who created Him reaching out to a big man whose heart, Luke hopes, to see drawn to the Same. A soft tender heart consistently praying prayers for a man he loves.
The teenage guy sitting across from me yesterday munching Chinese carrying the conversation. And today finally asking questions about a genealogy that has consumed many of my hours lately. Finally, he speaks and I listen.
Ethan repeatedly "when can I do something for Jake for Christmas?" He loves the one who towers over him. He wants to glue himself to Jake and stay there. He knows good people when he sees them.
You delivered Hope that day. I experience Your hope when I hear their sounds of the season. Hearts leaning toward You that is what I hope for them.
Little wildflower Lily who proclaims, each time I say "look at the angel",..."Mama". This has been a special sound to hear this season, her confusing my name with every angelic being on display. My name is actually Angela, but for some reason, when still a baby, my father called me Angel and it stuck. Now these years later, Lily sees angels and thinks Mama.
Teenage Em calling to her little brothers to come lick the bowls. She's been sequestered in the kitchen for major help in preparing goodies for many we love. Strange place for this girl, as I've not spent the time I should have teaching her the way around a kitchen. Still, when left with no choice but to bake, she has enjoyed it and shared the yum with the little guys.
Luke, the middle, reading to his Papa the 23rd Psalm just yesterday. This little man whose heart is so drawn to the One who created Him reaching out to a big man whose heart, Luke hopes, to see drawn to the Same. A soft tender heart consistently praying prayers for a man he loves.
The teenage guy sitting across from me yesterday munching Chinese carrying the conversation. And today finally asking questions about a genealogy that has consumed many of my hours lately. Finally, he speaks and I listen.
Ethan repeatedly "when can I do something for Jake for Christmas?" He loves the one who towers over him. He wants to glue himself to Jake and stay there. He knows good people when he sees them.
You delivered Hope that day. I experience Your hope when I hear their sounds of the season. Hearts leaning toward You that is what I hope for them.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
i'm a shepherd...so are you
Luke 2:8--"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field,..."
They were watching, keeping, protecting the flock as was their duty. He chose to proclaim the most exciting news of any age to them. What better backdrop for a cantata of heavenly hosts than the infinite space of the night time sky, lighting it up with the brilliance of His messengers! They were in the perfect spot for the introduction of the long awaited One.
Some say He appeared to lowly shepherds to show that He accepts all, even the lowliest. But I wonder? Maybe He chose them to show that there is none higher. He is no respecter of persons, all are equal before Him.
Man establishes social statuses. Social hierarchy exists in our schools, our communities, our government, and, yes, in our churches. But that is not from Him. There may be those who offer less, accomplish less, voice less, and acquire less, but there are not any who are less. Standing before Him, our measure is the same...we are condemned without His grace or we are saved by it.
Luke 2:17 & 20--"And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child...And the shepherds returned glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them."
They were watching, keeping, protecting the flock as was their duty. He chose to proclaim the most exciting news of any age to them. What better backdrop for a cantata of heavenly hosts than the infinite space of the night time sky, lighting it up with the brilliance of His messengers! They were in the perfect spot for the introduction of the long awaited One.
Some say He appeared to lowly shepherds to show that He accepts all, even the lowliest. But I wonder? Maybe He chose them to show that there is none higher. He is no respecter of persons, all are equal before Him.
Man establishes social statuses. Social hierarchy exists in our schools, our communities, our government, and, yes, in our churches. But that is not from Him. There may be those who offer less, accomplish less, voice less, and acquire less, but there are not any who are less. Standing before Him, our measure is the same...we are condemned without His grace or we are saved by it.
In a world where pride would be at enmity with God, where pride would destroy and separate us from Him, the first guests invited to come see Him had to come lowly. He calls us to rid ourselves of our desires for prominence, accolades, even our desires to be wanted. He calls us to accept a spot in the low places, walk humbly, be servants, esteem others higher than ourselves. He knows the magnetic effect of pride for the weak human heart and He wants to deter us from the devastation it causes. No wonder His humble entrance.
Shepherds were the unaccepted, unacknowledged, unwanted, but did He announce the great news first to them to show His acceptance of the lowly or to remind us that we are all lowly and He chooses us anyway? Love is most powerful when it accepts someone at their worst. When one receives that kind of love, they know it is real. That is a life changing kind of love and in the changed life He is seen and He receives glory. Glory rightly assigned.
He came to all of us, but we must meet Him in our lowly state just as they did that night.Luke 2:17 & 20--"And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child...And the shepherds returned glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them."
Saturday, December 19, 2009
they can't possibly know my thoughts toward them
Luke 2:14--"...on earth peace, good will toward men."
Often my mind thinks on them, but they don't know. Little one lying on the couch nursing stuffy nose and aching body. High school man, my biggest (human) help, working on computer. Teenage girl driving into town with her biggest fan, her dad. Little wildflower girl, along for the ride. Then there's the most sensitive fella writing out a card for his sis. All involved in their own activities, thoughts on things that are important to them at the moment. They can't know how often I think of them and how I hope for them. They do not know how eager I am for them to live fully and enjoy people around them. They can't know how I hope they avoid evils that would sidetrack them from the good they can experience. They know of my love because they've tasted it, but they cannot know the depths of my thoughts, love, hopes...
How could they ever know except they continue the life circle and have some of their own who stay on their minds?
This makes it so real for me. The purpose of the lights, trees, carols, all the celebration. How can I know how great His love and His thoughts are toward me? I am involved in what is important to me at this moment. My little revolving world. I know Him as my children know me, but never could I know the full extent of His thoughts toward me. Sometimes the extraordinary event that took place two thousand years ago becomes commonplace in my mind. Phrases repeated year after year, messages heard many times, Christmas plays, songs...I am a shallow person who allows the depth to bounce off my heart at times because I absorb myself in routine and leave little time to celebrate what is sacred.
But He delivers His message to me through these children because He causes my heart to ache for them, long for good for them, strive to lead them in the right way, sacrifice my own way for them...sacrifice...
That makes it real for me. I am simple me and I want all good for them. He is who He is. How much greater is His love and His desire for good for me. I cannot fully taste it as these little ones cannot fully grasp my feelings for them. They fight against my goodwill for them, I fight against His goodwill for me. I do not give up on them, He does not give up on me. They keep learning to trust me, I keep learning to trust Him. They get closer to me, I get closer to Him.
If there are no gifts, no decorations, no plays, no parties, then all is well because there is Him. He does not change, His love never stops, He is. And that makes Christmas what it is...my celebration of Him loving me...for a simple child like me, it doesn't get better than that because I've tasted love from the viewpoint of a mama.
Luke 2:19--"...Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart..."
Often my mind thinks on them, but they don't know. Little one lying on the couch nursing stuffy nose and aching body. High school man, my biggest (human) help, working on computer. Teenage girl driving into town with her biggest fan, her dad. Little wildflower girl, along for the ride. Then there's the most sensitive fella writing out a card for his sis. All involved in their own activities, thoughts on things that are important to them at the moment. They can't know how often I think of them and how I hope for them. They do not know how eager I am for them to live fully and enjoy people around them. They can't know how I hope they avoid evils that would sidetrack them from the good they can experience. They know of my love because they've tasted it, but they cannot know the depths of my thoughts, love, hopes...
How could they ever know except they continue the life circle and have some of their own who stay on their minds?
This makes it so real for me. The purpose of the lights, trees, carols, all the celebration. How can I know how great His love and His thoughts are toward me? I am involved in what is important to me at this moment. My little revolving world. I know Him as my children know me, but never could I know the full extent of His thoughts toward me. Sometimes the extraordinary event that took place two thousand years ago becomes commonplace in my mind. Phrases repeated year after year, messages heard many times, Christmas plays, songs...I am a shallow person who allows the depth to bounce off my heart at times because I absorb myself in routine and leave little time to celebrate what is sacred.
But He delivers His message to me through these children because He causes my heart to ache for them, long for good for them, strive to lead them in the right way, sacrifice my own way for them...sacrifice...
That makes it real for me. I am simple me and I want all good for them. He is who He is. How much greater is His love and His desire for good for me. I cannot fully taste it as these little ones cannot fully grasp my feelings for them. They fight against my goodwill for them, I fight against His goodwill for me. I do not give up on them, He does not give up on me. They keep learning to trust me, I keep learning to trust Him. They get closer to me, I get closer to Him.
If there are no gifts, no decorations, no plays, no parties, then all is well because there is Him. He does not change, His love never stops, He is. And that makes Christmas what it is...my celebration of Him loving me...for a simple child like me, it doesn't get better than that because I've tasted love from the viewpoint of a mama.
Luke 2:19--"...Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart..."
Thursday, December 17, 2009
no room for him
Over the years, some have actually felt sorry for our little ones around this time of year. I'll never forget the time some visiting relatives asked our, at the time, three year old son if he was excited about Santa coming. Little guy just told them Santa isn't real and kept playing. He must have surprised them because they seemed to be speechless. We understood early on that some would think it sad that we would skip the fun charade of the jolly old elf. Fortunately, He taught us early that our parenting wouldn't be shaped by the opinions of others.
There is no hostility towards St. Nick in our home. We even have a Santa ornament on our tree, he is reverently kneeling before the Christ child. And we have read the poem "Twas the Night Before Christmas" aloud to the kids. But we knew when the Christmas season approached, time followed the same rules that it did throughout the rest of the year...there's only so much of it allotted to each day. We are not such an organized team that we could fit in a celebration of the One who brought hope along with milk and cookies, reindeer hoof prints, and sitting on a strangers lap asking for gifts. Plus, we wanted our children to learn to be grateful early in life. How could they be thankful to us and their Provider if we gave credit to the imaginary? When we weighed our options of how we would celebrate the season, the Hope Bringer won easily. If we would only have time to celebrate one, it would be Him.
We have never regretted that choice. There has been no void of what is special and memorable. Santa has never been missed. Our schedules at this Yuletide are full and we've had no room for him. The Hope Bringer has deserved all the attention. He has delivered hope to us continuously. We just want to plant in these growing hearts an ever increasing celebration of the anticipation of the One who delivered hope to all. He is worth it.
Luke 2:10,11---"...for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour..."
There is no hostility towards St. Nick in our home. We even have a Santa ornament on our tree, he is reverently kneeling before the Christ child. And we have read the poem "Twas the Night Before Christmas" aloud to the kids. But we knew when the Christmas season approached, time followed the same rules that it did throughout the rest of the year...there's only so much of it allotted to each day. We are not such an organized team that we could fit in a celebration of the One who brought hope along with milk and cookies, reindeer hoof prints, and sitting on a strangers lap asking for gifts. Plus, we wanted our children to learn to be grateful early in life. How could they be thankful to us and their Provider if we gave credit to the imaginary? When we weighed our options of how we would celebrate the season, the Hope Bringer won easily. If we would only have time to celebrate one, it would be Him.
We have never regretted that choice. There has been no void of what is special and memorable. Santa has never been missed. Our schedules at this Yuletide are full and we've had no room for him. The Hope Bringer has deserved all the attention. He has delivered hope to us continuously. We just want to plant in these growing hearts an ever increasing celebration of the anticipation of the One who delivered hope to all. He is worth it.
Luke 2:10,11---"...for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour..."
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
shedding skin
You have made it a part of nature
shedding what is old, allowing new growth.
Creeping serpents and crawling lizards leave their skin behind
revealing growth beneath,
growth that has been in the process,
but has been unseen.
It can't be seen until the old is removed.
Removal of the old takes a while.
It does not just simply fall off.
A lizard must rub her head and body against rough surfaces
to help the molting along.
I feel slightly familiar with the process.
Rubbing off what is no good, wrestling to be released
from what keeps the newly grown me from appearing,
struggling between the rough and difficult places,
hope urging me to keep on with the struggle
for there is something good waiting.
The lizard sheds her skin, showing a shining, smooth outer self.
I shed mine, not for what shows on the outside,
but to reveal Your continued work on the inside.
A little message from You to me, saying You do not give up on me.
Reminding me that You are the One I must rely on,
You are the One I must present myself to,
You are the One I stand before.
If I were only to present myself to all my equals,
the fellow pilgrims on this earth,
the molting would not seem so tough.
They can only see so much of me.
Surely I could attain man's measure of goodness.
But before You I am fully exposed.
Those quiet dark places inside that want to refuse to grow and change,
You light those places, allowing me to see them for what they are,
inhibitors to my growth.
You offer me real growth so You can show Yourself in this little mortal,
and I hold tight to You because molting happens more than once in a life.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
the blessings of hardships
I can't help but cringe a little at this time of the year. My ears are bombarded with pleas to give...unwrapped toys, gifts valued at a certain amount, money to help purchase gifts for those without. Am I wrong in my gut feeling here that we tend to try to soothe the hurts and emptiness of the needy with things?
We are among those who do not have quite as much cash flow as before. We have spread the word to extended family that we can't quite afford all those gifts we once gave, much to the relief of the extended family (because they can't either). So this year we've agreed to make goodies for each other's families. It's something simple, but it also means we're putting much thought into something special for their particular tastes. No smacking a credit card on a counter so there's something wrapped and under the tree for each one. Not this year, the lack of funds provides us with a rare treat...relief of the pressure to give the perfect manufactured gift and instead the time we will enjoy baking and cooking together while we taste test and package the perfect treats that we know are "his" or "her" favorite.
Our gift giving for our little ones looks a little different this year too. No expensive electronics, or latest gadgets, no lists. I've never enjoyed the idea of a list anyway. When I was younger, a gift meant something given because someone was thinking about you not something someone gave because you told them what you wanted. Yet somewhere along the way even I gave in to the gift list and I allowed our kids to give me one...before. Before this blessed year came along, that is. This year in which we are blessed with an opportunity that has before been hidden by an abundance of "things". It is a great place to be...the place of having little. Why do we try to mess that up for people by assuming the way to show them love is by bombarding them with material possessions. Material possessions aren't great conduits for love, but having to be creative in expressing love provides just that.
We drew names amongst the seven immediate family members this year. Having a handful of kids, we didn't want them to all be trying to buy for seven different people so drawing one name seemed a good solution. The results made me even more thankful for hard times. Everyone looked to see who they received, only Lily, our little wildflower, received her own name so I quickly exchanged with her. Oldest boy got youngest boy; youngest boy got mom; mom got the wildflower; wildflower got dad; dad got oldest boy. But wait...there were two more. Amazing the two that were left. Most of the time in this simple family there is peace, but when there isn't, probably 80% of those times, there are two little people in this family dealing with friction of such magnitude that I search for opportunities for them to show love to one another...they were the only two who drew each others names. Blessings sometimes are hiding out in the hardships if we just allow the hardships to happen instead of always trying to prevent them for people.
Philippians 4:11--"...for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."
We are among those who do not have quite as much cash flow as before. We have spread the word to extended family that we can't quite afford all those gifts we once gave, much to the relief of the extended family (because they can't either). So this year we've agreed to make goodies for each other's families. It's something simple, but it also means we're putting much thought into something special for their particular tastes. No smacking a credit card on a counter so there's something wrapped and under the tree for each one. Not this year, the lack of funds provides us with a rare treat...relief of the pressure to give the perfect manufactured gift and instead the time we will enjoy baking and cooking together while we taste test and package the perfect treats that we know are "his" or "her" favorite.
Our gift giving for our little ones looks a little different this year too. No expensive electronics, or latest gadgets, no lists. I've never enjoyed the idea of a list anyway. When I was younger, a gift meant something given because someone was thinking about you not something someone gave because you told them what you wanted. Yet somewhere along the way even I gave in to the gift list and I allowed our kids to give me one...before. Before this blessed year came along, that is. This year in which we are blessed with an opportunity that has before been hidden by an abundance of "things". It is a great place to be...the place of having little. Why do we try to mess that up for people by assuming the way to show them love is by bombarding them with material possessions. Material possessions aren't great conduits for love, but having to be creative in expressing love provides just that.
We drew names amongst the seven immediate family members this year. Having a handful of kids, we didn't want them to all be trying to buy for seven different people so drawing one name seemed a good solution. The results made me even more thankful for hard times. Everyone looked to see who they received, only Lily, our little wildflower, received her own name so I quickly exchanged with her. Oldest boy got youngest boy; youngest boy got mom; mom got the wildflower; wildflower got dad; dad got oldest boy. But wait...there were two more. Amazing the two that were left. Most of the time in this simple family there is peace, but when there isn't, probably 80% of those times, there are two little people in this family dealing with friction of such magnitude that I search for opportunities for them to show love to one another...they were the only two who drew each others names. Blessings sometimes are hiding out in the hardships if we just allow the hardships to happen instead of always trying to prevent them for people.
Philippians 4:11--"...for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."
Monday, December 7, 2009
the agonizing wait
Over the years, teaching the little ones to read has been a great challenge in character for me. Impatience lives in my bones and sometimes I'm sure that's one reason He gave us our handful of arrows. Patience is forced upon the person who must sit down with a child who tediously sounds out every vowel and consonant, a couple of times, and then repeats the sounds to try to form some semblance of a word they recognize. When this goes on for word after word, sentence after sentence, a person either comes unglued and frustrates themselves and the child or that person learns to sit quietly, giving up their own desires for a chunk of time. They learn to wait.
Moving to a small town can have the same effect...learning to wait. When we moved to this area, I was given a precious gift by an individual in the Wal Mart store one day. As she assisted me, our conversation revealed that I was new to the area. That's when she gave me her gift...priceless information. She told me that the people in this county are the kindest you can find, but it would take ten years before they would accept me. And then she said it would take another ten years before this place would feel like it was really my home. I had only lived here for a few months and had already experienced a huge let down.
For years before we moved here, I had been so excited to meet the people my husband had told me about. I had never really had a hometown before so this was going to be my spot. Along with my anticipation of having a hometown came my plans for getting to know everyone. I failed to take into consideration that my anticipation was only mine and not shared with all those people I planned to get acquainted with. By the time I met that woman in Wal Mart, I had come to realize that no one out here had been eagerly awaiting my arrival. People out here had their lives and their friendships established. I appeared to not really be needed. That was my let down.
So when I received my gift of information that day, life changed and I began to learn to wait. She was right. The kindest people you could meet, ten years before you're accepted...it's going on twelve years out here and just recently I've had moments when it feels like I belong here. I suppose it's becoming home now.
Waiting can be agonizing, but when someone shows you the hope for what is to come, waiting is certainly bearable. Whether sitting thirty minutes waiting for a child to sound out each syllable knowing one day he'll read fluently because of this or living each day of ten years knowing time around people will establish you as part of the community, whatever the wait, hope sustains.
If He didn't allow the agony of the wait, I fear I may not have depended on Him as much. He is very good to me that way...giving me what I need to keep me close to Him.
Isaiah 40:31--"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."
Moving to a small town can have the same effect...learning to wait. When we moved to this area, I was given a precious gift by an individual in the Wal Mart store one day. As she assisted me, our conversation revealed that I was new to the area. That's when she gave me her gift...priceless information. She told me that the people in this county are the kindest you can find, but it would take ten years before they would accept me. And then she said it would take another ten years before this place would feel like it was really my home. I had only lived here for a few months and had already experienced a huge let down.
For years before we moved here, I had been so excited to meet the people my husband had told me about. I had never really had a hometown before so this was going to be my spot. Along with my anticipation of having a hometown came my plans for getting to know everyone. I failed to take into consideration that my anticipation was only mine and not shared with all those people I planned to get acquainted with. By the time I met that woman in Wal Mart, I had come to realize that no one out here had been eagerly awaiting my arrival. People out here had their lives and their friendships established. I appeared to not really be needed. That was my let down.
So when I received my gift of information that day, life changed and I began to learn to wait. She was right. The kindest people you could meet, ten years before you're accepted...it's going on twelve years out here and just recently I've had moments when it feels like I belong here. I suppose it's becoming home now.
Waiting can be agonizing, but when someone shows you the hope for what is to come, waiting is certainly bearable. Whether sitting thirty minutes waiting for a child to sound out each syllable knowing one day he'll read fluently because of this or living each day of ten years knowing time around people will establish you as part of the community, whatever the wait, hope sustains.
If He didn't allow the agony of the wait, I fear I may not have depended on Him as much. He is very good to me that way...giving me what I need to keep me close to Him.
Isaiah 40:31--"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."
Sunday, December 6, 2009
the cowardly lion in me
One day I want to be tough. Sometimes the weakness in me causes an intense pain in the inward parts. The kind of pain that allows tears to flow when it doesn't make sense to cry. Logic screams to me "this is not cry-worthy" or "this doesn't bother anyone else" or maybe "why do you take things so seriously?" But the "weak me" is actually stronger than any logic and I succumb to the torture my mind will put me through.
I had anticipated this day all week. Open House at our local Historical Society. I've been spending much time there lately working on a genealogy. This is an incredible place, the building itself will turn 100 years old next year. But it's the material living on the shelves that is really the draw for me. I enjoy every moment I spend there.
I did have slight trepidation in going today. I recently voiced opinions that could offend some there. So I've been on tiptoes lately when I approach the door. But today was THE day. The day when many would be there...my opportunity to be friendly in an effort to show that my opinion doesn't equal hostility.
As I entered, a familiar friendly face was there to my delight. But my delight ended right when it began because the next moment I entered a room with about four people I don't know. That's all it took to topple my intentions of showing friendship. I was through that room and into the hallway, heading upstairs to spend a few hours alone with historical books. Ignoring kind invitations to come back. Put simply--I was rude. My discomfort with people came out and I was rude. I gave in to fear...again.
I tend to have to relearn this lesson often--Fear nothing, but the LORD. When I have HIM at the center of my thoughts, nothing scares me, no fear of people, nothing. But when I'm at the center of my thoughts, I have days like this!
If I would just get my thoughts right or "take them captive", then "weak me" wouldn't be so powerful right now.
Proverbs 14:26--"In the fear of the LORD is strong confidence..."
I had anticipated this day all week. Open House at our local Historical Society. I've been spending much time there lately working on a genealogy. This is an incredible place, the building itself will turn 100 years old next year. But it's the material living on the shelves that is really the draw for me. I enjoy every moment I spend there.
I did have slight trepidation in going today. I recently voiced opinions that could offend some there. So I've been on tiptoes lately when I approach the door. But today was THE day. The day when many would be there...my opportunity to be friendly in an effort to show that my opinion doesn't equal hostility.
As I entered, a familiar friendly face was there to my delight. But my delight ended right when it began because the next moment I entered a room with about four people I don't know. That's all it took to topple my intentions of showing friendship. I was through that room and into the hallway, heading upstairs to spend a few hours alone with historical books. Ignoring kind invitations to come back. Put simply--I was rude. My discomfort with people came out and I was rude. I gave in to fear...again.
I tend to have to relearn this lesson often--Fear nothing, but the LORD. When I have HIM at the center of my thoughts, nothing scares me, no fear of people, nothing. But when I'm at the center of my thoughts, I have days like this!
If I would just get my thoughts right or "take them captive", then "weak me" wouldn't be so powerful right now.
Proverbs 14:26--"In the fear of the LORD is strong confidence..."
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
they take it so seriously...I need some of that
I promise I am aware that the five arrows in this home have no monopoly in being special. All children are brilliant in one way or another with promise of something great, but it's up to the adults around them to see it. The ones He has put here bombard me with moments which cause me to see it often, but they also unknowingly offer me lessons from Him.
Today little six year old guy replayed a scene I enjoy. He entered Grandma's house while playing with his nine year old brother, mouthing something, no noise coming out, just those little lips shaping words that couldn't be heard. I knew immediately to speak one word to solve his speechless problem. "Ethan," I said and with that he smiled and ran back outside.
His older brother had jinxed him. He does it often. He's rather strategic with it. He entices little guy to repeat a phrase with him as though it's a cheer or a chant and when he sees he's following his lead, he makes sure they say it simultaneously and then he attacks with "jinx on you" rendering little guy speechless. The funny part is that little guy always abides by the rules and stays quiet until someone "frees" him by speaking his name.
They live honoring each other in this strange way. They listen to words spoken by a sibling and it means something to them. They take it seriously.
Once the two olders were playing with invisible cars, yes, invisible. The oldest snatched his sister's "car" and she cried for quite a while until she got it back. Yes, by invisible I mean it didn't really exist, but it didn't matter. He said he had it and she listened to his words.
I am drawn to this peculiar respect they have for one another because I struggle to have such a high regard for the words of others. I often question the sincerity of words. Of course, when one questions anothers words usually they do not heed them. This becomes a danger zone for me when the words are those of the One who loves me most. My determination to fully follow Him begins to wane simply because His words become faint when I do not take them as seriously as I once did. I find myself looking at the physical, the world around me, the visible that distracts and entices. So one of the google reasons He placed these little ones here is to model trusting anothers words. They do this well and I, the child of His who's still learning, I am grateful for the lesson.
Deuteronomy 8:3--"...but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the LORD doth man live."
Today little six year old guy replayed a scene I enjoy. He entered Grandma's house while playing with his nine year old brother, mouthing something, no noise coming out, just those little lips shaping words that couldn't be heard. I knew immediately to speak one word to solve his speechless problem. "Ethan," I said and with that he smiled and ran back outside.
His older brother had jinxed him. He does it often. He's rather strategic with it. He entices little guy to repeat a phrase with him as though it's a cheer or a chant and when he sees he's following his lead, he makes sure they say it simultaneously and then he attacks with "jinx on you" rendering little guy speechless. The funny part is that little guy always abides by the rules and stays quiet until someone "frees" him by speaking his name.
They live honoring each other in this strange way. They listen to words spoken by a sibling and it means something to them. They take it seriously.
Once the two olders were playing with invisible cars, yes, invisible. The oldest snatched his sister's "car" and she cried for quite a while until she got it back. Yes, by invisible I mean it didn't really exist, but it didn't matter. He said he had it and she listened to his words.
I am drawn to this peculiar respect they have for one another because I struggle to have such a high regard for the words of others. I often question the sincerity of words. Of course, when one questions anothers words usually they do not heed them. This becomes a danger zone for me when the words are those of the One who loves me most. My determination to fully follow Him begins to wane simply because His words become faint when I do not take them as seriously as I once did. I find myself looking at the physical, the world around me, the visible that distracts and entices. So one of the google reasons He placed these little ones here is to model trusting anothers words. They do this well and I, the child of His who's still learning, I am grateful for the lesson.
Deuteronomy 8:3--"...but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the LORD doth man live."
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