if i listened to the world

If I listened to the world, I would have raised my children quite differently.

I would have respected their space and let them live to themselves. I guess that would mean letting them spend a lot of time by themselves searching for who they were, allowing them to isolate themselves in their bedrooms and delve into whatever media they preferred.

I probably would have just assumed that disrespect and disobedience were normal behaviors at certain ages and simply held my tongue and walked away quietly when that happened, gritting my teeth and hoping I would survive those times until they grew up.

I would have allowed them to search endlessly until they found something to follow in this world, something they would want to anchor themselves to, no matter where it brought them.

I'm glad for my rebellion. I'm glad I've always found the world's way to be unsteady and unreliable. I'm glad I've never listened to the world because...

yesterday I spent the day with two people who are my favorite company, my most encouraging companions. He is eighteen and she is fourteen, ages traditionally joked about because of behaviors thought to be "typical". But kids are not typical, they are what they are taught and what they choose to be. These two don't drive me crazy, they make me laugh with their humorous ways. They don't bring me sorrow, they overload me with joy when I see their thoughtfulness with me, each other, and others who they don't even know. I don't experience regret for choices their dad and I made in raising them, instead I am quite grateful that we listened to a Greater One and used His words as our guide.

I'm amazed by what happens when in our smallness we simply made an attempt to go against the common tide of the world's ways and followed the unpopular method of the All Knowing One.

I spent the day with the very two people who are my favorite company and I'm glad I never let the world advise me on how to raise them.

enjoying the preserved

So thankful for what is left after the garden has been tilled under. Though it appears an empty mess, there is evidence of the incredible life once there. The frozen vegies in the freezer, canned salsa, or pickles in the frig all stand as reminders of the faithful times of sewing the good. Even in the midst of a desolate looking patch of ground, I can taste the good.

The good is listening to a fourteen year old girl who refuses to wear the label adolescent because she has much higher ambitions than just being a typical teenager. She intends to walk along the narrow path even if she walks it alone.

The good is hearing a two year old sing songs for the first time, seeing her smile that spreads across her entire face, and watching her eyes light up as she hears the words "Has anybody seen my mouse?" while reading her favorite poems. She was a surprise child who was put here for such a time as this.

The good is reminding a nearly grown son that he dare not cross the fine line to disrespect in pursuit of adulthood and having him come back and accept the correction like a man. Though he may not try to be a "people pleaser", he will please people and find favor.

The good is listening to a seven year old who catches his breath in amazement when he sees a wrong being committed by a family member. He has been taught the right way over the years and just assumes all would follow it.

The good is putting arms around the ten year old in church while standing to sing and feeling the vibration of his chest and knowing that although I cannot hear him...he is singing. He reads the words on the screen, sings them, and lets them sink into his heart.

The good is all around me everyday even though I sometimes feel like I'm standing on a desolate patch of ground. I'm enjoying my preserves and thankful for my life garden.

the pollinators

The okra is as high as my elbows, as are some of the weeds, but I wade through quite content, bugs and all. I'm so thankful for our garden that refuses to quit giving this year. Tomatoes, corn, peppers, squash, zucchini, pattypan, cucumbers, watermelon, cantaloupe, eggplant, peas, okra...it's all been in there. Today I picked peas and okra amidst mosquitoes, (which I tolerated since the enjoyment of being in the garden is greater than the disturbance the mosquitoes cause me) but also in the company of many hardworking helpful insects. As I finished up, a rain shower came along to cool me off and relieve me of the pesky mosquitoes. I walked back up to the house with my horn of plenty...tonight's dinner and some for the freezer.

In recent years, it seems we've had a shortage of the "good" six-legged critters to help keep our garden healthy, but this year they returned. Every morning when I visit my thoughtful spot to pick our supper, I've shared that space with tens of tens of bees, buzzing from one flower to another. As I disturb them, I watch their fuzzy black pollen-covered bottoms fly away and I learn to appreciate pollen.

Pollen causes so many people such problems, but I am immensely thankful for the stuff. Those little critters certainly don't realize what they're doing as they search for their nectar, flying from one source to another, depositing what each of my garden flowers needs for growth, but I know they are making food grow in my garden and I welcome them.

People are like that too, at least a lot of them I know. My children benefit from many of them. Just people buzzing about doing what makes them, well, them, not realizing the effect they have all about them. Depositing little bits of what He put in them on others which starts a chain reaction of blessings for the unsuspecting. I'm so thankful for the pollinators.

"I took big gulps of Scripture, I'll be fine"

Homeschooling is different. The tendency to question one's self becomes a way of life. Prayer becomes vital. The "typical" becomes nonexistent. Assuming an "authority" is always right on many subjects disappears as thinking for ourselves takes over. Selfishness bit by bit, year by year becomes replaced by self-sacrifice in order for harmony to be found. Perfection is never reached, but contentment is.

Today was graduation day for us. Highschool man had to take a college entrance test to see if he qualified for the college program he chose. I was nervous. I admit my anxiety had more to do with how the results made me look. I have been waiting for this test simply to tell me whether I have taught him well enough over the last 12 years for him to continue in whatever field he chose. Again, I was nervous. He is an amazing person, but I have not been an amazing teacher.

So I sent him to bed early. Woke him early and placed a good breakfast in front of him, but he insisted he could not eat that early. After a not-so-well delivered speech about the importance of eating so a hungry stomach wouldn't distract during testing, I walked away...angry.

He left without another word and I was almost disappointed until I found the note he left. I have received many precious notes from some of the dearest people, but this one will stay with me always. It was written in his horrible manuscript he inherited from me. It simply said "I took big gulps of Scripture, I'll be fine".

So we all prayed for him and let go of the worries. He did very well. These years have been blessed by One who has plans for highschool man.

life with a snake

I'm not actually referring to the slithering creature that has found a safe haven in our home. This time I'm talking about the woman my husband lives with...me.

Yesterday, I sat across the desk from someone who said they admired me because of the choices I've made. Aaaahhhhhhh, crushing blow...some people have no mercy! Ever have that happen...people saying kind words lifting you up when unfortunately you know too well the individual they are speaking of?


People say kind things sometimes--as difficult as it may be to swallow them when they are about you. I've been guilty of saying some kind words to people myself! I say them because there are people whose very existence I have benefited from because they minister to my children or they have shown love to me in one form or another. So I dare to say those sweet words to them...knowing, however, even as I say them how humbling it can be just to hear kind words about oneself because not one of us is actually good and we know it...hopefully. (I suppose it's those who really think those adjectives pertain to them that we should be worried about.)


So as the kind words came across the desk yesterday, there came another dose of humility. But not as great a dose as flooded me later that night when sitting on the couch with sweetman. We were discussing--okay, arguing--about some schooling issues...sore subject for me lately. I ended the conversation by pointing out some short comings on his part. Why is it when we say what we are really itching to say sometimes it feels so bad afterwards? So in one day I go from someone saying extremely kind words about me to me doing something to prove I'm not worthy of them. I really already knew I wasn't worthy of them...why did I have to prove it again?

i see the point of bedroom slippers...wish i had some

As I woke up at 3:00 A.M. (again), I dreaded the idea of walking into the living room from the bedroom. Usually I don't have this problem. I'm not generally afraid of the dark, but we still have not found the snake previously mentioned that is lost in our house. A few nights ago, we thought it was trapped in our library. Everyone went back to sleep that night, warily, with creepy crawlies in their mind. Two boys who had been camping out in the library decided they would sleep in their room the rest of the night instead...together on the top bunk. Teenage girl had been sleeping on the floor in her room for a couple of weeks, not because she has no bed (she has two: a trundle she usually sleeps in and a top bunk), but she's been trying to get herself in the habit of waking earlier so she can have quiet time first thing in the morning. She decided if she was less comfortable in her sleeping conditions, it would be easier to get up in the mornings. I wouldn't have thought of that, but it seems to have worked...until the snake. That night she went back to bed and opted for the top bunk. Good choice considering at 6:30 the next morning, we heard her alarm going off and her calling for help...the snake had found its way into her room. She's not sleeping on the floor anymore.
This missing snake is the reason for my hesitancy in leaving my bed in the middle of the night. Suddenly the probability of stepping on that creature in the dark didn't rule in my mind (I mean what are the odds), but just the possibility of such a thing reigned and paralyzed me for a while before I finally got up. Once I got up every shadow on the floor became a snake and I found myself counting how many steps till I could turn on a light without waking anyone. I was sure the snake was stalking me (mind you, it's only the size of a large shoe string) and when the cat pounced unexpectedly, adrenaline kicked in and I nearly hit the ceiling. Fear had a grip on me.
I keep thinking there must be a spiritual comparison in all this. Fear in the darkness, afraid of the unknown, wary of what's out there, nervous and lacking confidence...that's how I am when I get away from my strong tower. But when I walk in the light, assurance provides rest in my soul and I experience the sweetest peace, I see things more clearly, I am not fearful. I am thankful for the Light and the light tonight. I might even turn the light out and try to rest some more, but for the cat's sake, it had better not pounce anymore.

"there's a snake in my boot"

Okay, in our case there's a snake in our library and that has me wide awake at 3:00 in the morning. Actually I might have been wide awake anyway considering I woke up at 2:00 A.M. because I couldn't sleep. It was then as I walked through the living room and approached the threshold of the library that I noticed our cat playing with something...something that appeared to be playing back or fighting for survival. So what do you do when you discover a snake in the house in the middle of the night? Well, if I were as courageous as my mom I would have thrown something on top of it and smashed it quick or in my mom's case captured it live and put it in an aquarium for the kids to be amazed by, but I'm not so courageous. I jumped on a chair and screamed for Sweetman and highschool man and woke everyone else up too because how dare they sleep with a snake in the house. Of course, while I insisted they turn the library upside down and slaughter the slithery creature the snake must have found himself a cozy spot to rest because he's nowhere to be found. Our solution? Lock the cat in the library with the snake and hopefully we will wake in the morning to a healthy cat resting next to the snake's carcass.

Every once in a while, I hear the cat scratching away at something and I feel no sympathy for the invader.

Snakes have been everywhere lately. I know Debbie at Deb's Everyday has had encounters with the little creatures lately too. One of my little guys dreamed about a king cobra on the same night I dreamed about some sort of viper (and I never credit any of those dreams with Sigmund Freud's twisted thinking) and another one of my little guys spotted a scarlet king snake at our back door the other day, very pretty, but still a snake. My mom has caught two corn snakes recently, yes, she caught them. She wanted the kids to see them...she's a very impressive woman. The creatures are just all over.

I really do enjoy nature, but not in my library.

For tonight, I think my daughter might have given up on sleeping on the floor, my little guys have decided to leave their Friday night slumber/movie hangout spot--the library, and everyone else is sleeping in portions of the house closed off to the library with towels blocking the doorways. But I am not sleeping, instead I keep hoping to hear more fuss from the cat, some sign of struggle for life and victory on the cat's part. How can the rest of them sleep with a snake in the house?

saved through childbearing

I Timothy 2:15--"Yet she will be saved through childbearing--if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control."

I have known of this verse since I became a mom over eighteen years ago and I've felt its impact in my life since then.

Before motherhood, I actually didn't anticipate motherhood. I planned on a career that would take me far from everything I had ever known. I wanted to go into an abyss of solitude and work in some field that could keep me from relationships with anyone...sounds so dark and creepy to realize that's what I longed for once.

But even though I had no desire for family, when I saw mothers, I was in awe. Even in my childless state, I thought there was some mysterious phenomenon about being a mother. I didn't realize that the mystery was not in being a mom, but in the benefits being a mom offers.

He has a way of setting detours when we have given our lives to Him, detours that lead us to places we rebellious ones don't want to go by choice. So somehow I married and had children. I know I say this so flippantly as though it just happened without much choice on my part, but that is where a great miracle in my life happened. He arranged things in my life that I'm certain I did not have the insight to plan. My great blessing, my anchor...being mom.

I look back often and understand where the path of solitude and withdrawal leads...that was the path I thought I wanted. The path of a loner, leading me to isolation, although eventually it would have included probably many destructive relationships sought after out of desperation for some connection.

How amazing that that was not my course, after all. Instead motherhood. Something grand I did not deserve. The opportunity to have the most precious of all things in my hands to shape and guide...an innocent little life, a handful of them now!

It has kept me.

When little ones you know belong to Him are walking behind you, following your steps, you are more careful to avoid dangerous places lest you lead them there.

I am no longer awed by motherhood as a mysterious phenomenon. Better than that, it is obviously a great opportunity He offered me. An opportunity to be anchored by adhering to the demands being "mom" places on me. The demands are not providing meals, cleaning their clothes, running errands for them. The demands are keeping my heart set on Him so I live following Him so they will be directed to their ultimate hope.

I have struggled with living this way because I am still rebellious sometimes, lately more than before. But I see His goodness in this plan whether I stay the course or fall into a pit, I see His plan in motherhood. Motherhood has saved me from much.

a heart being primed

Life has taken some strange turns lately. I have not been so vigilant about guarding my heart, taking thoughts captive, thinking on good and true things which, of course, means the mom in this family has been wavering, not so steady and the family feels the repercussions.

The surprising thing is His faithfulness throughout. I guess I'm not so much surprised as amazed. I know His word says He is faithful, but when experiencing it in the midst of my own wavering, it has left me most grateful and amazed and provided me with an awareness of how truly undeserving I am.

His faithfulness is most seen as I have watched little arrows in my midst being wooed by Him. The older two responding to Him in very personal ways, having quiet time on their own, minds becoming curious about lives of those who gave all for Christ, in short-growing in their faith. The middle one seeing more in life and connecting how this ultimately relates to Christ, i.e. finding a message relating to Christ in a movie or a book. But it is number four arrow I've been watching and waiting for.

We never plan a time when we will introduce them to the Savior. We hope they are being introduced everyday as they watch us walk with Him. As a young parent, at first I followed others and thought I needed to urge the little ones to "receive" Him, but as I talked more with Him, He showed me how He does the calling. So I've been waiting on arrow number four to have his heart tugged.
It has been happening lately! That youngest of the boys comes to me sometimes and whispers in my ear. One day it was during altar call at church--he had a prayer request and needed to go to the altar to pray for someone. That was the first time he showed any signs of wanting to know and talk to this Christ we talk about. Over the last few weeks his whisperings in my ear-always just for me and him, a "secret"-they have been about truths he has discovered after hearing words from the Good Book, a little deductive reasoning from the mind of a seven year old. I would tell you what he's been whispering since these things are known by those who follow Christ and not truly personal secrets, but I cannot share them because they are his "secrets", special truths understood by him, special things newly revealed that he's never thought about before. But he has been thinking about them lately because he is being pursued by the One who loves him more than I can.

I expect a new birth any time now.

His faithfulness does not end.

how they teach eachother

They were at it again today. It has become somewhat of a routine lately. The three littlest bodies wandering outside climbing up the slide to the fenced in trampoline and then their lessons begin. No books, no pencils, just three little people learning how to tolerate one another and cooperate. The littlest is not quite two so she must be cared for on the apparatus which is known to keep emergency rooms active. Her older brothers learn to be gentle and thoughtful of little ones around them. They teach her that everyone takes a turn so she sits and waits for hers. They are not perfectly behaved though. Occasionally, I hear the little flower girl's scream and look out the window to see her upset that they don't do just what she wants, but they learn to handle their frustrations with each other because I tell them there are some things they have to figure out for themselves. Big brothers are smart when it comes to pacifying baby sisters. One comes in for a favorite drinking cup, filling it with cold water and delivering it to sis. All's fine again, little girl sits content drinking, watching big brothers jump again.
One day they will read Dickens and learn about the significance of Newton's laws, but for right now they're getting their master's in human relations and I'm okay with that.

living dangerously

To Preach because I didn't buy you a card!

We live in a world full of opportunities to risk and show how daring we are usually by doing the extreme. People climb mountains, jump from airplanes, race cars, or travel to far away places and others see that as bold living, the extreme, living dangerously. But looking back on these years of living with you, living dangerously has been redefined for me. Who in their right mind would sign a contract binding them to another for life when that process of uniting as one means growth on the inward parts is a must and growth is not comfortable? Suddenly the choices one would make are dependent on the well-being of the other. Who we are as individuals changes as the who we are as a couple becomes more important and the who we are in Him, the focus. We made the most daring of choices when adding lives to this mix of you and me, five lives He sent to us. How could we know the range our emotions could travel until little parts of us were delivered into a life that promises challenges along with heartaches? There is a certain blessing that comes from being naive, a blessing in just doing and not knowing all that can come, knowing could produce fear, and fear causes hesitation to do anything. As they get older and as I get older and my heart is now more invested in you and them, I know more about what it means to live dangerously. I have never felt adventurous until now when I look back at the years and see all we have experienced. I would not have thought myself capable to bear so much and I would have doubted you being able to bear me so much. But look at what He has done...life could not be more adventurous.

fifty years

I have wondered what thoughts to share on their special day. I'm unqualified to speak about the blissful state of marriage as I'm still in the midst of times when marriage is difficult. Marriage is hard...two becoming one can feel quite unnatural. I've found myself questioning God at one time or another wondering what was He thinking? But I suppose He always asks us to do things that go against our nature maybe because He knows how hopeless we humans are and how desperately we need a better way to keep us out of trouble. But while I cannot talk about the state of marriage in general, I can talk about what their marriage has meant to us. Sometimes being one of the two who became one it's difficult to see the impact of your union on those around you. But their commitment to each other has affected us.



Mind you, they are definitely two very different individuals. Granny, as we call her, is much more of a social bug as our Emily will testify to. Any time Em runs errands with Granny, she knows it will take quite a while because Granny knows most of the people in the stores and this means a lot of stopping to talk. Granny is also the spoiler of the grand kids. There is no denying this! If a little one wants candy, they usually get it if they're at Granny's. Want to watch a t.v. show?--Go to Granny's! But how could a mom be upset with this? For when they head over to her house, they are carefree, going to another safe haven. What a relief for me! In a world where there are many things to worry about harming my kids, the greatest concern I have with them going to Granny's is that they could get a cavity or watch a few episodes of Bonanza. She provides a safe place for these kids so I can enjoy a little quiet.

Papa is certainly no social bug, but when he does talk we all listen, because he tells about earlier years...moonshining years. Today we will play music like "White Lightning" by George Jones and "Revenooer Man" by Alan Jackson and smile, knowing this is Papa's history and we love to hear about it. But Papa does not spoil children. He has a tough side as any trespasser can tell you after they've met up with him with a rifle in his hand. But that toughness is lost when little Lily leans in to hug him goodbye because after the hug she always leans in again for her kiss--only she expects him to give one to her...her innocent expectation forcing tenderness from him. Papa is just plain no nonsense and hardworking following the tradition of his ancestors who settled in this county about one hundred and fifty years ago when there was nothing here. His hard work provides me with one of my favorite things-a garden. He does all of the hard work year round--preparing the field, planting, fertilizing, watering, and then lets me have the fun part...the harvest.

As different as they are, it is their oneness that we benefit from most. I tried to imagine what it would be like if they were not together and that's when I realized the enormous impact their union has had on us. Who can understand the mystery of marriage? I can't. I'm convinced I would love Papa as dearly if it were just him and I'm certain I would love Granny the same if it were just her, but if they were not "the two of them as one" something would be missing. They are both great on their own, but as a unit they are different. Marriage adds a whole new dimension. Two people individually are great, but two people together add a whole new dynamic, something special because the goodness of them both is now multiplied and there are new facets to the combining of their personalities. We are so thankful that they became one so many years ago as we have all been blessed by that.

unworthy

I use few words when I speak to Him lately. Not afraid, not in rebellion, but few words because for one thing I'm ever aware that He already knows every thought and intent, but also He has blessed me by allowing me to see my own depravity as if through a magnifying glass so I don't miss it. This causes me to come more humbly, more reverently than before, with fewer words and more gratitude.



How can I rightly call Him worthy until I see just how unworthy I am.



The well-meaning in this world would have me love myself and see good in myself, believe in myself, esteem me. I have noticed when I've found any of these thoughts sneaking into my way of life, He suddenly does not seem so supreme. I am acceptable in my own eyes. I cannot convince myself to see His sovereignty. I am blinded by settling for measuring up to mankind's standard of good. A steady diet of religious cheer leading can cause one to become self-focused.



He does not let me stay in my blindness. Instead He turns on a light for me, shining it on my shame, allowing me to see the ugly humanity that lives inside. My ugliness sitting next to His willingness to offer such a costly sacrifice for me humbles me. When the focus returns to the One who set all in motion, when the evidence of His divine protection in my life, when His mercy is clearly seen in spite of my waywardness, when He allows correction to bring me back, when I'm reminded that He who is HOLY gave all for the depraved me, then I cannot help but see how great He is and how unworthy I am. Then I can understand the refrain "Worthy to receive glory, honor, and power..."

Then I approach Him more aware of His sovereignty, unable to speak too many words, just awed that He loves even me.

the runaway

--"Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away. So he said to his mother, "I am running away." "If you run away," said his mother, "I will run after you. For you are my little bunny."
The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown

It is a favorite book, read to the kids for years now. Tonight the youngest held it as she fell asleep, minutes before looking for the bunnies hidden in the pictures.

The little bunny's goal is to run away, but Mother bunny explains throughout the story that no matter where he goes she will be there to bring him back to her. Whether in a stream, in a garden, in a circus, or on a mountain, she refuses to let him get away.

I can relate to little bunny. I've wanted to run away recently, but I've felt a grip on me, a tenacious refusal to let me go off on my own. His hold is tight and not to be taken lightly. He does not just let me walk away easily. His grace was too costly for Him to allow me to flippantly walk from Him.

I have felt the graveness of the consequences of running away. How could He let His own take so lightly His grace without allowing correction?

Still I have wanted to be the little bunny as the children's book describes and get far from all. Go to the unfamiliar, the foreign, the different, the places I've never visited before, the places I think may hold the unknown that beckons to me...that calls me to come and taste...just one bite.

But He does not let me go so easily. He holds and keeps me. I fight an inward struggle, wanting "freedom" that would bind me while knowing His is the way of complete peace. I have been willing to forsake the peace, but He has not been willing to forsake me. He holds on to His because His is a "costly grace", His sacrifice is not to be taken lightly.

Chronological Guide to the Bible--Book Review

I received a complimentary copy of the Chronological Guide to the Bible from Thomas Nelson Publishing for review. I find enjoyment in almost anything associated with history and time lines. While I enjoyed diving into this book and swallowing a lot of information quickly, this is actually a study resource to keep on hand for reference. This would be a perfect resource to keep handy for studying a particular time period in the Bible. The Guide is divided into nine epochs, or time periods of history. Each section contains biblical events listed chronologically and the historical evidence of such events. Names of people and places mentioned in the Bible are explained from an archaeological point of view so as to explain that these places are recorded in other sources of historical information as well as the Bible. Traditions and terms that are alluded to in the Bible are also explained making Bible reading more understandable.

In each Epoch, a brief description of the time period is given, including events that are described in the Bible during that period, archaeological evidence found for that time, the people or groups living during that time, and any Biblical book or parts of books that cover that particular time period. After this introduction, there comes a brief historical overview of the time period followed by a chronological reading guide to show what portions of the Bible are covered here and should be read simultaneously. Since many books of the Bible or portions of books contain events that happened in the same time, there are sometimes more than one Bible book or a portion of one or more being covered in each epoch. In this instance, the Guide takes one book of the Bible at a time and briefly covers an introduction to that book, an outline, and a time capsule, which explains historical events recorded by date during that time. Following this is an explanation of subjects discussed in that book or portion of that book. This is much more detailed information.

For example, in Epoch Four, in the book of Judges, we are given the background of the place referred to as Arad in Judges. Archaeological discoveries made concerning this place are given. After this comes a section explaining the practice of worshiping many gods during that time which helps to understand what the Israelites had started getting involved in. There are more glimpses into the events of Judges after that, from explanations of how long the era of the Judges lasted to a description of exactly who Baal was thought to be to a section telling details of what being a Nazirite actually meant and more. Once that particular book or portion of a book is covered, the next book set at that time period is covered in the same way until each book of the Bible that contains information about the time period has been explained. Then the next epoch or time period begins.

This guide assists in understanding the context of what is talked about in Scriptures. Like, in Epoch Five, it describes exactly what a cistern is and how it was used when discussing the book of Jeremiah. This helps to understand the comparison Jeremiah makes between God's people settling for a broken cistern instead of a living fountain. Understanding the context of Scripture can help in comprehension and the Chronological Guide to the Bible offers the exactly that.

the great pit of carkoon

I listened to him more intently today. For weeks he has told me of the characters on the new game he's been playing, but my heart has been clogged. A heart is to be a guarded place, but when it is infiltrated the whole person is affected. The mind is swallowed with thoughts that consume seconds, minutes, hours, even days. Conversations happen all around, but little is heard because the mind is busy. The heart is to be protected at all costs, it is the cherished place.

My time has been so wasted lately in my thought life. If an enemy were to attack me, that would be the prime target for destroying me as thinking is my favorite past time. I welcome quiet places where my mind is free to ruminate, to chew the cud of everyday happenings.

I have known for months of the dangers of allowing my mind to wander and have even fought the onslaught of invading thoughts, but I became tired in the fight...and weak. Gradually, I fought less vigorously until finally I set aside my sword and just ducked for cover. To my own dismay, I eventually found myself so bombarded that all that was left, it seemed, was to hand myself over, a captive to an enemy, thrown into a pit, thinking this is where I deserve to be, where I belong.

Somewhere in the midst of the fight, before I had grown too weak, I searched for an ear. I found it almost accidentally and spilled bits of information about my struggle to that one, only bits. That has probably kept me. For at times when the onslaught has grown wearisome, I have found slight refuge in hinting again at my struggle to this one. A sort of release of the contained pressure on my mind. So when the time came when I was certain that I had been dominated and had reached the unbearable, there had been a seed planted in another. A seed of "I need someone to listen", "I have to speak things out loud to someone", "Help me sort this confusion". There is great comfort in speaking the shameful out loud to one who does not react with disbelief, dismay, accusation, or even grasping to provide an answer when really they don't have one.

To sit in the bottom of the pit and have someone crawl in next to you, plop down beside you in the midst of the mire and listen, hold you when you cry, let you speak everything out loud, everything that you would normally dread anyone knowing about...to sit in that spot with them and then see them smile at you, hear them make fun of the predicaments we humans can get into and then laugh while causing you to laugh too, to spend hours allowing you to open your heart and let all the messy contents spill out in their presence...that is an ear provided by One who loves me so well.

I am so thankful for the ear that listened. Shared misery can create a tight bond. A burden bearer gives hope.

As little guy talked for nearly half an hour today about his new game, my mind heard him. No longer bombarded, pressure relieved, light shed on the darkness, the overwhelming now sitting quietly in a corner of my mind. As he mentioned the Great Pit of Carkoon, I considered the great pit I feel myself climbing out of and I was thankful he would never know about it.

Beaded Hope--Book Review

Recently, I received a copy of Beaded Hope by Cathy Liggett to review courtesy of Tyndale Publishing. I do not spend a great quantity of time reading fictional stories, but this one peaked my interest due to its setting. The setting involves a missions trip to South Africa by a small group of women, all struggling with uncertainties in their lives. The draw for me was a missions trip and the affects it had on the lives of the women involved. Although it has been years since I've been on a mission's trip, my husband went for years and now our son has been led to go so the subject matter caught my eye.

The setting for this story is South Africa where a small group of women travel together to work with women in that region. I didn't actually understand the premise for the American women going there at first. Usually when a group goes on a missions trip there is a plan to minister in the area through evangelism with Vacation Bible Schools, puppet shows, or special services. In this story it seems like these women are just dropped off with no focus about what to do until it is explained that they will help the women of that area earn a living by buying their bead work and selling it back in the states. The lack of focus about what they were doing there confused me a little. However, they do end up getting involved in the lives of the women there and helping them by purchasing their crafts. Of course, in the process their own problems, which are addressed in the first few chapters, must be dealt with and the encounters they have with individuals in South Africa lead them to understand how to handle their situations.

Although this is a fictional story, it is based on an actual group called Beaded Hope that does purchase the bead work of women in South Africa to assist them in earning money to support their families in areas greatly affected by AIDS. Many women have no other way to provide for their families so this ministry allows them to earn money by their craft.

The idea that spoke loudest to me in the book was the effect the women in South Africa had on the American women. Oftentimes when setting out on a missions trip, the travelers expect to be the ministers, but so often come back home realizing they have been the ones most affected. Sometimes those in poor countries show us how to be content with little. Sometimes those in countries plagued by circumstances they cannot control, like diseases or duress, show us that trials can draw us closer to Christ, whereas if things always go our way, we tend to forget our need for Him. This book shows that in a few of the characters in South Africa.

who knew?!

Watching from the screen door as they walk to Granny's, my mind travels back, remembering the reaction of big girl to the news that a little girl was on her way, enlarging our family yet again. Big girl was not happy. She's not mean spirited at all, but she was content with the family as it was. The idea of yet another child was quite a chunk for her to swallow. She handled it a little better after learning it was a boy, as long as it wasn't a girl. Em had been the only girl in our family and the extended family for years. She was pretty happy with that arrangement.

But sonograms are only as reliable as the one looking at them and sometimes a person may think they see what is really not there after all. Such was the case a couple of years ago, for in a follow up sonogram, Dad and I explained to the new sonogram reader that we already knew this little guy was a boy, but we really wanted to know if he appeared healthy. She stayed quiet and we wondered what was up. Then finally she had two things she needed to tell us. "First," she said, "everything looks good, very healthy, but" she added, "I need to tell you, this is no little boy!" We both had smiles ear to ear, as girls have been rare in our family, but immediately our thoughts went to that big girl of ours at home. What would she think? She was the one we most desperately wanted to share the news with. Certainly when she thought about it and realized she would have a little sister, she would really be happy.

Not so.

She is really not mean spirited, but she did not want a little female invader. Throughout the pregnancy, then the birth and homecoming, I waited thinking eventually she's going to love her. Love comes slowly sometimes, I've learned. I never woke up and instantly recognized her love for the little sister she had never invited in her life. But over months and months, she would make her a juice cup and smile back if smiled at. Or while holding her, she would make funny faces and laugh with her...if she thought no one was looking. Then she finally didn't care if anyone saw her as she would take little sis on her knee and play "Trot to Town". Now she traipses over to Granny's with little girl on her back, bouncing along the way.

I watch from the screen door and think it took much longer than I thought it would, but it's also much sweeter than I had hoped for. It's a genuine love grown from the heart of a girl's selfish wants being transformed into the realization that her desires do not get priority in this life.

I watch them walk away together and amazement fills me because I think they are both fabulous. I will never be afraid to say wonderful words describing them, as I know they are not mine and I have little to do with the characters they are. They belong to Someone greater than their dad and me, He is the One who made them so much alike...and different. He is the One who gave the one brown eyes when she wanted blue, but then gave the little one the blue ones! He is the One who made them both sneaky and stubborn, yet strong and determined. He is the One who gave the one who always wanted a big sister a little sister instead, so maybe she can be the big sis she always wanted. Who knew He had all that planned...and more?

go strong, follow Him

He wakes up each morning and types a few words of encouragement on a laptop and then heads to work. "Work" is a strange word for it considering we had planned on him filling out applications here and there, then simply settling for what he could find to give him a small, first time income, but this place he goes to was not in our plans. Someone else came up with this. He goes eagerly each day, learning the ropes in the field of ministry, living outside himself, something I'm not sure I've ever been really good at.

As he has reached this age of "sort of" adulthood, I admit there have been times when I've gotten a little defensive with him. My flesh has surfaced more than once when he's resisted something I've spoken about and instead vocalized his own thoughts on the subject. There has been a natural tendency to want to remind him who carried him in the womb, who cared for him and taught him all these years, but then in the quiet the ever Faithful reminds me of what my goal has been for them all. "That they will follow Him".

As I stay home more than usual lately, and watch him going to work, to services, to places far away to minister by building churches, I'm reminded that though I go through trials of my faith, he is no longer following me, but the Great One, Christ Himself, who does not fail. What more could I want? Certainly, not for that child of mine to follow me.

There is a fleshly desire, I believe, that makes me want them all to stand by what their mother says and always remain faithfully devoted to me and reverence me as that special person, the likes of which they will never find again in their lives. But when I see that desire for what it really is, nothing more than my selfishness seeking honor and obeisance for no purpose more than to simply build me up, that's when I'm able to laugh at me and such silliness. Then I can say quietly, in my heart, out of the hearing of them all, "go strong, God's man, follow Him, He will not fail you, though I will, He will keep you and I can't, go strong and I won't try to hold on to you, I will only cry happy tears as you walk away with Him."

I want them all to let go of me and grab hold of the True One. I do not want their allegiance. I cannot do for them what He can. Even as I struggle, I can have no greater joy than to know that these children walk in the truth.

wearing the fig leaf

I am thankful for the host of characters described in Your holy book. I find myself playing the role of one or another of them often. When I feel inept, in no position to accomplish any task You may ask of me, my name becomes Moses and I remember You used him in spite of his lacking. When I am temperamental and rash, I am Peter and I am thankful to know that You transformed him and filled him with You so that he ardently spread Your message.

But right now, I think I'm Eve, hiding from You. Running from our times of communion. Reminiscing times when I clung to You, times when my heart seemed firm on Your path, times when I again like Peter insisted "though others may abandon You, I will not" and now knowing in the midst of a trial instead of standing firm, I'm wavering. I feel like I'm wandering through the garden of what You have blessed me with, covering my shame with fig leaves, hiding from You. Keeping away, avoiding You.

Of all of them written about, Eve is not one I see hope in. She is not the one I want to be...I do not remember a major transformation in her. I do not remember her accomplishing anything great for You. I only remember the transgression and shame.

Maybe my focus is targeted at the wrong one...I do remember the story and in that story the focus is truly on You and what You did for her. Yes, there was shame and consequences, but there was great love as You sacrificed the innocent for the first time ever and covered her shame. Death had never been known before then, but it was not hers that happened first. You allowed death to come first at Your own hands before allowing her to experience it. You sacrificed first.

Too often I focus on the wrong ones, instead of seeing You.

A Century Turns--Book Review

I've been reviewing the last twenty years lately with my most recent book received from Thomas Nelson Publishers. A Century Turns by William J. Bennett covers the last twenty years of our country. Occasionally, I receive a book that I know I'll share with the whole family and this is one of those. I enjoy just about anything Bill Bennett manages to put into print so reminiscing the last twenty years from his perspective reminds me of so much I want to share with my children about the years in which I became a "grown up".

I appreciate the insight he shares about events beginning with George H. W. Bush becoming President of our country and ending with the election of our current President. This book, however, is not centered only on political history. It covers events throughout that time period that shaped our country, events like the Pan Am bombing, the fight against the drug culture, race conflicts, the Branch Davidians, technological advancements, hurricane Katrina, and many other events of that time period. There is, of course, a massive amount of information on politics and foreign relations, too though, including terrorist attacks, elections, and controversies that were linked to politicians of the time.

His book includes a wealth of bibliographic material to back up the accuracy of the events as told, but as he mentions early on one of the main sources is Bill Bennett, himself, as he was there. That is a perspective I have much appreciation for as he was a voice of reason and calm I remembered through many of the events he writes about.

Bible Maps and Charts--Book Review

Recently, I received for review Nelson's Complete Book of Bible Maps and Charts. I planned to give this book to my high school son as a resource for his Bible studies, but we will be sharing this one. The book covers three time periods: Old Testament, Intertestamental Period (just a brief description with maps), and New Testament. The charts, maps, outlines, and timelines included in this collection help in understanding the settings for each time period.

The Old and New Testament sections are divided according to the types of books and then a brief introduction is given in the beginning of that section of books about what they contain before a detailed outline of each of the individual book is given which includes authorship, dates, themes, an outline, timeline of events, and finally maps that show where all the events of that book took place. For example, as we open to the Old Testament section, there is a chart showing an overview of the Old Testament and afterwards an introduction to the Pentateuch (first five books of the Bible). This introduction discusses what is contained in the Pentateuch as far as the books and what events take place and it includes two charts, one tells brief information about each book and the other tells a brief chronology of events. Then comes the detailed story of the book of Genesis. After telling about the author, the date of writing, and the themes, we are given a chart showing events, locations, and topics, as well as a timeline showing the book covers the period of Adam to Joseph. Then comes the outline of Genesis followed by details, details, details, and many charts and maps to assist in understanding where events took place.

It should be understood that these charts are not repetitive. They do not only contain events in the books and time period information. The charts are designed specifically for each book's contents. For example, in Genesis, under the section "Does the Bible Really Say That?", there is a chart showing common phrases or sayings we hear today, what the phrase means, and the original context from the Bible. Here is one from that chart:
Saying or Phrase Meaning Today Original Context
Babel or a Tower of Babel A symbol of confusion Gen. 11:1-9

My description does not contain the full description, but that's the idea.

Overall, this will be a great study guide for our family and I look forward to using it again and again. It contains much more information than can be included in a study Bible so it is a very useful resource.

prayer to You

Sometimes there is only You. No one else to talk to.

I wonder...do You design times like this in our lives so that we-the ignorant, the unwise, and the incapable-will be left no other option, but to turn to You. Or are these times to be blamed on a lurking enemy seeking to destroy Yours. Or perhaps is it just our fault. We refuse to seek Your guidance in all things, go it alone and end up causing strife and confusion for everyone around us.

Whatever the case, it is frustrating. You once baffled men by causing them to not understand one another's language. I'm involved in the chaos of the Tower of Babel myself lately. I speak and no one knows what I'm saying. They speak and their words do not penetrate my heart. I'm standing in the rubble, alone, wondering what do I do now?

I only know the answer is--do not speak anymore, to anyone! My answer is full of errors as it encourages me to stay away, but I am Your rebellious child right now so I withdraw. I see the error of my ways, but I do not see errors in my thoughts lately, as others seem to, even those most intimate who spoke similar things when alone with me, but when confronted with speaking them before others refused to speak.

Anger has found a home in me and only You are left for me to hope in for a cure.

There is a hope. Just as You once confused languages, You also once allowed clarity to come in the midst of strange languages. When Your Holy Spirit arrived to mankind, languages were spoken by men who did not speak them by learning, but by miracle. And those around who spoke such languages from birth were amazed as they heard words about You spoken by the simple. You made the language make sense to those who needed to hear it. You are the only one who can do that.

I have tried to speak when you have given me words before, but for now I am quietly Yours, no more words.

ten years ago

Our middle guy's journey into this world began with heart break for me. I knew that particular pregnancy was different very early on...much sicker, clothes tighter much sooner. I suspected there were two of them in there. The doctor asked about doing an ultrasound on my first check-up. Our last pregnancy had ended in miscarriage and he said oftentimes they like to have an ultrasound early on in the next pregnancy to make sure all is well. I knew that might be true, but I also knew he suspected two were in my womb also. He had already said my uterus was larger than it typically would be at that stage, but I didn't let on that I knew what he was trying to confirm.

He confirmed it...there were two. But Luke's little partner had not made it, only Luke's little heart was beating.

I did not cry in the doctor's office...so silly how we sometimes muffle the emotions so we don't make others uncomfortable or so others won't know our sorrow. Like wounded animals that run away to die, we carry our grief to a quiet place and then suffer alone.

Sometimes after Luke made his grand entry, I felt like the loss I still felt for the one who didn't make it overshadowed the love I felt for Luke. When the "twin" word was mentioned or if there were a set of twins Luke's age nearby, I felt bitterness or anger because my something special had been taken from me. After two years of having him, I realized I had concentrated more on my loss than the precious one I had gained.

My something special turned ten yesterday. My special one who cares so deeply for others and hurts more deeply sometimes too...he marked a decade of life. He knows about his twin. I shared that with him very early on. But I never told him how I felt I had failed him the first two years of his life while I was grieving, how I've tried to make up for those two years ever since by showering love and affection. A mother's heart can experience a deep repentance when she feels she has failed in some way.

That feeling of failure lingers. Occasionally, I catch a glimpse of him or hear him saying words that amaze me and I think how could I have ever dwelt on the lost one so much and not spent that energy relishing every sound he made or every facial expression he exhibited as a little baby.

He enthralls me. He reads constantly and shares facts with me...some that I've read myself as an adult, others that are news to me. He reminds me to pray for people he's heard about, people his heart is concerned about. He watches movies and sees messages in them that are filled with lessons from the Bible. He shares everything with his little brother. He cherishes friends. He loves people. He gave his life to Christ last year and has struggled through his own fight with his flesh even this young, learning to go his Lord's way instead of his own.

This weekend his big brother came home from a church youth trip with a new Bible. Jake had recently received a new Bible so he didn't need it. Luke wanted it so badly so yesterday for his birthday, big brother gave it to him with this inscription "Presented to Luke Rhoden by Jake Rhoden, From the brother that loves you. Keep Christ first."

So many times good moments are experienced in a family and you know it is simply God's blessing because you're just not worthy of the goodness in those moments and nothing you have done has made them happen, but He has set it in motion when little ones have let go of you the parent and grabbed hold of Another.

he's rebelling and I'm glad for it

Genesis 25:29--"Now Jacob cooked a stew..."

Recent events have me somewhat unsure of how to proceed in areas of my life. Sometimes when you stop and analyze things a bit much, the picture just gets fuzzier. This has been a good time to set the burden down, refuse to look at it, and focus my attention in other directions.

Today the attention belonged to our big guy who made it back from a weekend away, a weekend centered around teaching and discussions of Scripture. He turned eighteen while gone, celebrating his birthday away from us. Eighteen sounds momentous, but we've always taught them all that chronological age means little if there is no growth in character. He has had growth in character.

As a two year old, his tantrums concerned me. As a four year old, his shyness kept him from others. As a six year old, he read poorly. As an eleven year old, his temper flared viciously. As a fourteen year old, he realized he needed Someone bigger than himself to help him through his problems. As a sixteen year old, he decided he would sign up for every missions trip he could go on. Now as an eighteen year old, he reaches me when others can't.

Tonight we sat on his bed while I prepared some of the school lessons that will finish his schooling by me. While I worked, he shared some of his favorite sermons by pastors who refuse to preach what is popular instead insisting on preaching the truth. He smiled at me at times when one of the speakers made a statement he knew I would appreciate. He told his dad and I about his new opportunities that have been offered to him. He talked about his next missions trip.

He is rebelling against the ways of the world. Somewhere along the way, he left our arms and walked boldly into Another's, deciding to follow the only One who will not fail him. Now he shares that faith with us...with me, at a time when I need it, but cannot receive it from anyone else. All this and he's learning to cook too...tonight he made venison stew.

There was another Jacob who cooked a stew once. His flaws were obvious and his character experienced growth through adversities also. He never became perfect, but he had a place in a plan designed by the same One who's made the plan for this Jake.

the pressure cooker

Life hurts. Nothing really profound in that statement, just writing it based on recent events. I have a terrible tendency to hold things in and allow them to stew. It reminds me of my mom's early years with a pressure cooker. I don't know what she did wrong, but she would begin cooking something in her cooker and within thirty minutes we would hear the deafening sound of catastrophe in the kitchen. Our kitchen ceiling bore the marks of many cooker recipes that shot straight upwards through that little spout on top of the cooker.

That is me, the pressure cooker. We were taught to hold things in, not actually instructed to, but children learn by watching and experimenting. This is a lesson I wish I had avoided, but unfortunately I've carried it into my grown up years.

Of all my lacking in character, this is the one I don't want to pass to this precious bunch of five He's given me. I want them to live in freedom, speak freely without apprehension, speaking boldly what is right.

I am not so bold nor so free. My staying quiet over a period of time has consequences that are costly, consequences I bring on myself. Eventually the pressure intensifies to a degree that I spout off and leave marks, not on the kitchen ceiling, but on everyone who's in hearing distance. My regrets come when I realize I should have spoken to someone about the aggravation that was growing, but I didn't. My words are of no effect, but to confuse and disturb. My solution? I'm no hero, I plan to run in the opposite direction. Not in an effort to hide, but more in realization that I am poison to people and need not speak anymore or I'll spread more grief.

Lessons never stop in life. I stay too long in some places where I hope to belong eventually, places where I see others trying to belong too, but then they disappear without a word. As I enter their same abyss, I understand where they went...in search of the place where they do belong. Sometimes in the most well meaning of places people segregate themselves, others cannot force their way in so they walk. I had hoped to be stronger and always stay and hold a spot whether invited in or not, but I am not a strong one and my staying so long has been more out of protest than truly wanting to fellowship. So my guilt lands heavy on me now, guilt for wrong motives, staying for the wrong reasons and not being a vessel of love myself.

I am ever thankful that the "feeble" still have a place in His plan.

aggravation of futility

I once visited a woman who was dying. She laid on her back for months unable to catch full breaths only able to get up once or twice a day for a few minutes each time. I would just stop by and read to her or talk to her for a while. She wanted to have the Bible read to her so that's what I did. After that, she wanted to talk even though that was difficult for her, but she had regrets that she wanted to share. I remember her regrets clearly.

She regretted not knowing the Bible better. When I first visited her, she asked me to read the 23rd Psalm and then she asked me where it was in the Bible. She didn't realize that it was found in exactly the place that it was named--the twenty-third Psalm. She also regretted not having done more for the LORD. She even wanted to volunteer right there in her last few days to do something for her church. She wanted to use the last bit of time she had for Him before she saw Him. Her regrets reminded me of Solomon's in Ecclesiastes.

Solomon had been king of Israel forty years. He accomplished every goal any person today could attain to be considered successful in the eyes of the world. He built the temple and homes for himself and others. He gained respect by those who knew of him because of his wisdom. He built relations between his country and others. He had more wealth than any other king of that time. In the eyes of mankind, he was the epitome of a success.

But as Solomon's body gave way to age, his own mortality loomed before his eyes and the finiteness of all he accomplished plagued his mind. "Vanity of vanities...all is vanity" (Ecc. 1:2).

The LORD told him early in his reign "if thou wilt walk before me, as David thy father walked...there shall not fail thee a man upon the throne of Israel" (I Kings 9:4,5). Solomon knew that though he accomplished all that the world considered great, his accomplishments meant nothing. He didn't walk with the LORD as his father had and now as he faced the eternal, the prospect of what may happen to the throne reminded him of what was most important, the thing he had not done...fearing the LORD and keeping His commandments.

I feel quite a bit like Solomon myself minus the great accomplishments, but including the frustration of realizing how much of my time has been wasted by not concentrating on simply fearing Him and keeping His commandments but instead paying heed to much of the traditions of mankind even in our churches.

Fearless--a book review

Earlier this week, I received the book Fearless by Max Lucado from Thomas Nelson Publishing. The subtitle is Imagine Your Life Without Fear. The book has about 13 chapters covering fears that individuals can feel free to lay aside. The 14th chapter covers the only truly healthy fear, that being the fear of the Lord. After the final chapter, there is a discussion guide for each chapter which would be useful for using in group studies.

This was not a profoundly deep book, but it did cover basic fears that most people struggle with at one time or another. In the first two chapters, he covers fears that haunt us in our minds such as not mattering and disappointing God. He follows this with a chapter in which he offers tips as to how to stop worries from plaguing you. In the next couple of chapters, he discusses the fears common in raising children and many fears we easily succumb to when looking at the world around us. These fears include the anxiety we can experience when facing circumstances that overwhelm us, situations that can be the worst imaginable, even the anxiety caused by violence in the world and money concerns. The last few chapters deal with a fear of death, or the uncertainty of what is yet to come in life, and doubts about God's existence. Finally, he reaches the chapter I was hoping would be included. This chapter is about the only good fear--the fear of the Lord. He tells the importance of realizing that we cannot put God into our box. He is too great to contain, too awesome to understand, too amazing to explain. When all of our fear is wrapped up in acknowledging His greatness and His control of all things then all other fears become small.

Although I was not overwhelmingly affected by this book, it did include a thorough overview of fears that we need not waste our time on.

missing teeth and living free

He is seven tomorrow. Ethan is our fourth arrow.

Seven years ago, on this day, the doctor told us that since the little fella wasn't cooperating in the womb we might want to consider a c-section. The date was up to us. We could wait a few days or come in that afternoon. It was January 22, 2003, the thirtieth anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. We decided to mark that occasion by welcoming a little life into the world. It was obvious he would be wild by the tangled mess he was, coming out of my body, cord wrapped around the neck and under the arms, purple little guy.

But he was fine.

His name fit him from the beginning. Ethan-meaning constant, firm, a lot like his dad. He's solid, never wavering. He always knows what he wants and is satisfied with just that. He doesn't require much to make him smile. He's good natured, wild, and retains information a lot like a computer, but that's not obvious unless someone tries to explain something, gets it wrong, and he simply offers the correct info.

A child who is so different from his mom. Not sensitive, no worries, just living freely. What a relief...he missed out on my idiosyncrasies.

Occasionally, he allows tender moments like when he's tucked in at night. He wants me to pray with him. Sometimes he wants someone to come and rest with him just for the company before he falls asleep.

He likes everyone, unless they are outright mean and then he'll walk away from them and boldly proclaim (to all) their bad behavior because he assumes everyone should know this stuff. His siblings are his best friends, especially Luke. They can sit and draw together or imagine they're Jedi's or just read books. He just knows that Luke is supposed to be there with him and when Luke's gone, something's wrong. He learned early on how to affect his big sister's heart by using big brown puppy dog eyes on her. He likes his little sister dearly too, but he only puts up with with so much and when she starts to be irrational...well, when anyone starts to act irrational around him, he walks away and refuses to deal with them anymore. But it's his biggest brother that he admires so much. Sometimes when he's gotten scared of something, he quietly approaches and asks if that big brother can rest with him for a while. Big brother has poured love into this little guy so much in the form of reading to him, building Lego toys for him, and tucking him in at night, the love Ethan has for him is just the harvest after many years of sowing by Jake.

I never really cry or feel sad as they get older. I always look forward to seeing what kind of grown up they will be. I take no pride in the people they are, for I and their dad had little to do with that. There is One who made them the way they are, we just get to love them, provide for them, teach them what we can, and then watch them go out in the world and make choices. Of course, I haven't had to let any of them leave our house yet so there may be some apprehension to come when all of that starts!

As for this birthday, little guy is seven and I'm celebrating him tonight!

sometimes a hug...

Hugs are not my area of expertise. Honestly, hugging others does not come naturally for me. There are very few people who I just throw my arms around casually. There's one pastor and fewer than a handful of friends (usually ones I haven't seen in a while) who I just automatically grab and squeeze. Everyone else...it's a very conscious effort on my part to embrace them. I wouldn't even hug that one pastor except that love from him has continually splashed all over me (in spite of how well he knows me) so now when he approaches something weird happens inside and suddenly I'm a little child throwing myself into loving arms without reserve. I always like running into him.

Usually I'm just pretty much a popsicle, somewhat stiff and cold, not in my heart but all outward indications point to that. But sometimes a hug happens even unexpectedly, from someone you wouldn't usually hug and it's like for the moment He just put someone there for you to hold on to. Like if they weren't there to hold you up, you might collapse into a puddle of tears in the middle of the crowd of bodies. So you hang on and even have to tell the person "I'm going to have to stay here for a few minutes, I'm not ready to let go". So you stay there and maybe tears come and the person doesn't even know why you're hanging on so tightly. But they keep holding on to you with the same intensity as though that's what they're supposed to do. They have their reasons for hugging and you have your reasons for hanging on so intensely and He put it all together because He knows what we need.

as it pertains to me

There was a little girl,
And she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
She was very, very good,
And when she was bad she was horrid.

(a poem sometimes attributed to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)

Okay, so it doesn't totally pertain to me. I have no curl.

I hope normalcy includes struggling inwardly regularly.

Trust me, what I'm about to say is not out of boasting, but more out of confession of knowing it not to be true. People credit me with being sweet.

Compliments say more about the kindness of those offering them, than those of whom they are speaking. I suppose as we age we realize that kind words come from encouraging mouths and are often not deserved, but more of an attempt to spur one not to give up.

Kind words toward me sometimes cause me to do a little reflecting. And the reflection is less than appealing. The closer I approach the mirror to see who I really am, the more apparent my flaws.

And still somehow He lavishes His blessings on the life of this little child of His.

The older I get the more I see my faults, but the more I see His blessings.

That's amazing grace.

how He feeds the 5000 (minus 4994)

We are a group of six everyday. Dad goes to work and our little group lives together in the hours he's gone. Learning each other's ways and character, trying to learn how to tolerate one anothers quirks, how to show love, how to sacrifice for others.


We have all learned about sacrifice. When you share a small space with so many bodies, you must learn sacrifice. You must learn that you do not rule, that your way is not most important, that others matter. That you were not intended to have everything your flesh wants.


Sometimes I'm so thankful for having little material wealth. Having little provides opportunity to teach. They learn to rely on Him for what they need rather than ask Mom or Dad and it gives them opportunity to see Him answer them personally, just a child relating to his Creator. Having little offers many other lessons, too.


They also learn to share. This is huge in our group of six. Sharing is common practice around here...and He somehow manages to multiply our little fishes and loaves every time that happens.

I have splurged before on bringing home take out, but lately due to tightening of the money clip we've cut back on the take out. Today for our treat it was two foot long Subways, one small coke, two chocolate chip cookies and some chips. It fed all six of us which is odd considering the two teens usually down a foot long on their own. But they know about the "money clip", so no one complained about too little, instead there was thanks given for the treat. There was also "no, you can have it, I've had enough". They have learned to share.

Mind you, do not worry they are not starving...I oftentimes buy small treats and make them share to train them to take smaller portions and to train them to spend wisely. I want them to learn to buy groceries and make their own food instead of paying so much for someone else to do it for them. So our house is not suffering from food shortage.

Food shortage...reminds me of my Luke and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. What they learn so much of the time does not come from me or Dad. Sometimes after they have learned to talk to their true Father one on one, they come away with insight that He would give them. Luke did that today and all the food talk makes me think of it.
(This was a favorite book for me before it was a movie. Any mom who has to provide three meals a day for a few can appreciate the idea of food falling from the sky.)

He has watched the movie a couple of times and after getting out of the shower tonight, he came and told me about lessons he saw in the movie. He told me that in the movie the machine that makes food is like sin and the mayor is like the devil and Flint is like mankind. He said Flint started the mess by making the machine, but the mayor, although he doesn't like Flint, entices him to make more and more food until the machine is out of control and becomes dangerous. Luke saw a picture of man, sin, and the enemy. I see a boy bypassing his parents religion and relating to the One who loves him more than I can.

tired prayer

Help me to see the picture. My day begins to be consumed with frustration. If I can just get them through breakfast, corral them all into one section of the house, and close the door, then I can have peace. My voice reverberates with aggravation towards them. Yet they have really done no wrong. They've just been enjoying a sluggish morning, as their mother has taught them to do many times. But today it bothers me and my annoyance shows with raised voice and ugly tone.

I'm wearing my selfish glasses today. I see the world (all four walls of mine) through eyes desirous to accomplish something other than what You've put before me. I need to see the picture.

The doors have now opened three times, three different individuals entering my sacred quiet I so eagerly wanted. Now I am really aggravated and tempted to lock the doors to keep them in "their" section of the house. There are days like this one when all the years of care for them feels like it has just landed on my shoulders all at once and the load is heavy. I cannot see the picture. I am just dealing with one stubborn puzzle piece that doesn't seem to fit today.

I tell myself I want something else as well as this life of guiding arrows, but I know inside the extra "I wants" would be as fulfilling as cotton candy in my mouth. There for an instant, leaving a false sense of satisfaction before disappearing and leaving me empty. I want the fullness You offer, but I am tired of the day to day. Help me to see the picture.

If I cannot be given a glimpse of it, then let me see the past, for that is completed. Let me see from where I was so many years ago to the completed picture to this point. Let me see the progress that was made by the day to day for all those years. Remind me how far into the completed picture I've already been brought. Bring me back to my beginning, let me see what You did through all those years when I maintained Your way and clung to You in the "desperate to do more" moments, let me see the void I started with and the fulfillment You have bestowed to this day. Let me see that picture.

enamored by history and not so much

I have delved into history quite a lot lately. I have always found it interesting...people make choices, commit acts, and there it is...history, whether we want to make it or not doesn't matter. It's simply a recalling of events and events happen by our choices.

What is startling to me is my own history and the one I'm making daily.

Part of my history was determined by the choices of others. Now my choices are determining the history others will carry.

The startling part of that is I have never fully appreciated the history that was handed to me until recently. It has been a struggle to accept it as ordered by Him, Him putting me right where He wanted me. Now, however, looking back and seeing the pieces fit, I'm often amazed by how He laid the plans out and consummated them. I can see the jigsaw starting to form an actual picture.

The other startling part is, of course, my own history making...or simply my choices I make that affect everyone around me. This startles me in a much less exciting way, for the other history that was bestowed on me I had no say in, but this one is all about what I will do. Mind you, I am a terribly imperfect person who struggles constantly. That is where my concern lies. In me. I am capable of creating messes so having such power to affect others' lives leaves me feeling a little cowardly...like I would prefer He just made me robotic so all would be safe and I would simply follow protocol. But no He created me this way (all of us, of course, but I'm the one I have to worry about!)...this thinking, struggling, battling, choosing, sometimes not-so-determined person. I hope my faith in Him is stronger than my concern in me for that is my only rescue.

The simplest of faith in Him brings even the weakest person through difficulties. Faith being the "substance of things hoped for" and "the evidence of things not seen" will determine the choices made, the action taken...the history of a person.

Deuteronomy 30:19--"...I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live."

tonight's score 32-63, victory can be found in loss

When talent is sidelined maybe it's because character needs to be the focal point.

It's painful to watch him sit on the bench especially as he watches the huge gap developing between their scores and I know what he's thinking. He knows he's powerless to make it change. Yet he stays there saying encouraging words to the other players, handing out tips on strategies, cheering them on.

His physical abilities on the court were disabled in his first game. Running down the court, full speed, total control, ball in hand...just as he closed in on the basket, he fell to the court, on his back, writhing in pain, groping for his knee, he actually cried. He's seventeen, over six foot two and, yes, he cried. I've heard a dislocated knee could make a grown man cry, so when I saw him down, I knew it had to have happened.

The hope has been that the knee will heal and he'll be playing again soon, but it's been a few weeks already and tonight in his first game back, that knee popped out again. As I sat watching him on the sideline, I realized maybe this is the plan. There may be something wrong with the knee, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the plan.

Sometimes when we excel in something, there's greater victory when we have to sit quietly out of it, allowing others to participate while we play a supportive role. Sometimes He is seen best in us when we aren't the spotlight, but our faith and steadfast hope showcases character that encourages others.

When we're willing to not be noticed, not seek appreciation, not glory in our victories, but be steadfast in the position He places us in, then He has a useful piece of clay that's ready to be molded into exactly the design He chooses. Maybe that's what people need to see, not us at our best-talented and shining, but us without our "glory" and how we handle it...can we handle it? If we pass through that valley willing to not only let others have the spotlight, but also encouraging them loudly, we are saying to the world that our faith does not rest in our talents. Our faith is firmly placed in Him.

"And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it."--Jeremiah 18:4

As we got in the truck tonight after the game, I hadn't shared my thoughts with him, but he looked at me and said, "I kind of wonder if God didn't just put me on the team, not to play, but maybe just to encourage the others"...victory

Redefining Beautiful--Book Review

My most recent book I received from Thomas Nelson Publishing is Redefining Beautiful by Jenna Lucado. This book geared for young girls through their teens strives to help them understand beauty, not the worlds version, but natural beauty outside and most importantly inside.



After just skimming the book, I hesitated to think there would be anything of depth simply because I found catch words like "self esteem" and began to think it may just be a book aiming to build one's self image. However, afterwards, I read it through and found that although it did include some of that, it also goes above and beyond to draw young girls to seeing the LORD as the One who loves them more than any other can and points them to remembering that He created them uniquely and for a purpose.



Throughout the book, the author gives much practical advice on growing as a girl. It includes information about makeup, hair, clothing styles, boys, but it also counteracts all of that with paying attention to some heart matters also. That is what keeps it from being a fluff book that centers attention only on the outward appearance as many secular teen books do.



This would actually be a good book for a young girl who may tend to give ear to the world's version of beautiful. It could certainly help put her on the right track as far as how consumed she gets with the outward appearance. She would see how perfectly imperfect and original He made us all and how that is to be celebrated. She would also learn not to measure herself by the worlds standards and learn a much better and more thorough definition of the word beautiful.

going on a tangent from a book review

My latest book review has me pondering some things. The comparison of Solomon and Christ was being made in this book. The author, basically, made the point that wisdom alone does not ensure a life lived right as Solomon certainly had the wisdom, yet failed in his devotion to the LORD. Christ, however, had all wisdom and also lived the perfect life regardless of the temptations.

Sometimes I wonder which one I aim for--having wisdom or living it.

The last couple of years, I have felt so defiant towards religion, in the sense of mankind's rules of how to live a Christian life based on the outward appearance. I have gotten aggravated with the concept of limiting worship to church attendance, paying tithes, and volunteering when needed. The idea that many see Christians as those who insist on people following rules angered me. I can't say that I blame those who mock Christianity when sometimes what they are shown as examples of believers is contrary to how Christ Himself ever lived. Besides those who mock are the lost, the blind, they're the ones who can't see clearly to begin with and then the picture is blurred all the more by many wearing Christ's name, but not displaying His character.

This last year, He has brought me to the lower depths of my own judgements though. While I riled inside against legalism, He allowed circumstances that would open my eyes to my own religious dependencies and brought me to a place of confrontation. Confronting two choices, one of which must be chosen if I was to abandon legalism, the choices being walk away from Him or live for Him in spirit and in truth.

Suddenly the Scripture in Ezekiel became hard to bear personally...the passage about the hole in the wall, chapter 8 verse 12 "...hast thou seen what the ancients...do in the dark, every man in the chambers of his imagery? For they say 'The LORD seeth us not'..." My choice could not include me leaving Him for I know Him to be Truth, but the option of shedding all religion and pride of that religion and replacing it with opening up every crevice of my heart, my thoughts, my desires and forsaking them, realizing they are not mine but He gets even them, that option has been most difficult for me.

My mind never stops so I constantly find myself going to places that show evidence of me not truly trusting Him. My heart is pretty weak so it can often be pulled in a polar direction from Him. My will has stayed the course, but this has been a most difficult challenge. This is why I understand that having wisdom and living it are totally different.

There is a reason for the writing. Write words. It prompts the mind to ponder what is deep in the heart that we're unaware needs to surface. It's the surfacing that's painful. Acknowledgement of what is really inside of the sometimes ugliness that we are really capable of, sinfulness that lives behind the wall, that is not hidden from Him.

Stand---Book Review

I received the book Stand-Unleashing the Wisdom of God, a discovery of Proverbs from Tyndale House Publishers a while back. It's a Focus on the Family Resource written by Alex McFarland.

This book is a brief overview of the book of Proverbs. I actually gave it to my son as part of his reading for devotions. It's appropriate for teenagers and up. It's a rather compact book, but the information covering this Bible book is thorough.

The Introduction explains a little about Solomon, who is credited with the book of Proverbs. The author describes who Solomon was, what he did, etc., but best of all is the comparison of Solomon and Jesus. He points out that although Solomon's wisdom was great, his choices in life didn't line up with what he said. However, Jesus not only preached wisdom, but He also lived it.

In the first chapter, there is valuable background information on the book of Proverbs. Information that explains facts about Proverbs, the importance of God's words, terminology used in the Proverbs, and why Proverbs is included in the Bible. From there we enter the Proverbs themselves, starting with the explanation of wisdom and moving through the chapters of the book. For parents offering this to their teens, they should be aware that there is a chapter dedicated to the topic of sex. It is very straight forward with the information presented in this chapter and although it is biblical, parents should read this beforehand to make sure they are ready to pass this to their teens so they can discuss this together.

Overall, this book impressed me with its content. There is no wasted space, just a valuable brief overview that will help anyone reading through Proverbs.